Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Hellcat

Hi, first-time kitten owner here with a question for the great cat-owning masses out there. This phase we're going through - the one where I want to smash her to death with a iron skillet - how long does it last? I don't know what's happened, but her primary means of communication now is to jump on you suddenly and expectedly, running up one side and down the other and biting and scratching anything that moves. In her calmer moments, she'll park herself exactly where I don't want her - the computer keyboard, the newspaper I'm reading, etc. And there's nothing in the world more interesting to her than whatever it is I'm currently eating. (The dog feels the same way, but since I eat all my meals more than 18 inches off the floor, the fat little fuck can't really hassle me. This kitten though...this morning I held a bowl of cereal up over my head, and she climbed my arm like a tourist ascending the Statue of Liberty.)

Last night she managed to get free from the living room and find her way into the bedroom, where my bare foot sticking out from under the covers looked to her like a giant cat toy. Yes, it's a tiny wittle kitty-cat, but if you've ever been woken from a deep sleep by twenty tiny claws sinking into your foot, you know it's indistinguishable from a grizzly bear attack, or an army of scorpions. Nine hours later, and my pulse is still way above normal. I haven't ruled out the possibility that the stupid animal shelter sold us a baby jaguar.

Also, she's tripled her weight in just six weeks, and most of it appears to be dander. So even when she's not physically assaulting me, her essence is here, burrowing its way into my sinuses and ear canals, Laura may finally get her wish - I've been searching online for cheap hotels here in town.

8 comments:

Josh said...

I knew that was a bad plan. You might need to hire the local drug lord to arrange a hit and make it look like an accident.

Julie Perillo said...

Clip her claws! Get her used to it now and it won't a problem later. Squeeze each toes to make the claw pop out and clip off the pointy tip (just the white part -- cut too deeply and you're into the painful quick of the nail). Then she won't have the needle-points to shred your flesh.
As for her behavior: she'll outgrow the friskiness, but will always want to sit in on whatever you're doing -- she loves you! Aaw!

Burro Hall said...

Julie - With all due respect, stop smoking crack. You're a mother now. This baby panther attacks me when I try to tickle her ears. Imagine how smoothly a declawing would go! And what, exactly, am I supposed to do with her other 19 claws while I'm squeezing an individual toe?

Cutting her paws off at the ankle, though...that could work.

radosh said...

She said clip her claws, not remove them! Declawing is kitty torture, or at least it was until the Bybee Memo. Or try SoftPaws. They don't work, but they do look hilarious.

Julie's right about the outgrowing, though. In the meantime, you'll just have to persuade her to target something other than yourself. Have you considered coating el perro in sour cream?

Julie Perillo said...

Thanks for the clarification, Radosh. Frank, you can certainly, with the assistance of a towel (wrapped around kitty) and your wife (to clip nails while you hold kitty still) survive clipping the claws of an itty bitty puddy tat.

Good luck, and set the video camera!

And I stopped smoking crack years ago, thank you very much. Although I may start up again, as the incessant screaming of "Maaaaaaaaaa!" from upstairs during NAPTIME (mind or hers?)may push me over the edge!

Burro Hall said...

What you guys seem to be talking about here is a pedicure. How we went from crushing her with a frying pan to giving her spa treatments, I have no idea, but nicely played, cat people.

Julie said...

meow.

Anonymous said...

If you didn't believe in re-incarnation, you should now.
What you have there is Ceayte!! That is exactly how she behaved!! But don't worry, as an outdoor cat, with a shortened life-span, she only lived to be 24 years old!!!

M