Thursday, December 13, 2007

With Some Garbanzo Beans and an Iced Tecate

I'd be remiss (indeed, my uncle has already chastised me) if I didn't mention the self-inflicted passing of Mexico's latest true-crime sensation, El Canibal.

MEXICO CITY, Mexico (AP) -- A murder suspect dubbed "the cannibal" was found dead in his prison cell of an apparent suicide Tuesday, two months after police found cooked and seasoned bits of his girlfriend's corpse on a fork and plate in his apartment.

Jose Luis Calva, a self-proclaimed poet and dramatist suspected in at least three murders, was found hanging from his belt in his Mexico City jail cell Tuesday morning, the city department of corrections said in a statement.

Even though most American high schools wouldn't even bother installing metal detectors after a paltry three murders, this guy has been front-page news here for two months, cannibalism being relatively rare here (at least in modern times). I wonder if Thomas Harris gets paid every time the media refers to Hannibal Lecter? Unlike Lecter, Calva seemed dumber than a sack of doorknobs. First, he insists, "Cannibal? Wha-...me?"

He acknowledged killing her and cutting up her body after a violent drug-and-alcohol-fueled argument, but denied he ate her flesh.

He claimed he carefully cleaned, cooked and seasoned the flesh to feed it to dogs he found on the street as a way of getting rid of the body.

Sort of the cannibal version of "I didn't inhale." "Seasoned the flesh"? Dude, even I don't pamper my dog like that. But then I-swear-I'm-no-cannibal Calva got right to work on an autobiography, titled - wait for it - The Cannibal Poet. His lawyer has got to be completely psyched about not having to go to court now.

Meanwhile in the Got Some 'Splainin' To Do department, prison officials will need to come up with a good cover story for how a guy on 24-hour suicide watch managed to get a belt and hang himself. [Hint: Talk to the lawyer.] Also, there was cocaine in his system, but in a Mexican maximum security prison, that's not even weird.

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