Thursday, August 07, 2008

We Drink Your Milkshake

O, treachery! Will Mexico stop at nothing in her quest to topple the United States from her rightful position as the fattest nation on Earth? Not content to win honestly and honorably by becoming morbidly obese on their own, these bastards are now luring our precious obese people down to their not-quite-as-fat little country...and slimming them down.

An Internet search of "lap band" and "Mexico" produces pages and pages. One describes a $7,100 "basic package," including transportation to and from the airport, blood tests and surgeon's fees.

At Presbyterian/St. Luke's Medical Center in Denver, where Metz performs surgery, the procedure costs $10,000 to $15,000.

One Web site describes the Obesity Control Center, with sites in Tijuana and Cancun. It offers a link to a network of centers in the U.S. where patients can get refills of the saline solution required to inflate the gastric-bypass band. That inflation maintains the feeling of fullness that makes the band effective.

Like goddamn vampires, only they feed on adipose tissue. That article, you'll notice, is datelined from Denver, Colorado. Anyone care to take a guess which state is now the skinniest in the Union?

Not laughing anymore, are ya? That's because only fat people are jolly. Down here, we can barely sleep over all the ho-ho-hoing.

[Correction: A post dated August 4 left readers with the impression that the state of Mississippi never ranked #1 in any category. Burro Hall regrets the error.]

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