Seriously, Just Fucking Hang Me in a Pig Mask

We thought this day would never come, but the Dancing Fountains of Querétaro - built by the government at the cost of a mere $1.1 million US dollars - are up and running.

Both fountains will run every day, from 10AM to 11PM, playing chimes and a melody every hour on the hour, plus a sound every half hour, like clockwork, and two nighly espectáculos of 15 and 30 minutes.

¡Qué bueno! As you know, we were worried that these were going to be hideous, tacky and annoying, And yet...and yet...it's so much worse than we imagined! See, we'd assumed that nonstop repetition of Cielito Lindo or Mexico Querido y Lindo would plant the seeds of hatred of traditional Mexican music within our bosom. Instead, the Querétaro city elders have decided to go the less-traditional route. Damas y Caballeros...Kenny G!*

That clip is only two fucking minutes long, so what you need to do is loop it seven-and-a-half or fifteen fucking times, twice a fucking night, plus every hour on the fucking hour, plus some other fucking Muzak cue on the fucking half hour every single fucking day of the week for fucking forever - oh, plus flush about a million bucks down your shitter - and, well, there you have it...The Querétaro Experience in the comfort of your home!

Other cities have horrific drug cartel violence. We've got this. If anyone from Ciudad Juarez is interested in a house-swap, our email address is at right.

[*We're using "Kenny G" generically here. Can anyone actually name that tune for us?]