Thursday, July 16, 2009

They're G-r-r-r-r-oss!

Bachelor Week* is winding down here and, as usually happens in the later stages, we spent the morning down on our hands and knees in the pantry fighting over whatever edible scraps the mice may have left behind, when we came across an 8-pack of individual-size breakfast cereals left over by a couple of recent visitors in the coveted 10-and-under demographic. They were all Kellogg's products - not surprising, since the company's Latin American HQ is just five miles from our own. We recognized Tony the Tiger - El Tigre Toño - but something seemed a little... off. The Frosted Flakes looked to be made of chocolate...sugar-frosted chocolate of course. And they were sprinkled with... with... marshmallows? Jesus H fucking Christ, what kind of an abomination is this?

Like testicle-shrinking Coca-Cola, Chocolate-Flavored Frosted Flakes with Marshmallows is one of those products an American corporation wouldn't dare try to sell at home. According to the company's own "nutritional" information, a 35-gram serving of these little death bombs contains 16 grams of sugar. That means this crap is 46 percent sugar. Of course, because we were really, really hungry (and more than a little curious), we ate the whole mini-box, and were predictably disgusted by it. Amazingly, this is because we didn't think the company took the "candy for breakfast" concept far enough. For all the chocolaty marshmallowy gooiness, they still tasted pretty distinctly of toasted corn. If that's not making sense to you, try this: the next time you're about to dig in to your favorite chocolate dessert, simultaneously help yourself to some corn on the cob. Disgusted? Good. Now try it for breakfast.

About three hours later, we noticed our leg was still jiggling uncontrollably. Also, we think we may be experiencing the onset of type-2 diabetes.

Our biggest concern here is, of course, geopolitical: as smug as we've been about America's primacy in the Fat-ass race, we had no idea that young Mexican butterballs were starting their days quite so unhealthily. This is a game-changer, America. Time to wake up.

* [Yes, the main cat is female, but she hides in the closet all day, so she's not really ruining the dudefest.]


Krellinator said...

For the record, I would eat that stuff, maybe just once a week, but I'd eat it for breakfast. That's what you get when you are raised with no "sugar cereal" in the house growing up. Backlash! Similar to why so many girls who went to Catholic school, well, you know.

Richard said...

Haven't you ever had champurrida for breakfast? Chocolate flavored atole... it's greeeeat!

But, as to Choco Zucaritas, yeah... another gringo-ized Mexican invention shot to hell.

Yorah said...

As a kid I was allowed one hour of television a day, had no soda besides seltzer and had no junk food in our home. Consequently (I surmise) I watch 'Half-Ton Teen' and any related "reality" television, down Diet Coke more than any self-respecting lab rat, and at the age of 39, eat Lik-a-Stix like some eat bread. So I, too, am showing distinct signs of backlash. It's not the cereal's fault.