Monday, November 02, 2009

The Living Will Envy the Dead!

In honor of Day of the Dead. Available now from

Made of Superior Grade 18-gauge steel, Lady de Guadalupe's exterior is hand-painted by experienced craftsman in an exquisite slate blue metallic color, complemented with individual appliqués of the Lady de Guadalupe. The interior bedding, so soft to the touch, is sewn and gathered by hand in a sky-blue chalet crepe adorned by an embroidered figure of the Lady de Guadalupe. High-polished hardware and carry bars for easy handling complete this religious-themed edition.

Pimp my ride! Seriously, it reads like a capsule review from Car & Driver.

Meanwhile, for the actuarially-inclined reader, Diario de Queretaro serves up a little death by the numbers.

In 2007 (the latest year for which data is available) 7,079 queretanos checked out, up 114 from the previous year. Diabetes, cancer, heart disease, liver disease, stroke, respiratory problems and traffic accidents accounted for 59.3 percent of the deaths, raising the obvious question of what the fuck could possibly account for the remaining 40.7%? Gorings during bullfights?

It should come as no surprise that men out-die women by a rate of 5 to 4. It does come as a surprise – especially for those of us who fit right in the middle of this group – that the most death-prone demographic in Querétaro is men age 30-59. No woman, no die.

On the plus side, a mere 74 of our 7,000 deaths were self-inflicted, making us the 20th-ranked state for suicides! On the downside, a quarter of them were teenagers. And despite being consistently ranked one of the best places in Mexico to live, we account for 2.1 percent of the national suicides, though our percentage of the national population is closer to 1.25 percent. Querétaro va en grande!

Finally, life expectancy in Querétaro is now 78 years for the señoritas and 73.2 years for the hombres. For sake of comparison, this is 32 years more for women and 23 more for men than in 1950. So somebody somewhere is doing something right. Still, when our executive editor realized he'll have to wait 31 more years until he can order that superior grade 18-gauge steel Lady de Guadalupe casket for himself, he knocked off early and went drinking.


Linda said...

Funny! In the U.S. all that goes into a concrete vault - guaranteed to be water proof for 100 years. I have the certificate for my parents. So, who checks? What a racket!

Anonymous said...

"High-polished hardware and carry bars for easy handling".....?? How much handling will that baby ever require? Is there some sort of casket race I'm not aware of?

Burro Hall said...

Throw a set of 23" spinners on that baby, and we're good to go.

s said...

I think the Jews have the right bling, just the pine box