Holiday....In Hell!!!

A few days ago the Mexico City government announced it would be offering free health insurance to foreigners visiting the city, presumably to assuage the fears of that subset of tourists who don't mind catching swine flu, but worry about how they'll pay for it. In fact, the coverage turns out to be very comprehensive.

The health insurance coverage for foreign tourists, starting in the summer, goes beyond just caring for those who develop flu symptoms.

It will also include full coverage for surgeries, medical tests, lodging for the patient during convalescence as long as necessary...

...compensation for lost luggage or delayed flights, transfer and repatriation in case of emergency, the cost of bringing a family member to where the visitor is hospitalized, and repatriation of remains in case of death.

What? No attorney to help you make out your last will and testament before you leave your hotel room?

Moreover, the support includes legal advice...

Sigh. We sort of understand what they're trying to do here, and we suppose it's possible that the person who dreamed this one up had not, in fact, been smoking crack nonstop for 72 hours, but there's a fine line between ignoring a problem and calling too much attention to it, and we think this more or less obliterates that line. Why not assign everyone an armed escort and one of those hermetically-sealed "Boy in the Plastic Bubble" suits? If anything, this reminds us of the William Castle horror flick Macabre, which promised moviegoers a $1000 "death by freight" insurance policy and uniformed nurses standing by in the lobby. The movie was a huge success, which probably gives the Mexico City Tourist Board a reason to be hopeful, though it's worth remembering that people went to see it because they wanted to be scared shitless, which we're guessing is not the top reason people come to the DF.

On the other hand, if you're thinking about murdering your wife, it sounds like the government will get you a lawyer, dispose of the body, and treat any wounds you may have sustained in the act. They really are desperate for tourist dollars here.

Spillover (Continued)

As if you needed yet another reason to stay the Christ out of Houston, well, here ya go:

Mexico cartels go bargain gun shopping in Houston

Mexican drug gangs looking for weapons powerful enough to stop a vehicle, penetrate a bullet-resistant vest or confront an army detachment need look no further than the Houston area's 1,500 gun shops, where merchandise is priced to move.

Guns bought in Houston through 'straw purchases' have been traced to dozens of murders in Mexico. One or two are purchased at a time, making them harder to track because of the sheer number of seemingly legitimate buyers who only buy a few guns from any given store.

One case that was tracked involved an individual named John Phillip Hernandez, who on July 12, 2006, walked into the Academy firearms dealer in Houston and bought a Beretta rifle and two Bushmaster rifles, according to case documents.

Seven months later, one of the guns was used in an attack on government offices in Acapulco, Mexico, in which four police officers and three secretaries were killed.

Due to a recently-enacted law requiring all articles about violence in Mexico to use some variation of the word "spillover," even when the whole crux of the piece is that American guns are flowing south and killing Mexicans, the reporter goes on to mention:

The Mexico border violence is starting to spill into the United States. In Tucson, Arizona, a two hour's drive from the border, residents have seen a rash of home break-ins and assaults from gangs linked to the lucrative drug trade.

Don't blame the poor writer. The law is the law.

Calle Abbey

People dressed as birds cross a street in Mexico City May 27, 2009. Members of Mexico's Ecologist Green Party protested on International Migratory Bird Day (IMBD) against the illegal trafficking of birds. REUTERS/Jorge Dan

Grand Unified Theory of Mediocrity

A few days ago we had a lunch with a friend at a Thai restaurant on the outskirts of town. (When we complain about the lack of non-Mexican food here, we generally mean within walking distance. If you're willing to drive - which usually we're not - there are options.) The restaurant was quite fancy and professional, with a full staff of uniformed waiters, a bartender, a maître d', leather-bound menus, etc. We put in our order. We wanted the mixed seafood over noodles, but there were two kinds of noodles to choose from and, unsure what the difference was, we talked it over with the waiter, and chose the ones he recommended. Even simpler, we both ordered the same thing. Also, we were the only people in the restaurant.

While we were waiting, we stared out the window and talked about Mexico - specifically, why a country with so many resources, and so many talented, hard-working people has such a hard time getting its act together. Our friend had been pondering this most of her adult life and thought that people just don't make a connection between doing they best they can at their own particular little job, and the greater good of society.

Before we knew it, we were interrupted by the waiter bearing two plates of mixed seafood over jasmine rice. We sent it back, asked the bartender for another round of drinks, and waited in the empty restaurant. We decided to talk about something else.

Poco a Poco

The English Only cafe takes another step towards the inevitable:

Disaster Tourism

We don't really know what to say about this idea from the governor of Veracruz, except that it's so wrong-headed, it's practically awe-inspiring:

Édgar Hernández, the Mexican kindergartner who is the first person known to have contracted the swine flu now circling the globe, may soon have a statue erected in his honor in the mountain village where he lives.

Gov. Fidel Herrera of the coastal state of Veracruz said the statue of Édgar, 5, could help attract tourists to La Gloria, a poor village where hundreds of residents came down with mysterious flulike symptoms beginning in late winter, in what experts say may have been the beginning of the spread of the new influenza strain.

Oh, lawdy...where to even begin? Young Édgar is, as the article notes, "the first person known to have contracted the swine flu now circling the globe." We're sure Édgar is a very nice boy, and he certainly didn't mean to do anything bad, but the kid did help spread a potentially deadly virus around the world, which is the sort of behavior we're not sure should be rewarded by building a statue in his honor. (If it is, we think this guy should get one first.)

Setting that aside for a moment, though, Gov. Herrera believes that tourists - who are staying away from the country's beautiful white-sand beach resorts in droves - will flock to "a poor village where hundreds of residents came down with mysterious flulike symptoms" in order to gaze at a statue of a highly-contagious, diseased little boy - a boy who, in real life, lives just down the street! You'd have to look pretty hard, dear reader, to find a greater champion of Mexican tourism and anti-swine-flu hysteria than this blog, but we can assure you we have no plans to visit any tiny village containing "hundreds" of swine flu sufferers any time in the next 20 years.

Even ignoring the "hot zone" aspect, though - would anyone voluntarily vacation in La Gloria? Even the town's tourism website features a photograph taken from space, which would indicated that this is the most flattering view of the place. That might be because La Gloria is just a few miles downwind of a enormous Smithfield Farms industrial hog lot.

Downwind of Xaltepec – where 15,000 squealing hogs are squeezed into 18 warehouses – residents of La Gloria blame Smithfield, Luter's firm, for an outbreak of respiratory problems that swept the town last month, killing two children....

Starting in February, one in six of the 3,000 residents reported health problems. The government initially dismissed the spike as a late-season rise in ordinary flu, but by April, health officials sealed off the town and sprayed chemicals to kill the flies that residents said were swarming about their homes.

The reports of swarming flies, terrible smells and pictures of rotting pigs left scattered around the perimeter of its industrialised pig farms in Mexico are echoes of the concerns that have long been troubling environmental activisits, campaigning against Smithfield in all the countries in which it operates, not least in the US. Critics say that – even on top of any questions about the humane treatment of the pigs – the sheer quantities of manure that have to be disposed of when thousands, or tens of thousands, of animals are housed together make it impossible to run this business in a safe way.

The manure is collected in a lake underneath the pig pens and then washed into giant pools or lagoons. It is eventually sprayed on nearby fields, but the lagoons have a habit of leaking or flooding.

Okay, sure, but did we mention there's a creepy-looking statue of a sick kid? What more enticement do you need?

Special Bonus Weirdness: The sculptor, Bernardo Luis Artasánchez (above, in Superman t-shirt), is the same artist who did this statue of Vicente Fox.

Great Moments in Idiomatic Translation

We were flipping channels yesterday and caught a little of Denzel Washington's Training Day, broadcast in English with Spanish subtitles. This was the official subtitled version not one of those amateurishly-produced bootlegs, but still, we're not sure we'd have translated the affectionate greeting "My nigga!" as, "You are my slave!"

The Parking Lot Chronicles

There's an underground parking lot at the end of our street, underneath Plaza Constitution (home of the Dancing Fountains!). We've never been inside, what with being able to park in front of our house and all, but we're sure it's nice.

While we were perusing the weekend flea market, we noticed a book with the rather un-sexy title The Plaza Constitution Parking Lot. Could this be some sort of subterranean murder mystery, we wondered? A political thriller? No, The Plaza Constitution Parking Lot is a 310-page (!) book about the Plaza Constitution parking lot. Sometimes, we reach for our pesos so fast that we sprain a finger on our belt loop.

Hard to believe, but it gets better. The Plaza Constitution Parking Lot was written by Jesús Rodríguez Hernández, who was mayor of Querétaro when the parking lot was built. This was before our time (1997, roughly), but we gather the project was not without controversy. This we know because the jacket copy on the book says as much, and Rodríguez promises to answer the critics, point the finger, and, above all, name names. This is not just a 310-page book about a parking lot (which would totally have given us our 30 pesos-worth), but a scathing political tell-all! Scores will be settled. Reputations will be tattered. There will be blood. It's as if Rudy Giuliani left office and decided to write 150,000 words on his efforts to suspend alternate-side-of-the-street parking on holidays.

Rodríguez dedicates the book to the memory of his mother, "who taught me always to defend and honor the truth." If there's underground parking in Heaven, we know she's smiling down at him.

An American Family

As you're probably aware the posts on this site are generally written by our staff writers or interns, usually in their native Hñähño (which has to then be translated into Spanish before being run through Google Translation and uploaded here, in case you were wondering why we don't cover breaking news). But since this is one is more family-related, I thought I'd come to the office and write it myself (or, more accurately, dictate it to little Luipta here).

First of all, Happy Birthday to our most energetic commenter, my mother, who is officially of retirement age today - a fact that would probably excite her more had she not left the work force midway through the Johnson Administration to devote herself to spoiling yr. humble corresp. full-time. Also, Happy Memorial Day. Now for the family/memorial tie-in...

So, a few days ago, the Legal Dept. was performing their weekly internet search for any references to me that might warrant a cease and desist letter or a nuisance lawsuit, when they discovered Koughan Memorial Water Tower Park, a two-acre parcel of land in Round Rock, TX.

"Koughan" being a transcription error from the original Irish "Keoghane," anyone with that name is almost certainly a relative. And while we, as individuals, if not collectively, are not entirely lacking in accomplishment, the Koughans are not people who have a lot of stuff named after them. In fact, we're pretty certain this is the only piece of public property in entire United States to bear our name. (And it's in Texas, no less! We were very relieved to learn that Round Rock is adjacent to Austin, the Lone Star State's one little island of sanity. Plus, we like the whole Boston/Austin thing, pioneered by another son of the Bay State who has a lot of stuff named after him.)

The Koughan memorial Water Tower serves as a giant tree at Christmastime, and it apparently appears in the opening of "Friday Night Lights," though I've never seen the show. Here it is on GoogleEarth:


But who is the Koughan being memorialized here? A statesman? A war hero? A philanthropist? A self-employed certified public accountant? Sigh. If you happen to be a Koughan, you won't be surprised to learn it's the latter.

William Koughan, according to his extremely pleasant wife, Ruth (who, to my amazement, didn't think for a second that I was some weirdo trying to scam her), was a CPA from St Paul, MN, who moved to Texas about 35 years ago and passed away in 1998 at the age of 62. Since 1990, he had lived on Round Rock Ave, just up the street from the eyesore patch of land containing the water tower. After he died, Ruth and some friends raised about 40 grand to spruce up the land, which was also across the street from Bill's CPA practice, and turn it into a park bearing his name.

In other words, our family's one public commemoration was bought and built by ourselves. I was a little bummed out by this until I decided to think of it as an example of the kind of self-reliance and rugged individualism that to often goes unapplauded in the public sphere. So Happy Memorial Day, everyone.

Burro Hall After Dark

On the wise council of our high school teacher brother - who understands the teenage mind in a way we never did, even when we were teenagers - we took a quick spin through the YouTubes to see if the drunken conversation referenced in the previous post had been mischievously uploaded. It hadn't. But we did come across this "casting video" for a local woman named Ana. It's not at all clear what she's trying to be "cast" for, but, at 4'11" and 101 lbs., we're guessing it's not runway work. Still, if you need someone to pose seductively in a revolving office chair, we think you'll agree that Ana's your muchacha:

Kind of like watching a lava lamp, isn't it? Suddenly half the night is gone, and we're still hitting refresh. We checked around on the YouTube page for her contact information (we're still in the market for a backup singer or two), and though there doesn't appear to be any, if you click under "Statistics & Data" you'll see that one of the pages that links to this video is gubernatorial candidate Pepe Calzada's blog. Toss in the fact that the video description uses the word "edecane," which, among other things, means "escort," and suddenly we wish that foreigners were allowed to engage in politics around here.

(Update: Calzada appears to have unlinked. Because the cover-up is never worse than the crime.)

Giving Back to the Children

We were sitting at a café on the Plaza last night, when three high-school age girls approached, notebooks in hand. “Good night!” they said. “You are speaking English?”

“Um, I am now, yes.”

“You can do an interview?”

We said yes without demanding further explanation, guessing – correctly, we think – that it was some sort of English class homework assignment. One of the three pulls out a point-and-shoot digital camera with a video function. (It’s unclear if this is for transcription purposes of if it’s going to be played in class. Looking back, we’re hoping it’s the latter.) The other two pull out index cards and alternate asking questions. “What. Is. Your. Name?” “How. Old. Are. You?” “Where. Do. You. Come. From?” On it went, and our answers were generally shorter than their questions. Until, “Why. Do. You. Come. To. Mexico?”

“Ah, well, that’s sort of complicated, mija, but the short answer would be ‘mid-life crisis.’ And, okay, I know what you’re thinking: ‘who has a mid-life crisis at 38,’ right? But check the actuarial tables, kid, and it’s all right there: life expectancy of a Caucasian male born in 1967 – 76.4 years! What does mid-life mean if not 'halfway through life'?”

We should probably mention here that it was 2-por-1 cervezas, and we’d been there for a while already.

“So I’m working for this big name TV news outfit, you know? But then they bring in these new people to run the place – I mean, it’s an institution, really, but they go ahead and hand it over to this younger guy, total company man. Might as well have been wearing a gray flannel suit, you know? Not that the guy was without talent, that’s not what I’m saying, but he’s totally in corporate’s pocket, and the purge is coming, right? The purge always comes! It's C.B. fuckin' S! And so, guess who’s in the cross hairs.”

Camera Girl takes her left hand off the camera and uses it to support her right elbow. The three of them exchange glances.

“So now I’m out of work and trying to figure out who’s gonna hire me, and then I realize, hel-lo! They just disqualified you from the rat race, and the first thing that comes to mind is how do you get yourself reinstated? This is your brain on drugs, right? So then I’m all, like, fuck it, hand me that fuckin’ atlas. So - boom! - fast-forward few few short years, and here I am, a teaching tool in a Mexican classroom. Ain’t life weird?”

The table falls silent for about three seconds, just long enough for me to draw the waiter's eye towards my empty glass. Then, without missing a beat, the first girl looks down at her index card.

“What. Places. Have. You. Visit. In. Mexico?"

Memo from the Sports Desk

We're glad that the Mexican Constitution prohibits foreigners from participating in (let alone voting in) Mexican politics, because it saves us having to pick a favorite among the parties vying for state and local office here - one of which is, basically, the Illuminati, and the other, a moribund institution that will probably welcome Rod Blagojevic if he ever decides to flee American justice. (There's one other party, with which our editorial board is probably more aligned ideologically, but if it's running any candidates, they have yet to inform the electorate.)

This is all a long way of saying that our linking to gubernatorial candidate Pepe Calzada's blog is not an endorsement - we just like it because it seems actually to be written by the candidate himself, and is updated much more frequently than this site (which makes us wonder how much time he'd actually devote to governing, not that we're very hard workers ourselves, of course). Also, we were unaware that the guy spent three years as a novice bullfighter, which we think would be without precedent in a US election. And of course, the mere mention of the corrida gets him flooded with animal-rights commentors, which goes a long way in generating empathy from the Burro Hall sports desk (which, unlike the editorial board, will be endorsing a slate of candidates in early summer).

Not Dark Yet, But It's Gettin' There

We didn't go to business school, but this sounds like the opposite of good news, no?

Mexico's economy shrank 5.9% in the first quarter from the fourth quarter of last year -- showing the economy in its steepest decline since the depths of the country's 1995 peso crisis.

That translates to an annualized quarter-on-quarter drop of 21.5%. Compared to a year ago, gross domestic product fell by 8.2%, the country's statistics office said on Wednesday.

The worst may not be over for Mexico, which faces a dramatic fall in tourism because of the recent outbreak of A/H1N1 flu, on top of slumping demand from the U.S.

There's an old saying, that when the US sneezes, Mexico catches a cold. This turns out to be especially true if the US thinks it's sneezing because of swine flu.

Foreign visitors may generate $4 billion less in revenue this year than the $13 billion last year, says Tourism Minister Rodolfo Elizondo. The travel industry, Mexico's third biggest source of foreign income, employs 2 million.

Hotels in the resort town of Cancún are running at 29% occupancy during May compared to the usual average 74%, according to the regional hotel association

In light of all this, it does seem silly that the Mexican government has declared war on the one industry operating in the red black these days.

Filling the Space with Doggie Pictures...

We've been remiss in posting cute animal pictures, so here's a couple from the perro's monthly bath day yesterday. Because "bath day" would more accurately be described as "shower day," we'll spare you any photographs, since they involve a bit more wet, soapy, man-on-dog action than the Archbishop of Querétaro would allow. But the routine is that, after the bath, the boy - who weighs about 20 pounds dry, and 50 pounds wet - dries himself in the sun for several hours.


Followed by a vigorous brushing, which, not counting the stuff that blows away in the wind or gets stuck to the cat, results in a furball roughly half the size of the perro himself.


Then we go for a walk and he pees on three of his feet at once. And the cycle continues.

Meanwhile

While the world craps its collective diaper over the swine flu, we just thought we'd mention that the number of cases of hemorrhagic dengue fever in Mexico have, in the first four months of this year, surpassed the total for all of 2008. Given that the mild form of dengue goes by the nickname "break-bone fever," we'd like to put ourselves on the record as being officially scared shitless about this, even though the number of cases in Querétaro is currently zero.

What Becomes a Legend Most

There's a legend about the founding of Querétaro which - since we're sure we've mentioned it before - we'll condense considerably, but basically there was a battle pitting the Spaniards and their Otomi indian allies against the Chichimeca indian holdouts - a battle of great interest to us because it was fought on the spot that is now the world headquarters of Burro Hall Enterprises. So, long legend short, at the climactic moment of the battle, the heavens darken and a brilliant white cross of fire appears in the sky, along with Santiago, the patron saint of Spain atop a majestic steed, heralding a Spanish victory, at which point the savages laid down their arms, converted to Christianity, and everyone got smallpox and died, the end.

Which is fine - who doesn't like a good creation myth, right? Except that while this story is repeated everywhere, especially in tourist literature, we have yet to see any serious accounts of what actually happened. The jumping-off point for the following screed is this: we've started perusing ("reading" would vastly overstate our abilities) "The History of Querétaro" by Manuel Septién y Septién, an historian of some reputation here. The book was recently re-issued by the government, and the forward describes it as "magisterial" and "authoritative." (The fact that those words are applied to a book of under 220 pages tells you all you need to know about the quality of scholarship around here.) It certainly is thorough; you may, like us, be disappointed to learn that there is no evidence that woolly mammoths ever inhabited the city, though they did live in nearby San Juan del Rio [p. 20].

And there, on page 39, is the flying, flaming cross and the airborne Santiago. "And with this marvel ended the fight between the Christians and the Chichimecas, and the leaders of the conquering army took possession of the site in the name of the King of Spain."

Can we posit something here? That, perhaps - just perhaps - this is not how it fucking happened? Do we even have to explain why we find this explanation unsatisfactory? The really frustrating thing is that, this is not some ancient legend deciphered from cave paintings - this happened in 1531! The Renaissance was in full swing. Henry VIII was King of England. Machiavelli was writing "The Prince." Is it really possible that an accurate account of the founding of a major New World city should prove so elusive?

Anyone who can point us to a non-fairy-tale version of the Battle of Burro Hall (what, we don't get to add our own spin to the legend?) is invited to do so in comments.

Things We Will Never Be Hungry (or Mexican) Enough to Eat

Barbecue-flavored microwave pork rinds.

The USA is #1

In your face, Mexico!

The United States has surpassed Mexico as the world leader in confirmed cases of swine flu.

The United States had 4,714 confirmed cases, according to the official tally by the World Health Organization over the weekend, while Mexico reported 3,103 documented cases.

These colors don't run.

Sch...itty!

We don't know why it's only now occurring to us to just steal all our content from Tex[t]-Mex, but it really does leave us a lot more time to drink in the afternoon.

Anyway, they came across this bold new advertisement from Schweppes tonic water, which makes a point we think too many companies shy away from: that Mexicans really are filthy, disease-ridden, germ-infested people with whom interaction should be avoided at all cost. Also, several dozen of them have died of a contagious illness, which is, when you think about it, pretty damn funny.

Apropos of nothing, we note that, early last year, Schweppes announced that it had begun using the Pathatrix-Ultra food-borne pathogen testing program, which is used "for the rapid detection of food-borne pathogens such as salmonella spp, listeria spp, campylobacter spp, E sakazakii, MAP, and Ecoli O157." We're not sure why they would have done this, unless there was a fear within the company that consumers might contract these illnesses from the company's products.

Schweppes, by the way, is now owned by the Dr. Pepper Snapple Group, Inc. [Note to self: great band name.] According to their latest annual report:

Our Mexico and the Caribbean segment is a brand ownership and a bottling and distribution business. This segment participates mainly in the carbonated mineral water, flavored CSD, bottled water and vegetable juice categories, with particular strength in carbonated mineral water and grapefruit flavored CSDs. In 2008, our Mexico and the Caribbean segment had net sales of $427 million with our operations in Mexico representing approximately 90% of the net sales of this segment. Key brands include Peñafiel, Squirt, Clamato and Aguafiel.

Fortunately, given the way global commerce works, no one at corporate headquarters actually had to touch any of the 5 billion pesos Mexicans spent on the company's products last year.

Burro Hall Financial Planning Guide

Go to Zacatecas. Ask prison guards if they have two tens for a five. Repeat.

Gang fools Mexico prison guards

An armed gang disguised as police has broken into a jail in northern Mexico and freed more than 50 prisoners.

A convoy of at least 15 vehicles arrived at the prison with gang members all apparently disguised as federal police officers.

Once inside, the prison authorities were persuaded that an inspection was under way and guards were overpowered.

The prisoners were all suspected members of the Gulf Cartel. But don't worry, an intense manhunt is underway.

Army troops as well as local and federal police have begun a search and set up roadblocks near the prison facility in Zacatecas and neighbouring states.

Why do we have the sinking feeling that a jeep full of "senior army officers" is going to pull up and inform the soldiers that the search has been "called off" - and then order them all to turn over their wristwatches for "official synchronization"?

On the Other Hand, It's Supposed To Be Good Luck

Making fun of Alanis Morissette's "Ironic," is an old, easy joke: There's nothing "ironic" about "rain on your wedding day." But we'd like to amend that. If it hasn't rained in your city for nine months, and then it rains three times in five days, including a rainstorm that starts less than an hour before your long-scheduled wedding, well, that is kind of ironic, isn't it?

So best of luck to Berenice and Albert, who'll be breaking out the his-and-hers umbrellas later this evening!

Update: So, what did we learn? That Mexican wedding-reception DJs work off the same playlist as American ones but, because most of the guests don't know how to say the alphabet in English, the chorus of "Y.M.C.A." just involves a lot of indiscriminate arm-waving, rather than the drill-team precision you'd find in El Norte. This - and other dance-floor incidents - put to rest for us the idea that "el ritmo Latino" is some sort of inherent genetic trait.

Also, American weddings would be greatly improved by the addition of unlimited tamarind margaritas.

Run, Paco, Run!

Track and field aficionados got some good news this week when Gov. "Diamond" Paco Garrido, as part of his farewell goodies-distribution tour, dedicated a brand new, million-dollar tartan track at the Universidad Autónoma de Querétaro. (Though, as you can see from Inqro.com's video below, there are probably more track and field aficionados on the staff of Burro Hall than there are in the city of Querétaro.)

We're intrigued by (and frankly a bit doubtful of) the description of the track as being "one of the three best tracks in the entire country" - not because we doubt the quality of the million-dollar surface of the track itself, but because the track, being located as it is in Querétaro, sits about 6,000 feet above sea level. This, as we're reminded on our daily staving-off-the-Reaper jog through the streets of the city, tends to cancel out any advantages that might be gained from a springy tartan surface. It does make us really curious about where the other two best-tracks are located, though.

Play Safe

There'll be some lucha action tonight at the Auditorio Arteaga, and ticket holders can rest assured that, despite the number of confirmed swine flu cases having reached 57, the show will go on. But don't worry, management will be handing out protective face masks and antiseptic hand gel - and providing "maximun hygiene in the bathrooms."


And then a bunch of half naked guys will crack each other in the Adam's apple with folding chairs and smash lightbulbs over their heads.

We're sorely tempted to visit a strip club this weekend, just to see what precautions they're taking.

The Hole Truth

Today is National Teachers Day. And don't think, just because the teachers just had a two-week flu vacation, shortly after a two-week Easter vacation, that they're not taking today off, too - because of course they are! On a related note, Querétaro schoolkids will be able to enjoy some specially modified lessons this year about the storming of the Bastille, because it was just announced that they'll still be in school on July 14.

Speaking of busting down doors and stickin' it to the crown, today is also a local holiday: "End of the Siege of Querétaro Day" - or something like that - marking the day in 1867 that Republican forces broke through the city's defenses and accepted the French-backed Emperor Maximillian's resignation (by which we mean, sentenced him to be shot to death). This is a question we've asked before, but since there are so many students sitting at home today with nothing to do, we thought we'd give them something to ponder...

This is the spot where the Republican forces broke through what was then the city's defensive wall. The top photo is from 1900, the other a recent shot by a staff photographer we had to let go for embezzling. The sign says that the troops "entered though this spot," meaning the hole. So, the sign commemorates the hole, not the wall.

From the differences in the stones in the two pictures, it's pretty obvious that the wall has been rebuilt some time in the last 109 years. But the sign, though new, says the same thing: that this is the hole through which the troops entered. But is it? If you rebuild the wall, is the hole the same hole? They're not even the same size and shape. But is it even possible to destroy a hole?

You may now pick up your pencils and open your blue books. You have 15 minutes.

That's What Friends Are For

When we saw the headline "US earns Mexico's thanks over swine flu response" we sort of rolled our eyes and though, you know, maybe the US should be thanking Mexico, since things would have been a lot worse without the country's swift, possibly over-reactive response. But it turns out, that's not what the story is about at all. Mexico is genuinely grateful because we're one of the few countries that isn't treating Mexico like a 760,000-square-mile leper colony.

Swine flu has infected Mexico's relations with China and other countries that have canceled airline flights and halted some trade. But its most prickly neighbor — the United States — now seems like the country's most loyal friend.

Mexico is smarting from what it considers discriminatory actions by countries it had considered friendly, insisting the world should be grateful for its open and aggressive efforts to stem the spread of swine flu. The shutdown of public life cost Mexico $2.2 billion in the first 10 days after the epidemic was announced.

The government sent a plane to pick up 70 of its citizens quarantined in China. It rebuked Cuba, Ecuador, Argentina and Peru for banning flights to Mexico, saying they were acting "incongruously with our traditional ties of friendship."

France tried — and failed — to win a European Union-wide ban on flights to Mexico.

Particularly insulting for Mexico: Haiti rejected a Mexican ship last week carrying 77 tons of much-needed food aid because of swine flu fears.

All of that put the U.S. response in a very favorable light. Neither the United States nor Canada banned flights or restricted trade with Mexico. The three countries are partners in the North American Free Trade Agreement.

President Barack Obama forcefully rejected the idea of closing the border, despite arguments from conservative talk show hosts that swine flu showed immigration from Mexico was a threat.

This American-behaving-in-a-common-sense-way thing is definitely taking some getting used to.

Undocumented Aliens

Via Tex[t]-Mex, here's Raquel Welch dancing among some statues built for the 1968 Mexico City Olympics with a pair of, um....Mexican spacemen? Or something. Frankly, we have no idea what this is, but it's now our second-favorite image from the '68 Games.

The Wrestlers

We've fallen a little behind on our media consumption, so we're only just now seeing this weekend's lucha libre story in the New York Times. We were slightly apprehensive because the appearance of a cultural phenomenon in the pages of the Gray Lady usually means the phenomenon has officially jumped the shark*, but the piece was actually quite interesting as it centered on a distinctly American (or, more accurately, Mexican-immigrants-in-America) version of the lucha:

But in the heart of the fight card, a deeper conflict played on the racial tensions and stereotypes of a downtrodden immigrant audience. Among the wrestlers, the vilest of the vile were the members of La Legíon Extranjera, the Foreign Legion, gringos who openly disparaged the spectators, their language and their country. The invasion, in this sense, referred to the chance for the Mexican heroes to drive out the Foreign Legion.

Just as American wrestling leagues enjoyed broad popularity in the waning days of the cold war with villainous Soviet characters like Nikolai Volkoff and Krusher Khrushchev, the lucha libre promoters have tailored their story line to the times.

All we can add here is that most of the lucha north of the border, including what's covered in this story, is AAA league, which the cognoscenti (by which we of course mean ourselves and our immediate circle of friends) tend to dismiss as Hollywood-style flash, preferring instead the old school grappling of the CMLL. We'll concede that this started out as an affectation, but now we kinda mean it. Still, to each his own.

* (In case you were wondering, the phrase "jump the shark" officially jumped the shark on December 12, 1999.)

Divine Comedy

1st Circle of Hell: Standing in line at a government office.

2nd Circle of Hell: A Mexican government office.

3rd Circle of Hell: Specifically, Immigration.

4th Circle of Hell: Take a number. 47.

5th Circle of Hell: "...Twenty-nine!..."

6th Circle of Hell: Number 45, an immigration lawyer, has so many passports, he's cradling them in both arms like a newborn.

7th Circle of Hell: TV overhead is blaring Madonna's "Confessions Tour 2006" DVD.

8th Circle of Hell: Which plays in its entirety.

9th Circle of Hell: "...Thirty-six!..."

How to Build a Mexican

Scientists have mapped the Mexican genome. We're pretty sure this won't help us understand our neighbors any better, but we still plan to scour the paper [pdf] for a genetic explanation of why we're the only ones bothered by loud noises around here, or why no one else seems to think "Delicious Tripe" is an oxymoron.

But first, a special Burro Hall saludos! to USA Today for posing - utterly unprompted by anything that actually appears in the study - the question on every eugenicist's mind:

Are Mexicans genetically susceptible to H1N1 virus?

Although the findings are preliminary, a study released Monday raises the possibility that the H1N1 flu has been deadlier in Mexicans than in others because they are genetically more susceptible to the infection.

Given that the study doesn't even address the issue of susceptiblity to H1N1 or any other disease, we think it's also fair to point out that the paper "raises the possibility" that, through a series of future genetic mutations, Mexicans may someday sprout wings and the ability to shoot lasers from their anuses. Given this "possibility," we think it's reasonable to ask what President Obama is planning to do about it.

Springtime for PAN

Election season kicked off in earnest over the weekend, and so we're bringing you this not-at-all unnerving photograph of the major candidates from PAN, the right-wing, law-and-order, vaguely fascist, Church-dominated, very-possibly-involved-in-the-occult, National Action Party, as they gather onstage at a party conference last Friday. They're the overwhelming favorites here in just about every race, so we can look forward to three more years of the trains running on time, and possibly the annexation of the neighboring state of Guanajuato. (Shhh! Don't talk about the war!)

They Do Shoot Horses

We can't quite imagine the reason for this, but we assume it was wasn't a mercy-killing.

Gunmen killed nine people in three separate attacks in the Mexico's drug-plagued western state of Michoacan, authorities said Sunday.

The state attorney general's office said gunmen broke into a ranch in a rural area and shot dead five employees, along with four horses and a bull.

Shooting the bull first is probably the smart thing to do in these situations.

Viral Marketing

Desperate times call for desperate measures, we suppose, and the Mexican hotel industry sure is desperate these days. Still, we're not 100% convinced that AM Resort Hotels' Flu-Free Guarantee is a such a great idea:

If a guest contracts Influenza A - H1N1 while staying with us, their next three vacations will be free of charge. In order to qualify, the guest must have reserved their stay between May 8, 2009 and June 30, 2009 for travel taking place between May 8, 2009 and December 20, 2009. New reservations only.

There are many strands of H1N1, therefore it must be qualified as Influenza A - H1N1. The guest must provide positive blood results in addition to the certification of the doctor who performed the test in order to redeem the three free return stays.

We're not sure if it's the suggestion that, while staying at an AM Resorts hotel, a guest may in fact come down with a potentially deadly illness, or the legalistic nitpicking over exactly which potentially deadly illness a guest must contract - out of the presumably many, many potentially deadly illnesses one can catch in an AM Resorts hotel - to be eligible for the grand prize, which is to stay several more times at the hotel chain at which you were staying when you or your children developed a potentially deadly illness (and the name of the swine flu-spreading hotel chain, once again, is AM Resort Hotels!), but in our humble opinion, the Vice-President in Charge of Not Doing Stupid Shit was clearly out of the office last week, probably with swine flu.

Dia de la Mamá

Mexican Mother's Day always falls on May 10, even if it's in the middle of the week, while American Mother's Day is always the second Sunday in May, but this year, like some grand convergence of the Aztec calendar, May 10 is the second Sunday in May! So if any of you are, by chance, on the wrong side of the border today, you're really got no excuse not to be thinking about Mamá.

Here's a goofy little essay we found on the Google this morning, which we like because it reminds us of the kind of substance-free answers we used to write when we were in school. 400 words just to say "Mother's Day is a day in honor of mothers." It starts by saying, "In Mexico, Mother's Day is celebrated on the 10th of May, every year," before adding, rather redundantly, "Mexicans have a fixed date for celebrating this special day." Then it ends with a list of dates Mexican Mother's Day will fall on over the next five years - none of them, according to the anonymous author, being May 10. Whoever wrote it should really get themselves a blog.

Casing the Joint

Because every quarantine is an opportunity, criminals in Querétaro have been using the swine flu scare as a chance to gather some data of their own. Calling people at home on the pretext that it's a Health Dept survey, the scammers pump the respondents for household information, especially concerning the comings and goings of every family member. In the end they should have - just like real epidemiologists - a color-coded map of the neighborhood showing which houses are likely to be in a state of break-and-enterability at various hours of the day.

And people say Mexico's response to the flu hasn't been proactive enough.

Down is the New Up

Headlines saying that the swine flu death toll is "rising," or "climbing" to 42, seem to ignore the fact that, a week ago, the number was 159. Just sayin'.

The Lady is a Tramp

Here's a light-hearted piece from a marketing consultant named Betsy Perry which ran in the Huffington Post last week and which manages, in fewer than 500 words, to incorporate so many offensive and idiotic remarks about Mexico that, really, it defies our ability to excerpt it and still do justice to the author's ignorance. Just go read the whole thing.

We vastly preferred Perry's letter of resignation to Mayor Bloomberg, who had appointed her to the NYC Commission on Women's Issues, not just because it's concise and invective-free, but because it's dated Cinco de Mayo. Good luck in whatever you decide to do next. Douche.

Day Without a Mexican

Deborah Bonello has shot what would appear to be the most boring video ever made - unless you know what a city of 20 million inhabitants is supposed to look like on a beautiful Spring weekend, in which case it's sort of amazing.

Panic! At the Discount Store

So, with the all-clear about to be sounded and the pandemic winding down, queretanos are, of course, starting to panic (at least according to the local media we're reading from 2800 miles away). Seems that as soon as the government makes a recommendation like "don't go mobbing the supermarkets," everyone goes running out at the same time to stock up on bottled water and canned goods - resulting in an enormous mob of people crammed together in a confined space, quickly and efficiently passing the H1N1 virus back and forth among themselves.

Coming up: A run on gun shops! Stay tuned.

Vince McMahon Upgrades Flu Outbreak to "Epidemic"

Fans of the old-school lucha libre will be pleased to know this:

Due to the ongoing Swine Flu epidemic, World Wrestling Entertainment decided to cancel its upcoming house show tour of Mexico that was scheduled for the last week of May.

WWE had scheduled shows in Monterrey on May 27 and 28, Queretaro on May 29, and Mexico City on May 30.

Whata buncha pretty-boy pussies.

Never Mind

Did someone say 160 dead? Or did they mean more like 16? The latest numbers - because, contrary to what the media would like, good science takes a little time - have the number of cases of swine flu in Mexico (pop. 110 million) down below 400, with sixteen confirmed deaths - a toll that, were it from one of the all-too-frequent bus crashes around here, would be considered "lucky."

Here are the latest numbers. The bad news is that we can no longer say that the city of Querétaro has no cases of swine flu: it now has one, and San Juan del Rio has one, for a statewide total of: two. (Population of the state of Querétaro: 1.6 million.)

Confirmed Cases 397
16 dead
381 living

Location of deaths
11 DF
3 Estado de México
1 Oaxaca
1 Tlaxcala
Sex
12 Women
4 Men

Location of cases of swine flu in Mexico:
285 en DF
45 del Estado de México
29 de San Luis Potosí
7 Tlaxcala
5 Aguascalientes

Less than five cases:
Chihuahua
Puebla
Baja California
Michoacán
Guanajuato
Querétaro
Oaxaca
Otros

Quacks Wanted

We're not sure why we bother staying on various batshit-crazy mailing lists, except for the occasional bit of comedy like Americans for Legal Immigration's all points bulletin searching for an MD willing to disregard all scientific evidence and parrot the position that "securing the borders" will stop swine flu

We need to hear from any Medical Doctors in our network that are willing to go on TV today to simply state that adequately securing our borders at this time could help to slow the progression of the Mexican [sic] Swine Flu. If you are an MD, please contact William Gheen of ALIPAC asap via WilliamG@alipac.us

Plastic surgeons are, of course, MDs, but we're not sure we'd turn to one in a flu pandemic. What Gheen really needs is an epidemiologist, but he can't possibly ask for one since there's not a non-insane epidemiologist out there who thinks you can stop a flu virus after is already crossed a border. Maybe he could call Sanjay Gupta - the guy's literally a brain surgeon!

Deep Thought

This swine flu thing has really taken a lot of the heat off Burger King.

Bull Flu

It always feels like pandemics are something that happen to other people. "Hey, sorry about your ebola, but it doesn't affect me!" And then, one day, there you are, staring into the frightened eyes of someone you love. We're talking, of course, about Julián "El Juli" López, who was set to reprise his brilliant performance from last January tonight in Juriquilla, Qro, until the back-to-back bullfights for the Festival de Juriquilla got swine-flued out. Have we mentioned there are no confirmed cases of the flu in Querétaro yet?

Meanwhile, the Kentucky Derby - with a larger crowd, tighter quarters and, frankly, a population prone to more bizarre animal-borne illnesses than Mexico has even heard of - is scheduled to go off on time. Keep this in mind when the outbreak gets worse and people are pointing fingers at Mexico's primitive, backwards-assed healthcare system.

Queretanos holding tickets for the bullfight are urged to fly to Massachusetts this evening and catch the urban-folk stylings a college pal of ours, Ellis Paul, at the Me & Thee Coffeehouse in Marblehead. If you bring along a printout of this posting, you'll get $3 off any CD.

If you can't get up to Marblehead, well, here's El Juli in Juriquilla last January:

(And unlike the Kentucky Derby, all the horses survived.)