To The Bitter End

We took the contingent of visiting academics to Guanajuato yesterday, where we ventured for the first time into the city's biggest attraction - the Mummy Museum, thus saving everyone involved a trip to Detroit. The mummies themselves are about as awesome as we expected, but the museum sucks ass. It's way too small for the crowds it attracts, badly laid out, and if they made it any harder to find they'd have tourists dying of exhaustion and starvation on their way there...which would of course provide a free supply of mummies in perpetuity, so maybe that's by design.



One thing we hadn't quite understood about the mummies was their provenance. The Detroit exhibit uses the same vague, passive language as the Guanajuato site:

It was in 1865 that cemetery workers in the Santa Paula Pantheon exhumed the remains of Dr. Remigio Leroy, and were astonished to find that his body had not decayed, but had instead mummified. Over time, more than 100 of these natural mummies would be discovered during exhumation from their crypts.

What they don't say - but which the museum, to its credit, is quite candid about - is why these bodies were exhumed. It wasn't just some strange accidental circumstance; rather, the corpses were being dug up because their descendants could no longer afford to pay for the upkeep of their graves, so the cemetery (it's not clear to us if it was private, public, or Church-run) would toss them out to make room for customers with better credit. And now, a century and a half after receiving what they hoped would be a decent burial, the government of Guanajuato charges people like us 50 pesos apiece to gawk at their twisted, naked remains. We're not sure what happened to the bodies that weren't well-preserved enough to merit inclusion in the museum, but we're guessing it makes a terrific argument for cremation.

And so on that note, all of us here at Burro Hall look forward to burying 2009 once and for all at the stroke on midnight tonight...but don't be surprised if someone digs up its dessicated, worm-eaten corpse 100 years from now and puts it on display in a government-sponsored freak show so its naked genitals can be laughed at by schoolkids. Because that's just the way life works out sometimes.

¡Feliz Año Nuevo!

Jumping the Shark

At 1:52 into this video, the lucha libre ceased to be cool.

Spillover

Good news for some of Mexico's closest neighbors:

Violence drops in U.S. cities neighboring Mexico

Murders in key U.S. border cities dropped in the first half of 2009, new FBI crime data show, and some law enforcement officials say that trend is continuing.

Although 1,000 people were slain in the Mexican city of Ciudad Juárez in the first six months of 2009, according to the U.S. State Department, neighboring El Paso had four murders. That's two fewer than the six-month total in 2008, FBI data show.

With one week left in 2009, murders total 13, compared with 18 in 2008, El Paso Police Sgt. Chris Mears says.

One of the largest drops was in Tucson, where murders fell from 30 in the first half of 2008 to nine in the same period this year. Declines, although smaller, also were reported in San Diego and the Texas border cities of Brownsville and McAllen.

Meanwhile, across the border in Juárez...

With more than 2,500 homicides, Juarez accounts for more than one-third of the 6,000 drug-related murders in Mexico this year; since April, when a surge of federal troops brought a brief lull in the death toll, the city has resumed a pace of eight to 10 murders a day. The violence has also spilled over into the suburban neighborhoods of El Paso.

The city estimates that the violence has created 7,000 orphans and displaced 100,000 people, many of whom have fled across the Rio Grande to Texas. Most of the members of the business and political elite of Juarez, including the mayor, now either sleep or maintain a second home in El Paso. The chief human rights advocate also retreated across the river.

and Tijuana...

More than 45 people have been killed in Tijuana since Saturday in grisly drug violence that appears to signal the end of a nearly yearlong truce between rival crime bosses, according to Mexican authorities.

On Sunday, the mutilated body of a man was discovered hanging from an overpass on a busy highway. Two days later, four decapitated bodies were found. That night, heavily-armed gunmen opened fire in a seafood restaurant, killing four people.

Bodies have been turning up all over the city, in parked cars, taco stands and on streets. At least eight people were killed Wednesday.

and Nuevo Laredo...

Several people were killed during a shooting in Nuevo Laredo.

Mexican military soldiers were chasing suspects on the street when they opened fire. A 27-year-old and two families sitting in a truck were killed. Two other people were also wounded.

The moral of the story seems pretty obvious to us: it's a lot safer to live near Mexico than to live near the United States. Maybe 2010 is the year we finally get serious about putting up that border wall.

Night at the Museum

We're hosting a delegation of visiting academics from Massachusetts this week, so it's a perfect chance to pretend we go to the local museums all the time! So off we went to the Museo Regional to see the "Querétaro in Mexican History" exhibit. Virtually all of Querétaro's history is, in fact, Mexican, so there was a lot to see. One of our favorite objects was this pipe belonging to Emperor Maximilian, presumably carved from the body of some endangered animal. Sitting astride the pipe is a small likeness of the Emperor himself (you can tell by his trademark beard parted in the middle) - there's something we just love about the image of Maximilian walking around Chapultepec smoking a pipe with a miniature (non-pipe-smoking) copy of himself sitting two inches from his face. Also, while we wouldn't absolutely swear to it, that certainly looks like a pug on his lap.

Meanwhile, we managed to accomplish one of our few remaining goals in life by getting to finally see the table on which the Treaty of Guadalupe was signed back in 1848. That's yr. humble corresp. in the photo below, putting the "man" back in "Manifest Destiny."



Down in the front right there's a little sign saying "Do Not Touch," which makes sense, since the last time a gringo touched that thing half of Mexico became property of Uncle Sam.

Where the Grass Is Green and the Girls Are Pretty

From Querétaro's nativity scene, we learn that one of the things that made the Garden of Eden paradise was that there was free wireless internet everywhere.


After they were banished from the Garden, they were forced to endure 14.4 dial-up for the remainder of their days.

Thus sayeth the Lord.

Spillover

Some year-end news from the Failed State of Arizona:

Seizures of money bound mostly for Mexico's violent drug cartels more than quadrupled this year on the Arizona border, and government officials are crediting beefed-up screening at checkpoints.

Inspectors intercepted $1.1 million heading into Mexico in fiscal 2008. This year, they netted $4.9 million.

...Until this year, U.S. inspections on the border primarily targeted incoming traffic from Mexico while ignoring vehicles headed south.

But federal authorities intensified outbound screening amid reports a year ago that weapons smuggled from the United States were providing most of the firepower in Mexico's drug wars. Authorities estimated that 90 percent of the guns used in police assassinations and cartel bloodshed originated in the United States.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano assigned an additional $400 million to border security, much of it for screening outbound traffic. That money went for more inspectors, X-ray machines and other gear.

Despite both the state's senators voting to freeze government spending in the middle of a massive recession, taxpayers shelled out hundreds of millions of dollars to help Arizona get control of its money-and-guns pipeline, and yet we still only netted less than $5 million. The nickname "The Grand Canyon State" is starting to sound appropriate, Arizona, though "The Great Black Hole of Suckitude" might be a little edgier.

...And the Bartender Says, "Hey, Buddy, We Don't Serve Sedum Morganianum Here!"

With the bounty places on our heads by Arturo Beltran Leyva presumably lifted now, we've returned to the Querétaro Bureau for a couple of weeks, and so of course the first thing we do is start writing about the US.

Readers in Baltimore may want to stop by the Baltimore Conservatory and Botanic Gardens to catch the annual Holiday Poinsettia show, which opened there a couple weeks ago "n National Poinsettia Day, established by an act of Congress to honor Joel Roberts Poinsett, the first U.S. ambassador to Mexico, who brought home cuttings from the colorful shrub to his greenhouse in South Carolina, where he began propagating it and giving plants to his friends." Sounds like whatever the opposite of "fun" is? Well see if this does anything for ya:

This year's show at the Conservatory has a Mexican theme, to celebrate the origins of the poinsettia, including a topiary burro, complete with a "Burro's Tail" sedum.

"That is a joke that is probably lost on most people," said Conservatory supervisor Kate Blom, smiling. "But when people who know plants see it, they crack up."

[crickets.]

We realize there's almost a week to go, but we feel comfortable awarding the Worst Burro-Themed Visual Pun of the Decade to the Baltimore Conservatory and Botanic Gardens. ¡Felicidades!

Birdland

Pees On Earth

Happy Holidays from the Chairman of the Board.

Glad Tidings

On both a square-mile and per-capita basis, the UK has got to be the silliest nation on earth, but we're willing to forgive that a little bit this holiday season now that one of its goofier traditions, the Christmas No. 1 single, which has in recent years been dominated by lame offerings from the UK version of "American Idol," was claimed this year - thanks to a grassroots internet campaign - by the EZLN's house band, Rage Against the Machine. And not for some new, hardcore version of "White Christmas," but for their 1992 single "Killing in the Name," the chorus of which has been the unofficial Burro Hall holiday anthem for at least a decade now.

If, like us, you won't be in the UK for Christmas this year, just play these two videos simultaneously [with the volume on the bottom one slightly higher], and you'll get the complete experience, minus the Christmas pudding.

Nice Place to Visit

Querétaro doesn't make into into the English-language press very much, at least judging by the Google Alert we set up a couple of years ago. It shows up more and more now that the local soccer team is in the big leagues: "[Insert team here] defeats Querétaro...", but for the most part it's stuff like:

U. S. Antimony of Thomson Falls, Mont., has expanded its interest in the "Los Juarez" antimony and silver deposit in Queretaro, Mexico, which are 1.8% antimony and 8.1 ounces of silver per ton. Eventually, ore from the mine will be processed at the "Los Arcos" mill and those concentrates will be smelted into metal in Coahuila.

So we were pretty surprised to see a Querétaro dateline on "8 bound, charred corpses found in Mexico." That sort of thing happens all the time in Mexico, but not in Querétaro. But sure enough, the burned out remains of a truck with eight bound, strangled, well-done corpses was found in a town called Paso de Mata - which we'd hoped meant "Killer's Pass," but it turns out mata means "shrub" - about 45 minutes from Burro Hall's corporate headquarters. We're ready to wager our Christmas bonuses that this is drug related, which means no effort will be made to actually solve the crime. An enormous effort, however, is being made to prove the crime really happened anywhere but Querétaro. "They Were Killed Elsewhere" screams the headline in today's Diario. The basis for this assertion of fact is that there are eight federal agents from Toluca listed as missing, last seen in Michoacan, and therefore these guys might be them, and...well, it's not clear to us how that means They Were Killed Elsewhere, but what do we know about police work? Case closed, thanks. Also, Governor Calzada would like to remind you that Querétaro is safe.

We can't find the link, but about a year ago there was a similar case where four dead federal cops were found in the trunk of a car here, and after it was determined that they were probably killed in Guanajuato, we never heard anything about it again.

Why gangsters and criminals are killing so many people in other states and then driving their dead bodies to Querétaro is sort of beyond us (the centro is, among other things, an absolute parking nightmare), but we think there's an opportunity here for the Tourism Board. Come for the corpse disposal, stay for the historic aqueduct.

Shooting Fish in a Barrel

Wow. This is big.

One of the most wanted figures in the drug war was killed in a shootout with the Mexican Navy on Wednesday, an official said. Arturo Beltrán Leyva and three members of his drug cartel died in the gunfight in an apartment complex in Cuernavaca, south of Mexico City. A fifth suspect committed suicide during the shootout, the official said. One sailor was wounded. The official spoke on the condition of anonymity because navy rules prohibited him from giving his name. He said that more than 200 sailors raided the apartment complex as part of a crackdown on the Beltrán Leyva Cartel in central Mexico. The raid set off a gunfight that lasted nearly two hours.

We think this one can be chalked up to the element of surprise: Cuernavaca is about 7500 feet above sea level and 200 miles from the nearest ocean; You really don't expect to be ambushed by the navy there.

[We got your dead drug lord porn here. You know you want it.]

Sick Puppies

Everybody loves a good holiday puppy story. Unless it's sad.

SAN DIEGO -- Fifteen puppies were discovered by customs officers after a smuggler tried to bring them into the U.S. at the Tecate Port of Entry.

The 2-month-old puppies, all described as mixed breed miniature poodles, were immediately taken to an emergency veterinary hospital by Animal Control officers with the County Department of Animal Services.

The majority of the puppies have been diagnosed with parvo and will be receiving intensive care provided by County Animal Services or an adoption partner.

The alleged smuggler, Raul Jimenez Gonzalez, came though customs declaring just a bottle of tequila, but agents noticed that the back seat of his car seemed to be squirming in a way uncommon to automobile seats, but roughly in synch with what 15 ill puppies would be doing.

Jimenez turns out to be a repeat offender, part of an underground network of Mexican Christmas-puppy smugglers of which we were hitherto unaware.

Jimenez admitted to the officers that he was taking the puppies to Los Angeles to sell as Christmas presents. Animal Services had previously rescued 27 puppies in 2006 and 11 in 2007 after smuggling attempts involving Jimenez.

"With the holidays approaching, there is a demand for puppies and this demand results in puppies being smuggled across the border into the U.S.," said Dawn Danielson, Director of Animal Services. "Unfortunately, most of these puppies are sick, so the unsuspecting buyer ends up spending a great deal of money trying to save the puppy's life, usually without success."

Gold help us all. Everyone.

Mother Mary Comes To Me

We spotted this vehicle parked post-Guadalupana on Broadway this morning. Handmade shrines-on-wheels like this are common in Mexico, though they seldom feature images of the pre-September-11 New York City skyline.


We probably could have found a few masses to attend, surrounding ourselves with people who believe in a divine image miraculously imprinted on a centuries-old piece of cloth, but frankly we've been doing far too much of that lately.

Viva Capitalismo!

We've been so busy lately, we haven't even had time to make up a funny excuse for why we haven't been posting. We're just really fucking busy, okay? Just because we're gringos doesn't mean we're made of money, pendejos. We're off slaving for The Man. Start your own fucking blog if you think it's so easy.

Sorry. Kinda stressed these days. Here's some good news on the drug war front:

Who'll Stop the Reign?

Hard to believe it's been a year already, but the reign of Her Highness Alejandra II, Christmas Queen of Querétaro, [at left, in green shirt] comes to an end this evening. Like most local officials, she has presumably spent her final days in office lining her pockets and cutting sweetheart deals for her relatives and financial backers. Diario de Querétaro caught up with Her Majesty as she reviewed some of the highlights of her tumultuous year in office.

"I am very happy, really happy with the work that was done this year along this year. Mainly because I was able to do many of the things I wanted, and which I couldn’t have done so well without the help of my parents, friends and all the people involved over that time.”

"I will remember this year with affection, with great appreciation, everything I learned, for the very special people I knew and I achieved.”

Short on specifics, but long on inspiration! At the end, the 18-year-old, born Alejandra Zárate, had these words of advice for her successor, 22-year-old Mónica Andrade Ortiz [at right, without hat]:

"Enjoy the most of every moment. At first it is all a bit complicated, but gets better every day. Just do not hesitate to attend each of the events they invite you to.”

Seize the invitation, people. That's the true meaning of Christmas.

[Note to the people of Querétaro, where the average December 25 temperature is about 75 degrees: That thing to the right of your new Christmas Queen is called a "snow-man," which is like an abstract sculpture of a human figure made from frozen water that falls from the sky. We don't know why they don't have legs.]

Talk About Exclusionary!

We remember watching some cable TV documentary about the heyday of Studio 54, in which some forgotten disco star of the 70s recalls how exclusive it was: “I went by there one night, and they wouldn’t let Cher in! I was like, damn…”

We thought of that today when one of the more vociferous of the immigrant-bashing groups announced today that it would no longer support Lou Dobbs because he’s not anti-immigrant enough.

Dobbs created shock waves last week when news broke about his pro-Amnesty comments on Telemundo that appear to be a departure from his prior support for existing immigration laws. ALIPAC circulated the video of the entire Lou Dobbs interview on Telemundo to over 30,000 national supporters.

"Our internal polling shows that over 70% of our supporters are upset with Mr. Dobbs's comments on Telemundo is [sic] support of legalizing illegal aliens. ALIPAC opposes any path to citizenship form of [sic] Amnesty for illegal aliens currently in the US," said Gheen. "Therefore we are dropping our support for Lou Dobbs and suspending the fan sites we have created."

We were like, damn…

Even the Draft Lou Dobbs for President site is showing him no love. Maybe he can get back his old job at Space.com.

Brothers and Sisters

Basketball has returned to Querétaro, and with it, our hopes for making Boston and Querétaro official sister cities!

The heartbreak that was Las Cometas has been chronicled here before. But then one day we wake up and discover Los Libertadores de Querétaro (not to be confused with lesbian icons the New York Liberty). With a 7-17 record, they're kind of the Washington Generals of Mexican basketball, but with a hell of a lot more flair. For instance, the team's athletic director lists himself on the team's roster as Arturo "EL NAZI" Sanchez, and the power forward's name is actually "Moron." The small forward’s middle name appears to be Welfare.

That last one, Number 21, [below] is one of just a couple of token gringos on the team, his full name being O'Lewis McCullough.



(Yes, this really is the official team photo of a professional basketball squad.)

What's this got to do with forging bonds between the BOS and the QRO? Well, for starters, readers in the New England area may recognize O'Lewis's half-brother.

Seems to us that, should the sister cities deal go through, anyone who has lived in both cities should be entitled to courtside season tickets to both teams. Also, five words: exhibition game at Arena Arteaga!

"¿Por qué soy Señor Rosa?"

Apparently, Quentin Tarantino is now scripting the drug war

Drug hitmen in suits kill key witness in Mexico

MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - Suspected hitmen wearing dark suits shot dead a protected state witness in a Starbucks cafe in Mexico City on Tuesday, days after another witness was found dead.

Two assassins shot former federal policeman Edgar Enrique Bayardo several times as he sat in the busy coffee shop, the capital's prosecutor's office said. Police said both assailants escaped.

Bayardo's bodyguard was seriously injured and a customer at an adjacent table was also hurt, Mexico City district prosecutor Jaime Slomianski said.

Photos showed Bayardo's body lying on the floor surrounded by paper coffee cups.

"It was fairly full when these men in suits came in. Everyone threw themselves on the floor in fear," an eyewitness told Reuters.

Stylin'!

Bad Santa

Once again, America can sleep easy knowing that immigrant grifters aren't pulling one over on Whitey!

Some toy drives check immigration status

In a year when more families than ever have asked for help, several programs providing Christmas gifts for needy children require at least one member of the household to be a U.S. citizen. Others ask for proof of income or rely on churches and schools to suggest recipients.

The Salvation Army and a charity affiliated with the Houston Fire Department are among those that consider immigration status, asking for birth certificates or Social Security cards for the children.

The point isn't to punish the children but to ensure that their parents are either citizens, legal immigrants or working to become legal residents, said Lorugene Young, whose Outreach Program Inc. is one of three groups that distribute toys collected by firefighters.

Of course that's not the point of the policy, it's merely the effect. But hey, poor kids probably don't want gifts at Christmastime anyway, right?