Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Holy Sheet!

Well that was one hell of a birthday party! First thing we did this morning was file suit against the veterinarian. We don't care what it says on the records, that's not how a properly neutered perro behaves.

Apparently, while we were out on the town, a project our Audio/Visual Division had a small role in aired on American "tele-vision." As we recall the premise, a team of deranged scientists use computer technology to extract the figure of Jesus from the Shroud of Turin, which then comes to life, goes berserk, and takes revenge on all his enemies. (Good thing Pilate washed his hands, considering how far up his own ass they wind up!)

One day, on the set (we were catering lunch for the crew), we overheard a conversation between the producer and the network executives. Having finally seen the complete, computer-rendered figure of Christ, the executives gathered in secret in a majestic corner office, much like the College of Cardinals, and emerged with but a single question, which we quote here verbatim:  

"Why is Jesus's penis missing?"

Needless to say, we immediately trademarked that phrase and began designing a line of t-shirts, baseball caps and coffee mugs, which should be available next month. But in the interest of filling in the gaps in the public record, we bring you here a Burro Hall Exclusive -- the image a certain American tele-vision network was too craven to show you:


Yeah, that's Jesus's nubby li'l Ken-doll penis. Where's your Messiah now?

The moral of the story is that the Shroud of Turin is serious business, nothing to be fucked around with by amateurs. (Also, it's known in Mexico as the bana Santa - the "holy sheet." If we have to explain to you why a Mexican saying "holy sheet" is hilarious, you're not watching enough Cheech & Chong.) But if you're looking for a good starter relic - a smaller, more manageable blood-stained burial cloth of the Lord, we recommend beginning with the Sudarium of Oviedo.

As luck would have it, Friends of Burro Hall David Richards and Leonard Foglia have just published La Sangre del Sudario, the second book in their bestselling Sudario Trilogy (the premise of which is that a team of deranged scientists use computer technology to extract the figure of Jesus from the Sudarium, which then comes to life, goes berserk, and takes revenge on all his enemies, we think...it's not out in English yet). A good deal of the novel is set here in Querétaro, so local readers would basically be fools not to purchase this thing in bulk (available now at Gandhi) and hand them out to friends and family. Read the first two books, plus the upcoming finale, El Sudario Contra La Sabana Santa, in which Shroud Jesus and Sudario Jesus fight the Battle of Armageddon in Corregidora Stadium, and you'll be ready to graduate to the Shroud of Turin, and gaze upon the penis of Jesus.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Good thing this post was so good, after taking that big snoziesta on Monday and Tuesday. A day without Burro Hall is like a day without a martini!

Burro Hall said...

Yeah, sorry about that. The conditions of my parole mandate that I stay at this halfway house, and it's really hard to get online here.

Mexfiles said...

Jesus' penis isn't the only thing missing. The holy foreskin hasn't been seen since 1983. Read all about it: http://www.slate.com/id/2155745/