Thursday, July 22, 2010

Our Secret Admirer(s)

A few weeks back hastily banged out a post in which we made the seemingly uncontroversial assertion that the spiraling violence in Ciudad Juarez is no reason to cancel a study program 1,200 miles away in Puebla. Within hours we had set a record for the greatest number of reader comments (not counting the one in 2007 where we heaped sarcastic praise on former congressman Charlie Stenholm for his tireless efforts on behalf of the Mexican horsemeat industry, which unleashed a torrent of bile that overheated our servers and threatened a massive power outage throughout the Bajia before the governor begged us to delete it; horse folks apparently lost their senses of humor after Mr. Ed went off the air). Most of the comments came from someone who was furious - furious! - that we aren't as frightened of Mexico as he is. We're not sure how he got here - we do rank pretty high when you Google "Mexico burro fucking" - but we kind of admired the self-righteous bravado he brought to his most demonstrably false assertions. He was a man determined not just to step on his own dick, but to stomp up and down on it. We have a sweet spot for clowns like that.

But then he turned ugly. He suggested that one female commenter perform oral sex on him, and warned another to "watch his back" when he comes to Mexico. The rantings of a probably harmless fool, yes, but like jokes in the airport security line or presidential death threats on Facebook, we have a policy of referring such comments to the proper authorities. Of course, this being Mexico, the authorities simply noted our complaint, held a press conference to declare our comments section safe, and went back to watching the World Cup. So we called up our usual private investigator, Hank Quinlan. His methods are unorthodox, but he's very affordable.

Turns out our boy spends most of his waking hours stumbling from blog to blog, leaving his stream-of-consciousness ravings under a variety of aliases. Indeed, he logs onto this site more often than our own IT Dept. Sometimes, his alter-identities get in discussions (or arguments) with each other, making it hard to tell where the ventriloquist ends and the dummy begins.

He even has a blog of his own! The dude may loathe Mexicans, but he really loathes Muslims. And our Latina Supreme Court justice, our black president, the NAACP and, most of all, anyone who would suggest that all his targets have certain pigmentation issues in common.

Jesus, what a crank, we thought. But our hearts melted when we noticed that his multiple online aliases are also his own blog's most frequent commenters. Suddenly, he seemed less of a Glenn Beck tea partier and more like our little niece throwing a tea party for her teddy bears, voicing the the entire conversation herself. Adorable!

Eventually we forgot about the guy, but yesterday a friend suggested we read "Clueless in Cholula," his latest man-crush love letter to someone who sounds vaguely like, well, us:

There is this jerk-off who blogs on Mexico, who moved from New Yawk City to the Mexican state of Puebla a few years ago, and who seems to hold the world's record for mendacity.

Sure, we can be kind of a jerk-off at times, but does anyone who reads at a third-grade level or higher want to see if they can spot the factual error there? Bear in mind, this guy reads Burro Hall four or five times a day.

Our friend is fearless in assaulting straw men (presumably because of the honey-brown color of their skin), and so he takes us to task for referring accurately to Puebla's drug-related murder rate when linking to an article on drug-related murders, and brands us a pack of mendacious liars for not mentioning non-drug-related murders when discussing drug-related murders.  Or people struck by lightning.

We immediately called the Legal Dept. up to our office and demanded they sue his (or their) ass(es) for libel. And they refused! "This is a silly blog on the intertubes, Sir - of course we lie. Probably 30% of what we publish is invented. The rest is embellishment." We fired their oily hides on the spot. Hank Quinlan says he knows a guy who knows some guys, so we're leaving the case in his shaky but capable hands.

He mumbles on a bit more about our inability to sell our house (though we don't own one) and gives a weird shout-out to albinos, those whitest of white men. We kind of stopped reading it so we could look up hotels in Cholula, where we'd love to visit someday. His other personalities have already left eight comments there, so he's clearly struck a nerve with his public. We're sure they'll all be commenting here in a few minutes. The Fire Commissioner has asked us to remind you that no more than 25 people are allowed inside the comment section at a time.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

Burro. Don't waste your time with this psycho. He has some kind of neurosis.

You should ignore him completely like you should with all psychos.

Burro Hall said...

I know. I'm procrastinating...

Anonymous said...

Oye, pinche vato pendejo, no te metas con el rey de burros! El burro acabara contigo, Foncho hediondo!

Gary Denness said...

I did read through a few of those comments. The guy has some fairly obvious issues.

Which ever path we take in life, the one thing we can all be sure of, is that there will be turds along the route from time to time.

Just step over them, and carry on along the road to your own personal happiness. They'll attract all the blowflies, parasites and fuckwits necessary to rot them away before too long.

Dave said...

Kudos for your adroit handling of this guy. Made for some entertaining reading at times. It's obvious he was outmatched. It does seem rather ignorant trying to take on someone in their own forum.

Dave said...

Just felt a bit stupid for commenting without noticing there was more to your post. Fortunately, I didn't make a fool of myself (more than usual) and don't have to retract anything.

I've enjoyed your blog for the last year or two at least, but don't recall that you had moved to Puebla (nor has anyone else that I've stumbled upon in the Mexian ex-pat community). Hmmm.

Cholula sadly is not the source of the salsa gracing most of our Mexican restaurants. Disappointment number two was realizing I was WAY too tall to explore the pyramid under the cathedral there. Perhaps a bit prescient to make life difficult for the Europeans arriving...oh, never mind, they just built on top of it anyway.

Burro Hall said...

Thanks, Dave - don't worry, the bar for making an ass of oneself in comments here is pretty high.

I don't live in Puebla. In fact, I've only ever visited it once, in December '05, where I spent, it must be said, the most disappointing New Year's Eve ever. I'm sure there's a big party there somewhere, but not in front of the cathedral, as I'd assumed. Thank God Oxxo was open.

Dave said...

Somehow OXXO would seem a bit wanting for New Years' Eve, but at least it was memorable. I could have at least put you in touch with some relatives there-at least half a step up from OXXO ;o)

I'd assumed Queretaro was home though our friend Tio Pendejo seemed to imply otherwise.

Anonymous said...

That Tio dude is definitely a Scientologist.

Anonymous said...

Like Dave, I read your post and didn't notice the adviso to read on..silly me. What a juicey follow up on that particular day's post. Thanks. I was a part of that and honestly it kind of stayed with me for a few days..like when you have been cleaning fish..more creative note,I love the logo.Think I saw him yesterday on the Lex..We leave for Oaxaca tomorrow.Driving down from Brooklyn..if we stop in Q.
would like to by you a drink..
Or perhaps you don't drink?
Victor

Burro Hall said...

Well, not first thing in the morning, but any other time I'm up definitely for a drink. Actually, first thing in the morning is okay, too. Anyway, I think I'll miss you, as I'll probably still be in NY by the time you reach the Bajio.

Watch your back, buey...

Anonymous said...

Que pena...
Victorretemb

Bob said...

I have read both yours and his sites and he could teach you a thing or two about writing and content. I would also like to point out that Mexico is almost in civil war and you folks have no clue that it is almost over for you there. Start planning now so you do not look like idiots when the $hit hits the fan soon.

Bob

Burro Hall said...

Hi Foncho -- Thanks for stopping by! Hey, I think Mr. Snugglebear needs more tea.

俊宏淑松 said...

只用微笑說話的人,才能擔當重任。................................................

Anonymous said...

Oh good; the Chinese embedded-porno-in-the-periods spammer followed Maddie over...

Found a youtube I thought might go well with your blog theme.

You're kinky like that; admit it.

Bob said...

Great , this has turned into a Odingo and far left sanctuary for the apologists on the left.
When all hell breaks out,you will have each other when they start robbing and killing the rich and unwanted gringos. The same folks cleaning your house and washing your car will be cutting your throat as soon as the cartels make it easy to get away with it.
Look up Colombia in the 80s and that is where Mexico is heading.
Enjoy the ride fools....

Bob said...

Is it true that you moved down from New Yawk because it was easier to get young underage boys down in Mexico and they were closing in on you up north.
Thats the rumor I heard and I could be wrong as it might be young girls.

Anonymous said...

I told you that Pueblo was an unsafe place, and you didn't believe me: http://www.eluniversal.com.mx/notas/697881.html

Burro Hall said...

Pueblo's one of the nicest parts of Colorado. How can you think it's unsafe?