Thursday, November 18, 2010

Prancing With the Stars

After their attempt to build a "virtual fence" without the aid of Mexican labor ended up dumping a billion dollars into the Grand Canyon of Fail the Failed State of Arizona has been forced to scrape the proverbial barrel in their quest to turn the state into an Aryan paradise. Yesterday, "America's Toughest [albeit least effective] Sheriff," Joe Arpaio, announced, apparently with a straight face, that henceforth the border would be secured by D-list movie stars. And with, like, mad gunz an' shit!

"America's toughest sheriff," Phoenix’s Joe Arpaio, is creating a new armed "Immigration Posse” to combat illegal immigration, and Hollywood actors Steven Seagal and Lou Ferrigno, along with Dick Tracy and Wyatt Earp, have signed up.

[Dick Tracy and Wyatt Earp are apparently just normal non-celebrity people whose main qualification is that they happen to have the same names as a cartoon character and dead lawman, respectively.]

We're not sure why The Incredible Hulk would need to carry a gun, but still, who better to defend our borders than a deaf 58-year-old former body builder? At 6'5" and 300 lbs., clad head-to-toe in green makeup, Ferrigno's job will to be to stand in one place with a torch in his upraised hand, tricking less-cosmopolitan wetbacks into thinking he's the Statue of Liberty. When the huddled masses come running to him, expecting to be handed a welfare check and a voter registration card - blammo! - two or three Baldwin brothers throw nets over them and haul them away.

But the big get here is obviously Steven Seagal, whose presence in the posse puts Arpaio's sycophants in the awkward position of seeking salvation from one of the stars of Machete, a movie whose cast they have basically been accusing of treason for the last six months.

It makes perfect sense, of course. Even more than The Incredible Hulk of Liberty, the Mexicans will flock to Seagal, deluging him questions about "What's Danny Trejo really like?" and "What's this shit about Jessica Alba using a body double?" Like flies to a Venus Flytrap... Blammo!

On the other hand, Seagal's role in Machete was Torrez, the ruthless drug lord who pulls manipulates the Senator (Robert DeNiro) and the border vigilante (Don Johnson) into supporting a border fence project designed to give him complete control over the movement of drugs into the US and who, in the end, finishes himself off, hari kari-style, at Machete's feet. Arpaio's acolytes, who have a great deal of trouble distinguishing between fiction and reality, will probably go into full freakout mode if they ever see the film, and behead Steven Seagal in the Arizona desert. Which would mean Jan Brewer was right all along.

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