Thursday, December 16, 2010

God Damn the Pusher Man

It's been a while since we spent time in an American school, but from what we remember they tend to attract harmless characters like drug dealers, angry gunmen, pedophiles and the like. But Mexican schoolkids are preyed on by a much more malign group of sociopaths: noisy-toy vendors.

We live across the street from the Ignacio Altamirano Institute for the Intensive and Repetitive Study of the Mexican National Anthem, and every afternoon have to endure the cacophony of 200 pre-teen children being picked up by their parents. It's basically become white noise to us, but today this guy shows up hawking some kind of unholy balloon-and-lung-powered combination kazoo-police-whistle-birdcaller thingamajig. We really don't know what the fuck it is, but it sounds exactly like you think it sounds, only much, much louder. He must have had 50 of these things, and he sold out of them in 15 minutes - meaning that what started out as one horrible noise-making adult had morphed into fifty horrible noise-making children in less than a quarter of an hour. We expect this racket to last the rest of the school year.

And where do little kids get money to buy toys? Why, from their parents, who swarmed around the guy and started stocking up for the holidays! We've theorized before that there's some congenital deformity to the Mexican inner-ear hammer/anvil/stirrup alignment that renders them incapable of hearing noises that would drive any other person insane, and this is just another data point backing us up.

We're offering a free Christmas shopping-spree at El Palacio de Hierro to the first reader who cuts off this guy's lips and delivers them to us.

[Previously in our Toys That Make Us Want to Commit Infanticide series.]


Dave said...

Well, you have my sympathy, but at the same time you had me laughing to the point of tears.

Let's hope they're crappily constructed things that self-destruct, say, at least before insanity kicks in.

Burro Hall said...

Yeah, that's our one consolation - that the chances of more than 5 percent of these things still functioning tomorrow morning is extremely remote. Still, it only takes one...

Steve Finnell said...

you are invited to follow my blog

Anonymous said...

They have really nice uniforms there, or is it a private school?

Burro Hall said...

Thank you, Steve, it is indeed a great honor. We have obviously have much in common.

Anon - I think it's public. All schools have uniforms here.