El Otro Rostro de Jesús

Now that we've brought about the single greatest revolution in Mexican perceptions of the Divine since Juan Diego brought his cloak to the cleaners, we'll be laying low in the US for a while - the better to avoid the inevitable pilgrims and other Jesus freaks. (Indeed, from our current offices on 72nd St. and Central Park West, we are constantly reminded of the damage that can be caused by an overzealous fan who's a little too devoted to certain literary characters.)

But this notice in the paper that there are 4.9 million child laborers in Mexico between the ages of 6 and 14 reminded us of an unintended consequence of this: that, at a rate of 10 pesos a day, an absence of three or four months takes about a hundred dollars out of the pocket of the perro's namesake street urchin (seen here charming the pants off a gaggle of female admirers; money isn't everything, you know).

So do us a favor, local readers, and pick up the slack for us? He doesn't give receipts because he can't (at age 7!) read or write, but if you save your gum wrappers we'll reimburse you.

Instant Karma's Gonna Get You

While everyone, ourselves included, is focusing on the Failed State of Arizona's anti-brown people campaign, Amnesty International weighs in with a timely reminder that, when it comes to kicking the shit out of Spanish-speaking immigrants, Mexico gives as good as she gets:

The Mexican authorities must act to halt the continuing abuse of migrants who are preyed on by criminal gangs while public officials turn a blind eye or even play an active part in kidnappings, rapes and murders, Amnesty International said in a new report released on Tuesday...



Kidnappings of migrants, mainly for ransom, reached new heights in 2009, with the National Human Rights Commission (CNDH) reporting that nearly 10,000 were abducted over six months and almost half of interviewed victims saying that public officials were involved in their kidnapping.

An estimated six out of 10 migrant women and girls experience sexual violence, allegedly prompting some people smugglers to demand that women receive contraceptive injections ahead of the journey, to avoid them falling pregnant as a result of rape.

The two situations aren't exactly analogous, of course, and a key difference to keep in mind between Arizonan and Mexican douchebaggery is that the former is actually written into the law, while the latter is the result of a pervasive culture of corruption.

Nevertheless, we would urge the Mexican government to keep something in mind: there are a lot of gringos on both sides of our shared border taking up your cause and appealing to our countrymen to be more welcoming and tolerant of the immigrants in their midst. To then extent that you could make an effort to stop kidnapping, raping and murdering the immigrants passing through your own country, that would be, y'know, kind of helpful. If you won't do it for the Hondurans, maybe you could do it for your own selfish reasons.

Scenes From the Diego Cuervo South

The Mexican State Department has finally done what we here at Burro Hall did over six months ago, and issued a travel advisory urging its citizens to avoid or, at the very least, exercise extreme caution, in visiting the Failed State of Arizona:

[A]t this moment the legal framework remains unchanged. However, as was clear during the legislative process, there is a negative political environment for migrant communities and for all Mexican visitors.

Under the new law, foreigners who do not carry the immigration documents issued to them when entering the United States may be arrested and sent to immigration detention centers. Carrying the available documentation, even before the law comes into force, will help avoid needless confrontations. As long no clear criteria are defined for when, where and who the authorities will inspect, it must be assumed that every Mexican citizen may be harassed and questioned without further cause at any time.

The new law will also make it illegal to hire or be hired from a motor vehicle stopped on a roadway or highway, regardless of the immigration status of those involved. While these rules are also not yet in force, extreme caution should be used.

Mexican nationals who are in the United States, regardless of their immigration status, have inalienable human rights and can resort to protection mechanisms under international law, U.S. federal law, and Arizona state law.

From what we can tell, they made that last part up.

A Burro Hall Joint

 And he questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, You said that once I decided to follow You, You'd walk with me all the way.

But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed You most you would leave me."

The Lord replied, "My precious child, during your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints...

"It was then that I rode upon the shoulders of the Burro."

This blog has many missions - the most important of which, as you surely already know, is to help our readers improve their relationship with Jesus Christ. To that end, our Audio Visual Division put together a little video that with the Lord's blessing went on to become a worldwide sensation. But because the film was written and broadcast in English, the language of our Lord, it hasn't enjoyed wide distribution south of the Rio Grande.

That's about to change.

By popular demand (and in this case, "popular demand" isn't just an abstraction: no, Dear Reader, we do not have a DVD you can borrow, so please stop coming by the house; this is why Bob Dylan moved out of Woodstock), and thanks to a marketing department that somehow figured out that a lot of Mexican countries are Catholic and stuff, History Channel en Español will present the Latin American premier of ¿El verdadero rostro de Jesús? (which, because of the way Spanish is written, contains not just one, but two Standards & Practices-imposed question marks in the title!) on Thursday, April 29, at 9pm.

So by 11pm Thursday (yeah, it's two hours - can you believe it?) we fully expect Burro Hall Enterprises, S.A., World Headquarters to become a destination for pilgrims from around the world.  We cannot emphasis this enough, people: we are not there, and will not be there until summertime.  But while you're in the neighborhood, we recommend you visit the new and improves Quinto Real over of Reforma, or treat yourself to a homemade curry at Bhaji, Independencia 72, between Pasteur and Rio de la Loza.  It's heavenly, and we should know.

Near-Death in the Afternoon

We hard a hard day today - though not nearly this hard.

Spanish matador Jose Tomas, one of the world's most famous and dramatic bullfighters, was severely gored by a half-ton bull in a Mexican arena and is in critical condition, doctors said Sunday.

Tomas is expected to survive after undergoing more than three hours of emergency surgery overnight following his injury Saturday afternoon.

"There has been slight improvement, but he's still in grave condition," Dr. Geronimo Aguayo said in a statement released by Tomas' hospital in the central Mexican city of Aguascalientes.

The bull, named Navegante, gored Tomas in the groin and lifted him in the air before a horrified crowd during a corrida at the Monumental bullring in Aguascalientes. The attack left a 6-inch-long gash in Tomas' left thigh, severing the artery. He lost a large amount of blood.

Tomas, 34, has survived more than a dozen similar attacks, the first, in 1994, at this very same venue. Tomas hails from a small town near Madrid in the heart of Spain's bull-rearing ranchland, but much of his early career evolved in Mexico.

To aficionados, Tomas is a mesmerizing figure in the bullring, an artful and daring master of the ritual that is part of Spain's national patrimony and popular in many parts of Latin America.

He almost singlehandedly revived the spectacle in Spain, where it had been declining in audience for years until Tomas came out of an early retirement in 2007. He thrills spectators by seemingly putting himself in repeated danger, challenging the beast with calm command and precise choreography.

As he lay bleeding profusely Saturday in the Aguascalientes stadium, a call went out on loudspeakers pleading for urgent blood donations. Scores of people rushed to donate.

Progamming Note

Tha Man's gonna be all up in our grill over the next few days, and it's probably in our best interests to look kind of busy. So posting here will be even more half-assed than usual. May we recommend a trip through the various links you see over there on the right?

They Grow Up So Fast

Happy 1st Birthday, Swine Flu!

An Open Letter to the Customer Service Department of the Primera Plus Bus Company

Estimados Damas y Caballeros,

A few days ago we had the privilege of riding in your company's first class bus from Querétaro to Benito Juarez Airport. We appreciate the way your company has been transitioning its in-coach entertainment from a loudspeaker-based system to a series of individual headphones, but we still wonder how carefully, if at all, Primera Plus screens the movies that are to be presented on its buses. Like most of your clientele, we are by no means prudish when it comes to graphic violence and sexually explicit content, but we seriously question the company's choice of Superman Returns as this month's featured presentation:



At the risk of offering unsolicited advice, we believe that one way to improve considerably your airport shuttle service would be to avoid screening movies that feature horrifyingly graphic depictions of burning airplanes plunging towards the fucking earth, particularly in light of your company's rigorously-enforced "no drugs or alcohol" policy. (And, in anticipation of your response, no, it does not fucking matter that Superman saves the plane from crashing into the baseball stadium at the last second. Fuck you.)

Sincerely,
Burro Hall Editorial Board

(PS: Seriously, fuck you.)

Picture This

A couple of weeks ago we were at one of the little second-hand shops down the road, and were surprised to see this set of four framed black and while photographs of Adolf Hitler in various poses - looking pensive, poring over maps, walking through Paris, etc.

(Okay, so it's not a great shot - they don't like picture-taking.)

The thing about these shops is that all of the junk in them is basically stuff that locals come in and get rid of. Which means someone in Querétaro had, until recently, four framed black and while photographs of Adolf Hitler in various poses - looking pensive, poring over maps, walking through Paris, etc. This certainly seems...odd to us. We don't know who it is, but since today is the Fuhrer's 121st birthday, we suggest keeping an eye out for fireworks, loud music, and other signs of celebration.

Baby We Were Born to Run!

On mornings when we're feeling virtuous, we've been known to stumble out the front door and log a leisurely four miles around the cobblestoned streets of Querétaro, sometimes running the whole way without seeing another person doing the same. So we're pretty stunned to see the results of today's Boston Marathon and see, in tenth place, with a time of 2:12:33, a queretano named Alejandro Suarez.

Just to review, the top ten finishers at Boston were six Africans, three Americans, and a guy from Querétaro (who we now consider a rival.)

This is so gonna help our sister cities bid.

Tuesday Update: We're not in Querétaro, so we don't have direct access to the newspapers, but based on our online searching, is it really possible that "Local Man Finishes 10th in Boston" is a Burro Hall exclusive?

Tramps Like Us

Today we honor not just the Boston Marathon, but our heroic Executive Editor who, 20 years ago, charged all the way to the finish line in a time that would be be considered impressive had he run it at his current middle age, rather than fresh out of college, and if, on the morning of the race, he had somehow transformed into a woman. An arthritic woman. But still, we're taking the occasion to recommend Born to Run: A Hidden Tribe, Superathletes, and the Greatest Race the World Has Never Seen, a thoroughly delightful book about, well, running, mostly, but also about the Tarahumara, an Iron Age Indian tribe living deep inside Mexico's Copper Canyon.

It's hard to call this a book about Mexico, because the Tarahumara are not exactly mainstream, but large chunks of it are set here, so we don't consider this off-topic. And Swampscott High School runners of a certain advanced age will enjoy the frequent cameos by former assistant cross-country coach Tony Post.

(Lazier readers - and if you read this blog with any regularity, you're probably pretty lazy - might prefer to peruse the magazine article on which the author based his book. Because winning is all about finding shortcuts.)

Reliable Sources

Calderon: Most Mexico drug war dead are criminals.

Alrighty, then.

They Might Be Giants

Querétaro's enormous, 25-foot tall governor. José "Pepe" Calzada (left) and three other mutants plant a magical tree, April 15, 2010.

Drugs Continue to Win Drug War

The government of Mexico recently came up with another sure-fire way to stop the drug trade here: forcing the population at large to register their cellphone with the government.  Cheap, pay-as-you-go cellphones are popular with criminal gangs and - according to an informal survey of the Burro Hall staff - law-abiding gringos who didn't want to go through the hassle of signing some contract with a real cellphone company.  So the idea is that everyone has to text their name and date of birth to a specific number provided by this government agency.  That way, the next time our cell is used in the commission of a crime, the police will know to be on the lookout for a 92-year-old man named Heywood Jablome.  Because, of course, there's no mechanism whatsoever to ensure that any of the information you send is accurate.  Failure to undertake this pointless exercise (which, for the record, we have not, because the text recipient's mailbox is always "full") could cause your cellphone to be cut off.

Not surprisingly, there's an announcement on the government's website reminding people that the "sample serial number" in the instructions is just a sample - we imagine this was prompted by a few million people registering the sample number.  Meanwhile, apparently two million people have registered themselves under the names Carlos Slim or Felipe Calderón.  No word yet on whether any of the "Chapo Guzman"s are actually involved in the narco trade.

Querétaro Va En Grande!

In case wee haven't mentioned it like 200 times already, the bicentennial is coming, and Querétaro is going all out...for better or worse. In the Worse Dept., some bright bulb decided that what Plaza de Armas really needed was a very large, low-quality television screen to play historical documentaries all day long at top volume through equally large low-quality speakers. Apparently, the volume has to be loud so it can be heard over the gasoline-powered generators powering the rig. This has pretty much managed to drive just about everyone out of what was, until a few days ago, one of the nicest gathering spots in the city. The only pedestrians left are the documentaries themselves. (Thank you, thank you very much.)

Just look at those crowds, soaking up all that historical knowledge.

La Lucha Sigue

We're a few days late noting the 91st anniversary of the murder of Emiliano Zapata, but since you probably didn't know about it either, we'll hold off on apologizing. It seemed to get more attention this year than last year's round-numbered anniversary, probably because it's the centennial of the Mexican revolution. Even President Calderón was moved to mark the occasion by calling on Mexicans to continue Zapata's fight - which is about as incongruous as, say, Mitt Romney asking Americans to "finish what Geronimo started." Anyway, we were prepared to just ignore the whole thing until The Mexfiles managed to dig up some silent film of Zapata's amazingly humble funeral:



Hats were worn, smoking was permitted.  Emiliano Zapata was 39 years old.

Bitch Set Us Up

Jesus, it's like we didn't just have a 7.2 magnitude earthquake or anything.

Michelle Obama's first solo foreign visit Haiti, not Mexico

First Lady Michelle Obama's Tuesday visit to earthquake devastated Haiti denied Mexico a coveted place in history: being the first official foreign destination of the first lady.

The White House and Mexican government officials used the "firstness" to underscore the close relationship between the two nations in briefing about the trip in the past weeks. But with the stop of Mrs. Obama and Second Lady Jill Biden gives Haiti, not Mexico the honor.

Cities of Brotherly Love

We'd like to express our perverse admiration for the government of Guanajuato's decision to post huge ads all around Querétaro urging people to come celebrate the bicentennial there instead of here.

We lived in Boston in 1976, but we don't recall Philadelphia placing bus stop ads coaxing people to abandon Massachusetts for the real cradle of liberty.

Santarama

Ever find yourself rocked from a sound sleep at 5AM by fireworks and church bells, and wonder, holy crap, what the fuck is all the noise about? Here's a link we found earlier today that may prove helpful: Catholic Online's Saint of the Day search engine! This morning, the bells were likely ringing for St. Marguerite d'Youville. Or maybe not. Saints appear to outnumber days about about eight to one, so it could also have been St. Gemma Galgan, St. Antipas, St. Barsanuphius, St. Domnio, St. Godebertha, St. Machai, St. Maedhog, or St. Philip of Gortyna.

Tomorrow, we'll be feasting St Julius. See you at sunrise.

I'ts the Stupid, Stupid.

A common refrain from gringos south of the border is that the US coverage of Mexico is generally wrong-headed - which it is, as we've said here many times. But we're also kind of fascinated here by Mexican coverage of the US, such as El Universal's front page report on the Tea Party movement yesterday. Just as American readers of the US press may think all of Mexico is a heavily-armed narco battlefield, Mexicans might come away from this piece with the sense that this lunatic fringe has been instrumental in driving one politician after another from public office. But anyway, our point here is the front page photo that accompanied the piece:

We like to imagine the editors chose this one on purpose, but we really tend to doubt it.

More Tea Party illiteracy here.

Behold, Your Unaborted Messiah!

A few weeks ago we were making the point that in all the iconography of the Virgin of Guadalupe, you never see her actually doing anything - or, more precisely, she's always striking the exact same doing-nothing pose. But that was before we wandered in to the Sanctuary of Life - a brand new anti-abortion-themed chapel carved into the side of Querétaro's magnificent, 400-year old Santa Clara church. And presiding over the altar, La Virgin herself, with her usually-empty hands cradling aloft the enormous, bouncing, unaborted baby Jesus (who eventually dies anyway, about halfway through the 101st trimester).

Abortion is of course 1000 percent illegal here, but because you never know when some 14-year-old girl might have a spontaneous miscarriage, it makes sense to maintain an around-the-clock prayer vigil, just in case.

Strange Fruit

We know the cartels only do this sort of stuff so that people will publish the photos and essentially act as the conduit for their sleazy attempts to terrorize the Mexican public.  But since the cartels also seem to be winning, we figure it's wise to get with the program. After the treaty of surrender is signed, the new regime is going to want to know who was on their side. (We love drugs! Really!) So here's the scene from yesterday in Cuernavaca, a truly lovely town about an hour outside of Mexico City:

Apparently, whoever hanged these dudes from the overpass of a major highway also riddled them with bullets before fleeing, which we would suggest (respectfully - very respectfully) is just really unnecessary.

Drugs Win Drug War!

Sadly, there probably won't be a signing ceremony on the deck of a battleship. Still, it's good to know the war is over.

AP Exclusive: Sinaloa cartel takes Ciudad Juarez

CIUDAD JUAREZ, Mexico -- After a two-year battle that has killed more than 5,000 people, Mexico's most powerful kingpin now controls the coveted trafficking routes through Ciudad Juarez. That conclusion by U.S. intelligence adds to evidence that Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman's Sinaloa cartel is winning Mexico's drug war.

The assessment was made based on information from confidential informants with direct ties to Mexican drug gangs and other intelligence, said a U.S. federal agent who sometimes works undercover, insisting on anonymity because of his role in ongoing drug investigations.

The agent told The Associated Press those sources have led U.S. authorities to believe that the Sinaloa cartel has edged out the rival Juarez gang for control over trafficking routes through Ciudad Juarez, ground zero in the drug war.

And the 2010 Award for Best Visual Metaphor for the Diocese of Querétaro Created, Ironically, By the Diocese of Querétaro Goes To:

And it case you're wondering why the church keeps a wheel-mounted, welded steel cross with a triple-megaphone attachment, it's brought out every year for (...wait for it...) the Procession of Silence.

The rotating orange light, we can't explain. Most likely, the Archbishop declared the early prototype "not obnoxious enough."

Miss Understood

One of our favorite porn stars, Pamela Anderson, is something of an outspoken critic of the corrida de toros (as well as cockfighting, meat-eating and, presumably, animal testing by pharmaceutical companies - Pam's following in the footsteps of her role model, Brigitte Bardot). But these days, protesting against bullfighting seems to always involve nudity - which creates a bit of a quandary: if, like Pam Anderson, you're pretty much naked in public all the time, how do you make your feelings about the corrida known?

Why, by squeezing yourself into a skintight outfit and dancing a paso doble (a dance traditionally associated with bullfighting, though generally not when danced to the tune of "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood") on Dancing With the Stars!



The judges awarded the fully-clothed Anderson seven points out of ten - or, as it used to be called when we were in school, a C-minus. For us, though, the best moment of the whole thing comes about :50 seconds in. At first, we thought Pamela Anderson from the year 2050 had come back in time to kill her younger self before she could make a fool of herself on Dancing With the Stars. That made no sense, of course. Then we realized, OMFG, it's Charo!

"Charo's a big anti-bullfighter, too," Pam explains, as if that's the only thing they have in common. Maybe Brigitte isn't who she's been emulating, after all.

We Is Risen

Well, it's Easter, and once again we find ourselves trying to explain to the local churches that the nonstop clanging of the bells is really unnecessary - Jesus rises all by himself! He doesn't need any help.

Anyway, we rose a little bit, too, this morning when we cracked open Noticias and found ourselves staring our 3D Messiah in the face:

We'd love to cherish this feeling all day long but, unfortunately, because Mexicans don't really care about Jesus, they've chosen today as the day we turn the clocks ahead. So the holiest day in the Christian calendar is only 23 hours long - literally the shortest day of the year.

(Hey, speaking of 3D Jesuses - is it us, or is this figure from the altar up the street sporting a seriously impressive set of man-boobs?)

Apocalypse Right Now

You laughed when we said the world would end on April 3. Maybe you people should laugh less and read more, then you'd understand the Mayan prophecy-Captain Fantastic-Jesus Christ-Burro Hall Circle of Doom.

Coincidence? Perhaps...

Worst. Shroud. Ever.

It was probably in poor taste to heckle a young woman in the middle of a religious procession, but we simply couldn't help ourselves. This was the worst fake Shroud of Turin we've ever seen, and we've seen quite a few fake Shrouds of Turin in recent months.

Suck-ola! Anyway, Good Friday, which is a genuine for-real holiday here, was a mixed bag of mediocrity this year. Having covered the Passion Play in conveniently-located La Cañada last year, we were hard-pressed to decide where to deploy our limited reporting resources this year. The first-ever Otomí-language presentation in Toliman seemed intriguing, but it's something of a drive, we didn't know where exactly it was being held, and our Otomí translator was let go during staff cutbacks in November. Eventually we decided on the one in Santa Maria Magdalena, because we found the backstory kind of heartwarming: basically, it's a really shitty neighborhood in Querétaro that puts on the pageant every year in the hope of getting the barrio's name in the paper for something other than alcohol-fueled domestic violence.

Suffice it to say, SMM should stick to wife-beating. Though not without its rustic charm, the Via Crucis SMM had two major strikes against it. The first was that, for reasons our correspondent was unable to decipher, Jesus was played by a lifesize statue of Jesus, rather than the more traditional live hman actor.

The much bigger problem was that the whole spectacle was narrated by the parish priest - the Archdiocese of Querétaro's official spokesman Fr. José "Joey Flowers" Morales Flores. We can totally see how he got the spokesman job. God may have "so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son," but that love is nothing compared to Fr. Morales's love of his own voice. What an unpluggable gasbag. He was just so absolutely certain that the way to improve on The Greatest Story Ever Told would be for him to pontificate at great length (and great volume) about The Meaning Of It All. After about an hour and a half, our correspondent handed in his press badge and left. Sadly, this means we can't tell you how the crucifixion of a statue of Jesus actually worked. (Nor were the local papers any help: all three failed to cover the festivities. Sorry, SMM.)

The Procession of Silence was a big hit, of course (except for the shitty Shroud). It's so rare to get three hours of silence anywhere in Mexico. (Yeah, we make a variation on that joke every year, but you laugh because you know it's true.)

TGIGF

                    Good Friday.                                                  Great Friday!

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues

The Mayan Curse strikes again:

Three workers were injured when part of the stage for a concert by Sir Elton John at the Chichen Itza ruins in Mexico collapsed during construction.

The British singer was not present at the time of the accident on Wednesday night, which left two men with slight injuries and a third with a broken leg.

Authorities said the Mayan ruins had not been damaged and that Saturday's concert would go ahead as scheduled.

The phrase "the ruins had not been damaged" is funny on a number of levels, but we know what they meant.

I'd Hit That

Great photo today in a.m. of Rogelio Cristobal Salinas, who for the second year in a row is playing Jesus in the Passion Play in La Cañada (despite - trust us on this - bearing no resemblance whatsoever to the real Jesus Christ).

Either the centurions' uniforms didn't arrive in time for dress rehearsal, or Christ is being scourged by Serbian gangsters this year.  Either way, it seems like no one's heart is really in it.

Nice Beavers

Querétaro is stocking up for the big Holy Week finale - Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Nothing Saturday, Easter Sunday - the fiesta never stops here in Jesusland. This morning, the Templo San Francisco was receiving an enormous shipment of beavers! We have no idea what these are used for - frankly, we don't want to know - but it gives you an idea just how crazy things get this time of year.