Where Absolutely No One Knows Your Name

Driving down Constituyentes the other night, we noticed attached to the Hotel Casablanca a brand new bar with a name that seemed both completely natural and wildly out of context:

We've learned over the years that most queretanos couldn't locate our hometown on a map, if they've even heard of it at all, so an entire Boston-themed bar in the middle of Querétaro (a city which, to be fair, most Bostonians have never heard of, either) seemed...well, auspicious, at least. We slid across four lanes of traffic and parked halfway on the sidewalk, and ran inside. Suffice it to say, "Boston-themed" is overstating it somewhat.

The walls did feature backlit photos of Beantown - the Charles River, Back Bay, the Hancock tower, etc. But the beer choices are Cornona or Victoria, no Sam Adams; the menu is all pizza, no clam chowder; and there's not a Red Sox pennant to be seen. (On the other hand, there's no meathead assholes from Southie there, either, so it's a trade-off.) The faux wood paneling, faux leather seats, neon lights and loud music make the place feel like an upscale strip club without strippers. The bar is owned by a guy named Cevallos, who lived for years in Boston, and whose family owns the hotel and apparently most of the buildings in a two block radius. (Related to this Cevallos, perhaps? We didn't ask.)

Anyway, despite its mediocrity, we'd like this place to stay open, if only to help our Sister Cities bid, so if you're in town, check it out on Constituyentes and Ignacio Perez. You'll be able to spot it by the life-size statue of a half-naked female pirate with 44FF breasts - which is just, like, wicked Bostonian.

You've Come a Long Way, Toots.

Not being sports fans, we never paid much attention to Inés Sainz until she suddenly became unavoidable, so we hadn't noticed that, in addition to being a tv sports announcer, she's parlayed her notoriety into regular column in El Universal - which, being a serious newspaper that takes sports seriously, teases her column with what appears to be an outtake from a Maxim cover shoot:

Of course it's hard to criticize this picture, since she's at least wearing clothes, unlike in her official columnist headshot.

Got Two Tens for a Five?

We sent the office boy down to the pharmacy this afternoon to pick up some antibiotics, of which we needed 28. The pharmacist [Note: probably not actually a "pharmacist"] looked it up in the computer.

"Yes, we have it. Fourteen tablets for 430 pesos, or 28 tablets for 960 pesos."

"So, the box with 28 costs more than double what the box of 14 costs?"

"Um...yes."

"I'll take two boxes of 14, please."

"Yes, Sir."

"And, look, I don't have a lot of space in my pockets, so can you take all the tablets and put them in one box for me?"

"Of course, Sir." [Consolidates boxes.] "Twenty-eight tablets in one box...that comes to 860 pesos."

And that, dear reader, is how we manage to bring this blog in under budget year after year. Our pledge to you: every one of those 100 pesos we saved will go right back into making this the best English-language blog in all of Central Querétaro.

A Heartfelt Salute

BGen, US Army (Ret.) William P. Koughan, 15 June 1916 - 26 Sept. 2010

As far as we're aware, the General never made it to Mexico...though he did send this envoy in his place.

Which isn't to say he didn't spend a lot of time overseas, back in the day.

Farewell, Sir....

Sábado Gigante

* Mexico's assistant secretary of health denies Mexico is the fattest nation on earth: "If we compare ourselves with smaller countries we're in first place, since next to them our numbers are greater, but percentage-wise, we're at a lower level." Which is total bullshit, but sounds good.

* On the other hand, a look at the actual OECD Report seems to pretty clearly state that Americans are fatter than Mexicans. This ain't over, bitches.

* Via Gancho, a fabulous story of American justice:

A man convicted of trafficking cocaine will be resentenced after a federal judge made a slew of inflammatory comments about his Mexican heritage, including tangential references to Iranian terrorists, Hugo Chavez and Adolf Hitler's dog

Noting Figueroa's Mexican descent, [US District Judge Rudolph] Randa had made a number of comments about Mexico's contribution to drug and immigration issues in the United States, angrily referring to Figueroa and his family as "you people" several times.

* Why is this little guy sweating so much?

* “Philosophers have often looked for the defining feature of humans — language, rationality, culture and so on. I’d stick with this: Man is the only animal that likes Tabasco sauce.”

* Some of Jan Brewer's best friends are brown people. It's just that they can go fuck themselves, that's all.

* In the category of People Not Thinking Things All the Way Through, we can add Mexican Nazis.

* More Mexican corruption - now spilling over into America.

* Which is not to say that Mexico hasn't learned anything from the US. Extrajudicial lynchings, for instance.

* Presenting Querétaro's press corps. We're surprised there's more than three of them, frankly.

* LIFE Magazine archives online!

* We got ladder-makers in our family tree, and can assure you this is not sanctioned behavior.

* Colbert gets truthy on immigration.

America Is a Big Fat Loser

Read it and weep, America: "Mexico, First Place in Obesity." Think about it, people...Americans are too fucking lazy to gain weight at the same rate as their hard-working southern neighbors. And now - thanks in large part to the anti-American policies of our Kenyan president and his consort - we see the humiliating result, as Mexico takes, well, whatever the morbidly obese person's equivalent of a victory lap is. Thirty percent of the adult population of Mexico is obese, compared to Uncle Sam's anorexic showing of 28%. That America still leads the world in butterball children and fat chicks is little consolation - the difference between the Olympics and the Special Olympics.

We tried to warn you, America. Sweet, blubbering baby Jesus, we tried.

Great Moments In Unintentional Commentary On The Current State Of Mexican Politcal Leadership

Have you seen me?

From America's Second-Finest News Source

Mexico Killed in Drug Deal

MEXICO CITY—In the latest incident of drug-related violence to hit the country, all 111 million citizens of Mexico were killed Monday during a shoot-out between rival drug cartels.

At press time, U.S. drug dealers said they were not sure how or when the vast supplies of marijuana left behind by the Mexican cartels would reach their intended consumers, but they wished to assure the American public that they are doing all they can

[We can think of several people who may not recognize this as satire.]

A Post About the Unfortunate and Sadly Unpreventable Sexism that Exists in Mexican Sports, Which Just Happens to Be Illustrated With a Photo of Inés Sainz in Really Tight Jeans

The sports editor recently sent us a heated memo demanding to know why we're covering up the Inés Sainz story. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. Sainz is from Querétaro, and we've been dying for an excuse to run the photo of her, at left, working the field our local stadium. We have to admit, we always thought she was some kind of cheerleader or promo girl, and really had no idea she was a sportscaster. Anyway, the Mexican press has been up in arms about the indignities she's suffered for the mere crime of Working While Hot. In fact, our local Plaza de Armas newspaper ran a story a few days ago titled, "In the 21st Century, Women Continue Being Discriminated Against in Sports." The outraged subhed points out that Mexican female athletes "still suffer because of macho and discriminatory attitudes."

Of course, this ran just a couple pages away from the sports section's daily "Chica del Día" photo spread - this one featuring Brazilian model Ana Beatriz Barros, whose sporting talents, if she indeed has any, go unmentioned in the caption.

September 19, 1985, 7:19 A.M.

The massive Mexico City Earthquake happened 25 years ago today, and since we were obviously not here for it, we don't have that much to say. If you've never heard about the quake, this documentary by the Pan American Health Organization is pretty good.



Some the best parts of Opening Mexico (by a couple of journalists from the hometown paper) deal with the transformative effect the quake had on democracy and civil society here. The deaths of thousands of people are undeniably tragic, but Mexico has fought wars at greater cost with fewer results than grew out of the quake's rubble.

Of course, the standard for "fucking horrific seismic destruction" has been raised considerably this year, and on that subject a group of Mexican journalists have written a book, Haiti: Isla Panico about their experiences covering that earthquake last winter. Of course, we know Haiti well enough not to delude ourselves into thinking it might rise from the ashes the way Mexico did, but still...it's comforting to think that it could, isn't it?

Brooks Was Here

In honor of Yom Kippur, we bring you the saddest tale of atonement and forgiveness we've ever heard.

Every year on Independence Day, the governor of Querétaro pardons a handful of prisoners in honor of Fr. Hidalgo's similar act of liberation so the prisoners could fight for Mexico. Among the 23 inmates released this year was 63-year-old Francisca Santiago Casimira, an Otomí woman who spent seven years in jail after beating her abusive husband to death with a rock.  Generally, these indulto ceremonies are happy occasions, but not for Sra Santiago.

Every time a reporter asked her a question, she would repeat that she was alone and didn't know what she was going to do now that she was free.

During her time in prison, nobody visited here: not her two brothers nor her three half-sisters.  Today was no exception.

Again and again she said that she would prefer not to leave, but rather to stay inside, in the San José El Alto women's prison.

So there.  Wasn't that uplifting?

[Note: Photo via inqro.com, which does not identify the subject, but we're pretty sure that's her.]

Sábado Gigante

* The editorial board decided to change the name of our lazy weekend link roundup after the interns insited that, rather than being hasty, it actually takes more time to assemble than a regular post. Also, regarding regular posts: our complaint box has been overflowing recently - not with the usual whining about the quality of the posts, but rather about the quantity, or lack thereof. We would remind everyone that dissatisfied readers may apply for a refund in person at our Guadalajara offices every weekday between noon and 2:30. And of course we promise to work the interns even harder in the future.

* Drug use in the US is up 8.7%, to its highest levels in a decade. Drug-related killings in Mexico reached 8,000 for the year today. It would be uncharitable to connect those two statistics, of course. It's never America's fault.

* Jimi Hendrix choked on his own vomit 40 years ago today. Despite the ridiculous tragicomic manner of his death, he was not at all Mexican.

* The southern state of Chiapas is building a wall along the border to help keep out undocumented immigrants passing through Mexico to the US. Mexicans: doing the jobs Americans won't.

* One of the major attractions of the Mexico City bicentennial festivities was an enormous sculpture called "The Colossus." We didn't even realize the Neverland estate auction had taken place.

* Corona is named the 85th-best brand in the world, despite not even being the 85th-best beer in Mexico.

* Speaking of beer in Mexico...

* Mexico's head of Immigration resigns in disgrace - though, sadly, not because of her agency's ineptitude in renewing gringos' residency visas.

* An attempt to strip some of the legend and romance out of the Hidalgo story.

* And, in bad Google Translation, the state of Querétaro is distributing a free booklet about the Corregidora, whose claim to fame is exactly one thing, and yet it manages to get that one thing wrong. They've also hung banners around town with biographic information on various Independence movement figures, such as Leona Vicario, whose date of birth is listed as 1717, which is off by a mere 62 years. Viva!

* Thirty years ago, the Failed State of Arizona decided to experiment with the metric system. Not surprisingly, being Arizona, it failed.

* One week to go until Miss Mexico 2010. This year, they appear to have added a karaoke phase to the competition.

* 100 Years of Mexican Beauties [pdf].

* If you had to image the anti-immigrant crowd's worst nightmare, it would probably be Robot Mexicans!

* On the other hand, we all know how astounded Mexicans are by machinery:

Bicentennial Countdown Clock Count-Up: Day 001

As we speculated nearly two years ago, the Bicentennial has come and gone, the confetti and the streamers have all been swept up, and the massive, ugly Soviet-style Countdown Clock is still cemented firmly in place.

Our guess is that it will either be re-christened as a monument to the Bicentennial itself, or it will be re-set as a countdown to the Tricentennial, which is only 36,524 days away.

Independence Fever: Good and Bad Promotions

Good:

Panties and lingerie in the red, green and white of the Mexican flag, 50% off.

Bad:

To commemorate the bicentennial of Mexico's Independence, visit our exhibition of antique radios. Um....how 'bout not? Not only did antique radios play any role in the struggle for independence, but here's the exhibit in its entirety.

How Not To Look Like A Bad-Ass Killer

Lesson 1: Position yourself correctly.

"Why's everybody giggling at us?"

Big Audio Dynamite

We guess we have to be the ones to say it: this year's Marie Koughan Day festivities in Querétaro were remarkably half-assed. A bit of music, a few minutes of fireworks...and then it was more or less bedtime. Perhaps if the city had wasted less money on dancing fountains and lighting up the aqueduct like Caesars Palace, it could have done something a little more...spectacular. The extravaganza in Mexico City, however, more than lived up to its advance billing. So pop this one out to full screen and enjoy the MK Day tribute:

It Might Get Loud

Fourth of July fireworks for tonight, being handled in a way perfectly consistent with OSHA regulations.

And because when it comes to public security, the city of Querétaro will spare no expense to look like they're doing something about nonexistent risks, there will be exactly 1,028 local police officers and 500 state police officers (all armed with machine guns) patrolling the streets of the Centro tonight, with 11 security checkpoints, 221 surveillance cameras, two mobile command centers and, as we can see out the window of our corner office right now, at least one police helicopter. This is in addition to the countless Mexican army troops, whose deployment details have not been made public. Basically, if you're planning to rob and murder someone anywhere other than in the Centro, tonight's the night to do it. The midnight fireworks should cover the noise of your victim's screams. Viva!

Independence Fever: Show Us Your Bricks!

Nothing says "building a new nation" like 10-50% off all bricks in stock. Hurry - the bicentennial ends tomorrow!

In a related note, Mexico being Mexico:

The National Catalog of Bicentennial Projects lists 71 planned projects, including the construction of parks, plazas, boulevards, bridges and hospitals, which will not be completed in time for the bicentennial, and perhaps not even by the end of the year, primarily due to budget problems.

Viva!

Independence Fever: Show Us Your Tits!

All patriotic art tends to fall back on tired cliches, and Mexican patriotic art is no exception - indeed, it might be worse: much of it feels like bad bullfight art and bad 9/11 art got together and spawned. There's no shortage of bad art on display here in the cradle of Independence this month, including a show last week at the Galeria Municipal. We hardly knew where to begin, but this, we thought, was the best of the worst:

Our art critic is on sabbatical this semester, but as we read this, the heroes of Independence and the Revolution gave their lives so that an incredibly muscular, well-toned nun (Sor Juana, perhaps?) could break the chains of oppression and get herself a serious pair of C-cup implants. And for that, we have a five-day weekend now.

Update: Burro Hall Temporary Art Critic "acd" writes in to inform us that this painting is both bad and unoriginal, being a copy of "The New Democracy," by the Mexican muralist David Siquieros.

Independence Fever: Sexy Beast

Querétaro's heroine of Independence, La Corregidora, Josefa Ortiz "Stop Snitchin'" de Domínguez, as she appeared in real life:

How she appears in an animated movie coming soon to theaters:

And in a fashion spread in yesterday's El Universal:

Caliente!

Osama bin Ladin's Victory Cafe

This cafe recently opened on Calle Venustiano Carranza in Querétaro, a distance of roughly 60,000 city blocks from Ground Zero - but less than 100 yards from some former New Yorkers who were in Manhattan on September 11, 2001.

The cafe doesn't serve middle eastern food, but that's no excuse for the gross insensitivity of building this monstrosity on sacred ground. We'll be organizing a hate-filled, angry protest just as soon as we have a good, self-pitying cry. Join us, won't you? Or the terrorists win.

Bicentennial Fever: Still Plenty of Time to Catch It

We suppose it says something about this town that they're filming a big-budget production about the War of Independence just a few blocks from here, and the only apparent set-dressing that needed to be done was to move all the cars out of camera range.



It probably also says something about the efficiency and punctuality of Mexicans that they're beginning to film a big-budget production about the War of Independence just six days before the bicentennial.

Worse Than Hitler

Seriously...Hitler loved dogs.

I'm a two-year-old pug named PUMBA. Last Friday, Sept 3, I was stolen from my house. If you see me, please help me get home to Marqués de Amarillas #105, Lomas del Marqués; 442-346-2320, 442-113-1257, 212-8924

Our nonprofit division, Burro Hall Cares, is offering a reward of 500 pesos for the safe return on Pumba, and 50,000 US dollars to whomever delivers the Pug Bandit - hogtied, but alive - to our offices. No questions asked.

Excited for the Bicentennial?

Or are you just happy to reading this blog?

Bicentennial souvenir purchased by a visiting uncle in the Centro.

FSoAZ's Second-Craziest Sheriff Agrees With Burro Hall

One of the characteristics of a failed state is that the government does not have total sovereignty over its territory. It should comes as no surprise that, according to one of its most prominent lawmen, the Failed State of Arizona is, by this criteria, indeed a failed state:

Pinal County Sheriff Paul Babeu, whose county lies at the center of major drug and alien smuggling routes to Phoenix and cities east and west, attests to the violence. He said his deputies are outmanned and outgunned by drug traffickers in the rough-hewn desert stretches of his own county.

"Mexican drug cartels literally do control parts of Arizona," he said. "They literally have scouts on the high points in the mountains and in the hills and they literally control movement. They have radios, they have optics, they have night-vision goggles as good as anything law enforcement has.

"This is going on here in Arizona," he said. "This is 70 to 80 miles from the border - 30 miles from the fifth-largest city in the United States."

God, you can just smell the failure from here, can't you? Of course, Santa Cruz County Sheriff Tony Estrada (who's county, unlike Babeu's, is actually on the border) says Babeu is full of shit, but then that's exactly what we'd expect a Reconquistador named "Estrada" to say, isn't it?

How much longer will President Calderón allow this failed state to sit on our border? Complete the danged fence.

Jaunty Python

A little girl from a highly dysfunctional local family (which is a polite way of saying Daddy murdered Mommy) had been put in the custody of her paternal grandparents, who suddenly vanished with her a few days ago. The maternal grandparents are trying to find her, and have given this photograph to the police, the press and the public, in hopes that someone might find the five-year-old and return her home to their safe, loving care.

Sábado Gigante

* Earlier this week, a bus crashed into a trailer on the highway near Querétaro. Fortunately, the State Police arrived quickly...and proceeded to rob the traumatized passengers. So it was heartening to see today that "The United States will withhold about $26 million promised for Mexico’s drug war because of concerns that the country has not done enough to protect its people from police and military abuse." Fuck tha Police.

* The hometown paper gives Machete a rave:

Although laughter is the appropriate response to this pulpy, lighthearted gorefest, its pro-Mexican, anti-American stance is so gleefully inflammatory that some incensed nativists may refuse to get the joke.

Cue Fox News's incensed nativists...

* If, like us, you think Rick Bayless is a bit of a tool, his pissing match with America's only Pulitzer Prize-winning food critic will do nothing to change your opinion.

* Once again, we call on Obama to finish the danged fence so foreign criminals will stop ruining our country with their murderous drug smuggling.

* Gov Brewer doesn't want you to boycott her failed state, but definitely wants you to know that if you come and try to spend money there, your head will be chopped off. So it's your call, really.

* It's a shame she won't let immigrants into her failed state, because they boost wages overall, but only among workers proficient in English... so we can understand why she feels threatened.

* Speaking of freaking out the right wing: My Big Fat Gay Mexican Honeymoon.

* Not that women make them any more comfortable, of course.

* Congratulations to Burro Hall Editor Emeritus Jim Margolis seen here picking up his eighth Emmy for Outstanding Costume Design last weekend.

* How to season a molcajete. So now you know.

* Forget it, Jake.

* Mexico needs to get over its flag fetish in a hurry.

* La Corregidora's contribution to Mexican History, shown more or less in real time (:31 sec).

* Why is this man laughing?

* They shot him before we could make him an offer, but we've decided to adopt the guy's editorial suggestions as our new Mission Statement. Fuck you, babies.

* And then we'll redesign our conference room.

* Via Malcolm Beith, another side of Juárez.

* And via La Plaza, another side of El Paso.

* Please don't feed the burros.

To The Bitter End

Our editorial board has long maintained that Mexico can in fact be a dangerous place, but that the dangers a bit more quotidian than the ones you might read about in the newspapers. The execution-style slaying of 72 Central American migrants en route to El Norte may make for flashy headlines, but the nation's highways, packed bumper-to-bumper with cars driven by Mexicans, is where the real danger lurks. Our tree-hugging credentials are second to no one's, yet we often wish that our huge, gas-guzzling SUV was a good deal heavier and less fuel-efficient.

Case in point: Yesterday, in Mexico City, a trailer truck carrying the bodies of 56 of those 72 massacred migrants smashed into two cars, pinning a minor in between the vehicles and seriously injuring her. As the dead bodies in the truck are one of the biggest stories in Mexico right now, it's a little like getting run over by Justin Beiber.

The Failed Statement of Arizona

Governor Brewski lists her accomplishments:



In fairness, running that shithole into the ground doesn't require a whole lot of brains.