Friday, January 14, 2011

The Reconquista Colonies: Missouri

Don’t think the Reconquista is real? Well, we’ve got news for you! While America sat on its fat, jiggly ass playing first-person shooter video games, at least eleven towns named “Mexico” have quietly taken root across the country. Sorry. We’ll wait while you finish your Twinkie. Done? We said, eleven entire towns named Mexico, legally incorporated within our sacred borders. How’s that fit in with your Reconquista nightmares, Lou Dobbs?

This is the first of our eleven-part series laying bare the Reconquista Colonies the lamestream media doesn’t want you to know about. We begin with the tierra del corazón of America’s Heartland: Mexico, Missouri.

Local legend holds that the town got its name when the first settlers found a wooden sign along a trail saying “Mexico” and pointing south, and that it was easier to call their settlement “Mexico” than to take down the old sign. Mexicans, in other words, are lazy. Sound familiar?

The city was General Ulysses S. Grant’s first staging point during the Civil War. Grant, you’ll recall, got his first real military experience 15 years earlier in the other Mexico – during a war he was bitterly opposed to. What else did he pick up there? Political indoctrination, perhaps? Grant went on to become president of the United States, overseeing an administration whose corruption would not be out of place south of the border. The house he stayed in is now a museum housing, among other things, a collection of 400 dolls.

Speaking of Manchurian candidates, Kit Bond, the Missouri’s former governor and (up until two weeks ago) Republican senator, is a Mexican.

Mexicans love their beauty queens, so of course Mexico is the home of the Miss Missouri pageant.

Missouri’s Mexicans have deviously assimilated. 99.13% of the Mexico’s 12,000 residents are non-Hispanic.

There are just two Mexican restaurants in Mexico – not counting Taco Bell - and 31 churches, only two of which are Catholic.

Guns are readily available, and yet Mexico is one of the safest towns in all of Missouri. Residents call it “Main St. of the Midwest.” (And it’s never been more affordable!)

One out of every 254 Mexicans is a registered sex offender. We told you they'd assimilated. When the time comes, Missouri will be the capital of Nuevo Aztlán.


Anonymous said...

So then, does that mean the state of New Mexico, whose governor is a Spanish-speaking latino, is really a part of Old Mexico?

Anonymous said...

WTF !!!! Taco Bell is not included in the count of Mexican restaurants.

Mitch Snyder said...

It is a lovely place, and if you find yourself on the street they have facilities for you to stay in

Anonymous said...

i can't wait till we learn about Mexico, Maine.