Saturday, March 26, 2011

American Gothic

Because the United States is the world's leading producer of school-shooting victims, state and local officials often find it advisable to hold multi-agency training drills involving make-believe terror scenarios, on the unimpeachably wise theory that actual armed-standoff/ hostage situations do not lend themselves well to on-the-job learning. And so it was that officials in Pottawattamie County, Iowa, scheduled such a drill for this afternoon, with the make-believe scenario being a group of "young white supremacists shooting dozens of people amid rising tensions involving racial minorities and illegal immigrants who moved into the area."

We will state here for the record that this scenario was inadvisable. Not because it could never happen, but because, well, stop us if you can see where this is going.

The fact that the fake shooters were white, heavily-armed domestic terrorists angry about illegal immigration, and the victims Hispanic, infuriated actual white, heavily-armed domestic terrorists angry about illegal immigration, who spent much of the last few days besieging Pottawattamie County's Emergency Management Agency, sheriff's office and School Superintendent's office with angry phone calls and emails, including at least one actual shooting threat. Upon which Pottawattamie County officials realized they never should have suggested that white, heavily-armed domestic terrorists angry about illegal immigration, were in any way threatening or dangerous, and canceled the exercise before their baseless insinuations get somebody killed - leaving Pottawattamie County security agents and emergency response teams unprepared to deal with the kind school-shooting that seems always to happen in places with names like "Pottawattamie County."

Anti-immigrant groups - the vast majority of whom do not have children in the Pottawattamie County school system - are of course celebrating, apparently no longer concerned that Muslim, La Raza, or eco-terrorist gunmen could someday open fire on those kids while the county's untrained personnel stand helplessly by. With any luck, there'll be some Mexican laborers working nearby.

7 comments:

http://imustbecrazytoliveinmexico.blogspot.com/ said...

Since I am an expert on Grant Wood (I wrote a college paper on his style promoting regionalism because I was forced to take an art history class to graduate) and I was born and raised in Grant Wood Country of Cedar Rapids which is in Eastern Iowa, I take exception that Burro Hall would place a parody of his painting on this blog. Especially since Pottawattamie Country is way the heck over at the opposite end of the state near Nebraska which is no where near Grant Wood's area. The Cornhuskers of Nebraska, formerly known as Bugeaters (www.bugeaters.com), and their redneck influence at times has flowed over the Missouri River into Iowa as witnessed by recent events at Treynor Public Schools, but never has even come close to the Mississippi River Valley in Eastern Iowa. I shall stalk your blog until an apology is issued.

Burro Hall said...

You're referring to the part of the country between Brooklyn Heights and Haight-Ashbury (not including Chicago and Madison, Wisconsin), right? Because you're really talking about shades of gradation not visible to the mere human eye. But because I'd take your side in this internecine squabble simply because I'd rather be on your side than opposing you, consider this a half-assed apology of sorts.

Burro Hall said...

Also, you would not be even remotely the craziest person stalking this blog these days.

Dave said...

Thanks for leaving Madison out of this (not quite home, but close enough). I think I'll just be a bystander in this fight. I was going to include the rest of Wisconsin, but there are some scary parts here too.

I'm hoping there is a support group for your blog followers-the craziness seems infective sometimes.

http://imustbecrazytoliveinmexico.blogspot.com/ said...

Apology accepted half-assed. And at least I'm no bug eater.

Don Quixoto said...

Burro Hall said...you would not be even remotely the craziest person stalking this blog these days.

;^D

Dave said...

Now, if they just get sensible and do the re-enactment with appropriately scary people, say, wearing cloth on their heads, like, say Sikhs, no one is likely to protest.