Saturday, March 19, 2011

Sábado Gigante

* Two more people spontaneously combusted here this week, bring the year's total to four. In fact, dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not really widely reported. In other dead-queretanos news, five (5) have died in the US so far this year, putting this state with a population equal to West Virginia's on pace to receive about 30 pine-box shipments from Gringolandia this year. (Not counting the 33 who mysteriously disappeared a year ago.) Strangely, the local government has yet to issue a travel advisory.

* At least 80 Mexicans decide that an earthquake/tsunami/nuclear meltdown zone is worse place to live than Mexico.

* We're all for killing the bad guys and stuff, but we can't help thinking that the Torreon Public Security Director's new policy of extra-judicial killings without trial is a step backwards. Like, 300 years backwards.

* Meanwhile, the head of the Mexican Lawyer's Association dropped into town yesterday to urge Querétaro lawyers not to defended accused drug traffickers, which makes us think someone's unclear on the reason lawyers exist.

* On the other hand, the defense lawyer from Presumed Guilty got his law degree at Querétaro's Universidad Anáhuac.

* If you missed the Discovery Channel's "Hiena de Querétaro," here it is in one two three parts.

* A Ferrari that once drove the length of Mexico without getting carjacked sells at auction for $4.29 million.

* Our Comment of the Week comes not from our comment section, but from Twitter, where we were declared the Mexican interweb's most "grappigste" blog, which we believe means "grape pigsty."

* The Catholic Church's official publication blames the US for the drug violence in Mexico. The sound you're hearing is the heads of people who can't decide which they love more - guns or the Baby Jesus - exploding.

* Hopefully, the Academy won't treat Saving Private Perez with the same contempt it treated Machete.

* No Regrets, Coyote: Steven Seagal hunts human traffickers in the Failed State of Arizona, finds one in his own home.

* FSoAZ Governess Jan Brewer goes all-in on courting the white supremacist vote. On the plus side, it might result in more of the state's ammo being kept in-house.

* We're sure the majority leader of the FSoAZ state senate had an excellent reason for smacking his girlfriend around, but thanks to the state's legislative immunity laws he doesn't have to tell us what it was.

* The Texas Agriculture Dept. - apparently no longer being run by Jim Hightower - unveiled its new border vigilante website this week. The state legislature, meanwhile, is pondering a bill to make discrimination illegal. Well, against creationists, anyway.

* We were shocked to learn there are at least three Jews in Mexico, not counting the Reyes Magos.

* And apparently they're not shy about passing around the Manischewitz.

* Imagine waking up and remembering you're Mexican.

* PBS indoctrinates children to not loathe illegal aliens. Republicans coincidentally propose bill to cut off Federal funding.

* Mexico's nanny-state bureaucrats try to limit the amount of junk food sold in elementary schools, but free-market capitalists courageously defend the dream of making Mexico the Fattest, Most Diabetic Nation on Earth.

* Yes, War for Oil! The UN approves the use of force against Libya on the 73rd Anniversary of the nationalization of the Mexican oil industry, when Mexico drove out the Americans and the Brits and replaced them with smokin'-hot chicas like these Pemex employees parading in Veracruz yesterday:

* Via the MexFiles, Aldous Huxley's Mexican travelogue.

* From Awesome Gang Names Dept., meet The Knights Templar.

* The Mexican Congress literally eats shit.

* Jim Cramer, man of the people, reminds us that Spring Break in Mexico can be pretty nice if you're a gazillionaire.

* Mexico's only atomic clock is located here in Querétaro. Accurate to within plus or minus 90 minutes per week. (In the unlikely event anyone in Mexico actually gives a shit what time it is, you can find out here.)

* The President of Mexico and the US Ambassador have got a great Old-School beef going: talkin' smack about guns, drugs and each other's crews, and even bangin' a rival's daughter just because, hey, fuck you. A word of advice: This shit's bad for business. If you boys don't take care of this, Suge Knight's gonna take care of this, dig?

Update: US Ambassador shot dead behind the wheel of his Cadillac Escalade outside Caesar's Palace.

* Tonight, Calderón will be burned in effigy on the streets of Valencia. But it's all good.

* The real-life President Calderón was in San Miguel this week for the opening of the Rosewood Hotel. To repeat, the president of the Republic of Mexico traveled 200 miles to cut the ribbon on a new hotel. We're booking him now for our 2011 office holiday party.


Anonymous said...

Just for fun, Google "Mexican Congress eats shit", Burro Hall is #1 and #2. Figuratively of course.

Mexfiles said...

You shouldn't rely on "Borderlands Beat" for your information. General Villa is the "departing" Torreón Police Chief (he's becoming head of the Quintana Roo State Police) not the "new" police chief.

Burro Hall said...

And if I had said that, I would totally have blamed Borderland Beat for the error.

Anonymous said...

"En lo que va del año, han fallecido cinco migrantes queretanos en la Unión Americana, en su mayoría a causa de accidentes automovilísticos, informó el diputado J. Belem Junco Márquez, presidente de la Comisión del Migrante del Congreso Local."


The Mexicans don't use baby-seats or seat-belts, Burro-Hall better expand his car safety program.

Burro Hall said...

I just assumed that was diplo-speak for "car bombs."

Nancy said...

Calderon is coming to Mazatlan to "supervise and review" a new bridge on the (under construction) Durango - Maz highway. I can ask him about your party if I see him, ok?

Burro Hall said...

Thanks, Nancy, but we'll see him in a couple of weeks - he's been hired to do magic tricks at a friend's bat mitzvah.