Saturday, March 26, 2011

Sábado Gigante

* Burro Hall Headquarters has no shortage of communications devices - a pair of US-based Vonage phones, a TelMex land line, a variety of US- and Mexican-based cellphones, four computers, a half-dozen email addresses and a blog with a comments section - and all of them are working just fine. And yet an entire week has gone by without anyone in the US State Dept. contacting us about the job vacancy. Dude, we're already in-country, we speak perfect English, know the Mexican National Anthem by heart, voted for you in the last election (or would have, if not for the long lines) and, most importantly, we know better than to put our unpopular personal opinions in writing! Hit us up in comments (unless you want to talk salary and benefits, in which case use the email).

* With the scope of the US government-sanctioned arms smuggling into Mexico becoming more embarrassing every day, this was the perfect week for the Homeland Security Secretary to declare border security "the best it's ever been" because Mexican violence isn't spilling over. Proving once again that everyone from Arizona is an idiot.

*Priorities: While Mexican officials are cracking down on counterfeit DVDs, an (allegedly) fake Mayan relic sells at auction in Paris for $4.1 million. The Year of Mexico in France, indeed.

* The Year of Mexico in France II: New Hermes scarves feature Otomí embroidery. Counterfeit versions to arrive at Otomí-run tianguis by early summer.

* Thirteen illegal immigrants tried to drive into the US disguised as United States Marines. Their van's license plate was crudely altered with paint, and all 13 men wore uniforms emblazoned with the same name: Perez. "This effort is an example of the lengths smugglers will go to avoid detection," a Border Patrol spokesperson said, which is, when you think about it, pretty reassuring.

* The Mexican border patrol agent from yesterday's post is now under investigation. Maybe the best way to reform Mexico would be for Bill Gates to buy and distribute 10 million video cameras. (Won't happen - but this is a good start.)

* Instead, Gates bought 15% of Mexico's largest Coca-Cola bottler. Now, every time we see an obese, diabetic child waddling home from school with a two-liter bottle of Coke under his chubby little arm, we'll smile knowing Bill Gates is 20 cents closer to toppling Carlos Slim as the World's Richest Man. These colors don't run!

* In other child-endangerment news, the American Academy of Pediatrics now says children should travel in rear-facing car seats until the age of 2. But the study only compared this with forward-face car seats, not with standing up in the lap of their unseatbelted mother in the front seat, so Mexican parents are free to disregard it.

* The late Mrs. Hilton-Wilding-Todd-Fisher-Burton-Burton-Warner-Fortensky's Mexican legacy.

* We suppose our revulsion at Mexico's mistreatment of prisoners should extend to all of them, but for some reason it just doesn't.

* We're also not big on the slaughter of harp seals, but still found the anti-harp-seal-slaughter protest in Querétaro a little baffling.

* We know we shit on the Failed State of Arizona a lot, so, for the record: any place so spectacularly fucked up that a washed-up actor and alleged sex-slave-trafficker can persuade a failed sheriff to let him commandeer two tanks and a SWAT team to apprehend an unarmed fighting-cock farmer for an episode of his low-rated reality show is a place we're sincerely thankful to know exists. We just wish it were further away, that's all.

* And in more good FSoAZ news, the legislature finally passes a law against racial discrimination! For fetuses.

* Somehow we missed the publication of Illegal: Life and Death in Arizona's Immigration War Zone.

* When we see stories like this, about the hardships endured by the children of immigrant farmworkers, we think, "Those children need to be punished as severely as possible." Because that's the American Way.

* If we had $2012 and couldn't think of a stupider fucking way to spend it, we'd have attended the GOP Joes Summit Meeting - Arpaio, Miller and the Plumber - brought to you by the "Our Country Deserves Better PAC," a name that's hard to argue with. (For instance, in Our Country, the plural of "Joe" is not "Joe's"...)

* MexiLeaks: Mexico's super-secret aerial drone program apparently got a lot less-super secret when a couple of them were added to the Independence Day Military Parade last year, prompting a citizen to file a FOIA request.

* Haley Barbour will never get the GOP nomination now.

* Fun with statistics: The headline says there are 16% fewer Catholics in Mexico, but that's (a) compared to 1950, and (b) somehow a reduction from 98% of the population to 89% equals a drop of 16 percent, which is not how we remember math working. The percentage of atheists appears to have increased 666%, though, so watch out, Baby Jesus.

* "Juan Pablo, Segundo/ Te quiere poco del mundo!" A mere 0.0025% of the world's Catholics "Like" John Paul II's Facebook page. This is an even smaller percentage than the 0.0028% of New Mexico election ballots cast by illegal aliens in the past seven years.

* Just because something can be done doesn't mean it should be done. Case in point: chipotle-flavored vodka.

* The Year of Mexico in France III: American sex-offender flees to Mexico, then Paris, then back to Mexico.

* How pro-life is Querétaro? Even our airplanes don't "abort" their takeoffs - they "reject" them.

* Spring Break visitors to Acapulco are down 93% from last year, meaning that has literally never been a better time to go.

* Slow week for Mexican Cheesecake. We've got Juliette Lewis, but notable mostly for the use of "bikini" as a verb.

* Is there any way that El Santo in The Treasure of Dracula could get any better? Duh! How 'bout adding naked she-vampires!

* Searching YouTube for "Electro Dance Queretaro" pulls up 56 different (yet similar) videos. We have no idea what it's about.


Acapulco Vacations said...

"Spring Break visitors to Acapulco are down 93% from last year, meaning that has literally never been a better time to go."


Not to worry, a few tourists were dropped off in Acapulco, courtesy of Chapo Guzman.

Burro Hall said...

See? And it's never been more affordable!