Or Your Money Back!

When it comes to preserving Querétaro's self-image as an island of sanity in a sea of bloodthirsty madness, February has been the cruelest month. In addition to the two people who spontaneously combusted after shooting themselves in the trunks of their cars and the three people who shot themselves in the head simultaneously while blindfolded, there was the guy who committed suicide in front of his wife and kids by handcuffing himself and repeatedly smashing his head into the fists and truncheons of four Querétaro police officers.

Now comes word that, in the little town of Huimilpan, three people managed to bury themselves to death in a shallow grave, while making it look like a gang of kidnappers - which included three police officers from Michoacán, one of whom was a former cop in the Querétaro town of Corregidora - had something to do with it.

Fortunately, the government and media are on the case. You'll recall that after the first two incidents, Gov. Calzada took to the front pages to assure the populace that "We Are A Safe State"! Now, after two additional incidents that would seem to implicate the very forces charged with assuring that we are, in fact, a safe state, the governor and his stenographers in the press corps have declared "Security Guaranteed." So once again, there's nothing to worry about! Go back to your mobile devices and tv screens, everybody.

Your mileage may vary.