Thursday, April 21, 2011

Jesus Christ's Superstar

Out here in Jesusville, the Catholic Archbishop is the proverbial Big Man on Campus. So when Querétaro's Archbishop, Mario de Gasperín Gasperín, announced a few months ago that he was retiring so he could spend more time with his family, there was a lot of interest in who would be his Vatican-appointed successor. On March 21, Plaza de Armas went all-in with a big, big scoop, which they played with all their usual subtlety:  Carlos Briseño would be the new Archbishop, bitches!  The story came with a life-size cutout of Briseño, who was also for some reason now writing a front-page column for the paper.

The next day, as is their custom, the paper modestly reprinted its previous day's front page on the front page. Strangely, no one joined them in reporting this really important piece of news, and PdeA began including quotes from the Vatican to the effect of, "really, we haven't made any decision yet..." while insisting that their sources on this one were rock-solid. The following day they were taunting other news outlets for failing to credit Plaza de Armas by name when reporting on the rumor, pointing out that they all got scooped by a paper founded just eight months earlier. "New days are here, Querétaro!"

On the 24th, they ran a short piece suggesting all the haters out there shut the fuck up and wait for the Vatican's confirmation of their scoop.

Four days later, the walkback began, with the news that, according to PdeA's sources, there were three finalists for the position: Briseño, Faustino Armendáriz, and Ramón Castro Castro - the last one being our personal favorite, because we liked the idea of Castro Castro replacing Gasperín Gasperín (two identical last names being a likely sign that one's parents were related to each other).

So now stop us if you can see where this is going, but today every paper in Querétaro - including Plaza de Armas - has on it's front page the news that Faustino Armendáriz, the current Archbishop of Tamaulipas, has been officially appointed Archbishop of Querétaro by Pope Benedict XVI. Nowhere in PdeA's four pages of coverage does the name Carlos Briseño appear, except in the tiny item at the bottom of the front page that says, "Plaza de Armas published on March 28 the short list of successors for Mario Gasperín: Briseño, Armendáriz, and Castro. It's Armendáriz." So, see? They got it right! New days are here, Querétaro!

And then, 12 pages later, in a fit of either pique or incompetence, they illustrate an unrelated story about the beatification of John Paul II with an image of a crucifix credited to "Andres Serrano/EFE." That would of course be Piss Christ, Serrano's controversial 1987 photograph depicting "a small plastic crucifix submerged in a glass of the artists own urine." We haven't checked out the beatification pieces in all the other papers yet, but we're betting PdeA is out alone on that one, too.

1 comment:

Charles Pergiel said...

"... so he could spend more time with his family,"

OK, I am now officially confused. Personally I wonder what, if anything, is behind this standard euphemism.

All in all, very funny.