Saturday, May 21, 2011

Cinco de Burro: July 07, 2008

As luck would have it, our Executive Editor has been Raptured. Or perhaps kidnapped. It's hard to tell. Anyway, regular posting has been and will continue to be sporadic over the next few days. Fortunately, our ongoing Cinco de Burro celebration continues. Really, we don't know why we didn't think of this before, just repackaging old crap that's been sitting around for year. And to think, we used to work in television.

Monday, July 07, 2008
The Graduate

I was never much of a student, but in my entire checkered academic career I only managed to get two Fs on my report card - one in English, the other in Spanish. So of course I went on to major in English and eventually moved to a Spanish-speaking country. I mentioned this to my high school girlfriend a year ago, forgetting that Swampscott is the kind of town where your high school girlfriend and your ninth grade Spanish teacher will almost certainly be friends with each other a quarter century later. So a couple of months ago I got an email from my teacher saying that she couldn't remember ever giving anyone an F, and that I must be misremembering.

But - for better or worse (and if we're voting, I'd say worse) - she also kept all her grade books, which she eventually dug out of storage somewhere. Fantastic! So here, in my ninth-grade Spanish teacher's own words, are my individual test scores for the 1981-82 academic year:

Term 1 (with [a different teacher who left after one month]) you had grades of 30,34,40,60. I came in a gave you a 60 for the term (benefit of the doubt and the transition)

Term II grades, 68,70,20,58 you got a 52 for the term (took back the benefit of the doubt)

Term III grades 79,100,80,96,91,100,10 (The ten was on a test of the preterite) and an 80 for the term (you were finally getting serious)

Term IV 70,95,67,84, (overconfident, did less work?) term grade 79, Final Exam C- and it looks like a D for the year.

Not only did I get an F second term, but my first term grade was actually 41. Out of 100. All of this proves that the grades you get in school have nothing to do with real life, kids. So when some grown-up - your parents, the principal or a police officer - try to tell you you should study hard and not do drugs, don't you listen to them.


Alexis said...

Well, Mr Snelgrove, I happen to know that in the future I will not have the slightest use for algebra, and I speak from experience. [Peggy Sue Got Married]

Anonymous said...

I, too, failed Spanish. Ironically, it was here in Queretaro at la UAQ where my objections to table-top beer skating exchange students and our being ejected at 3 AM from a reputable hotel in Patzcuaro as a result of the drunken destruction wreaked upon the hotel by my fellow UofZero companions, earned me the honor of an entire year of academic failure.

My Spanish instructors and I had many a laugh over it as I was the only person capable of reading, writing or speaking the language in my third-year courses.

A Costa Rican fullbright scholar and I also got a laugh when about two months after returning from my UAQ failure, she suggested that I get my short story published.

UofZero Department of Romance Languages chair, Francoise Calin's response to my query as to how my grades could be explained in light of my literary success? "How do I know that you wrote it?"

Moral: Not only did I receive 17 credits of failure and irreparable damage to my transcripts and pride, but for my efforts in clearing my name I was also labeled plagiarist.

Maybe I'm just too scared to start my own blog.

-- Don Largo