It's Twins!

Finally, a heartwarming love story from the Narco Wars - or not so heartwarming, depending on your perspective. But a few weeks ago, Sinaloa Cartel boss Chapo "Chapo" Guzmán became a daddy - twice! - after his barely legal bride, former beauty queen Emma Coronél, niece of the late capo Nacho Coronél, gave birth to twins. Mazel Tov!

The less-than-heartwarming part is that, because Mrs. Guzmán has US citizenship, she was able to give birth in Los Angeles, despite her baby daddy being #1 on the FBI's most wanted list.

The spaces for “Name of Father” are blank. But the L.A. County birth certificates list the mother, who happens to be the young wife of one of history’s biggest and most sought-after drug lords, Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman.

Emma Coronel traveled to Southern California in mid-July, and on Aug. 15 gave birth to twin girls at Antelope Valley Hospital in Lancaster, according to birth records and a senior U.S. law enforcement official.

We've got a pretty awesome alternative theory here that involves the "Father" space being blank because it isn't Chapo, but the consequences of that are too horrible to contemplate. So we'll stick to the superficial - starting with the fact that there are a lot of media outlets out there that have illustrated this story with a photo of Laura Elena Zuñiga - the other young Sinaloan beauty queen sleeping with a major narco. The confusion is understandable. This is the real Emma Coronél. Not as hot as Laura Elena Zuñiga, we'll grant you, but she's probably got a nice personality.

Anyway, the boys here at Burro Hall Laboratories were wondering what the future heirs to the Sinaloa Cartel might look like, so we fired up the interwebs and ran the data through the supercomputers over at MakeMeBabies.com, and came up with the image of the next li'l narquito:

Then, because scientific results, like narcos, should be reproducible, we zipped over to MorphThing.com's "What Will My Baby Look Like?" feature, and ran the numbers on both sexes, boy [left] and girl [right]:

As you can see, Chapo covers his tracks well. Damned if we know what the kids look like.