Wednesday, September 28, 2011

It's Twins!

Finally, a heartwarming love story from the Narco Wars - or not so heartwarming, depending on your perspective. But a few weeks ago, Sinaloa Cartel boss Chapo "Chapo" Guzmán became a daddy - twice! - after his barely legal bride, former beauty queen Emma Coronél, niece of the late capo Nacho Coronél, gave birth to twins. Mazel Tov!

The less-than-heartwarming part is that, because Mrs. Guzmán has US citizenship, she was able to give birth in Los Angeles, despite her baby daddy being #1 on the FBI's most wanted list.

The spaces for “Name of Father” are blank. But the L.A. County birth certificates list the mother, who happens to be the young wife of one of history’s biggest and most sought-after drug lords, Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman.

Emma Coronel traveled to Southern California in mid-July, and on Aug. 15 gave birth to twin girls at Antelope Valley Hospital in Lancaster, according to birth records and a senior U.S. law enforcement official.

We've got a pretty awesome alternative theory here that involves the "Father" space being blank because it isn't Chapo, but the consequences of that are too horrible to contemplate. So we'll stick to the superficial - starting with the fact that there are a lot of media outlets out there that have illustrated this story with a photo of Laura Elena Zuñiga - the other young Sinaloan beauty queen sleeping with a major narco. The confusion is understandable. This is the real Emma Coronél. Not as hot as Laura Elena Zuñiga, we'll grant you, but she's probably got a nice personality.

Anyway, the boys here at Burro Hall Laboratories were wondering what the future heirs to the Sinaloa Cartel might look like, so we fired up the interwebs and ran the data through the supercomputers over at MakeMeBabies.com, and came up with the image of the next li'l narquito:


Then, because scientific results, like narcos, should be reproducible, we zipped over to MorphThing.com's "What Will My Baby Look Like?" feature, and ran the numbers on both sexes, boy [left] and girl [right]:


As you can see, Chapo covers his tracks well. Damned if we know what the kids look like.

2 comments:

City Hunter said...

=)

Maggie said...

Hey fatboy take my blog off of this site. Oh I see, you don't want anyone to know what you and richard and fulano(lINTON) did, right?

I mean, you don't want anyone to know you are a pig,AND YOUR BEST FRIENDS ARE PIGS right? YEA I GUESS THAT WOULD SHATTER THE ILLUSION REAL FUCKIN QUICK.

You don't want anyone to know how YOU AND your friends fuck with people , right? And how you get a real big kick out of it, right?

Well kick this up your fat ass you pig, take my blog off of this bullshit site.

You want people to think you're just a great guy! bullshit cocksucker

FUCK YOU

HEY, SELL ANY REAL ESTATE LATELY?

Fake - I'm surprised you don't list the San Diego Union Trib here, afterall, some of your best friends work there.

FUCKIN COCKSUCKIN PIG

FUCK YOU

BIG PHONEY BULLSHIT

OH HURRY FRANKIE GO RUN TO YOUR FAGGOT FRIENDS THEY'll protect because you're such as fuckin whimp and a coward.

Pussy Frank, just a yellow belly coward hiding behind Linton.

FUCK YOU

PIG

BTW, I DID TELL YOU THAT I DID SAVE THAT EMAIL CONVERSATION, RIGHT? Remember dickhead?

I do. Gosh, do ya think TPM would like a copy?

FUCK YOU

HEY, SEE YA AROUND FAT BOY, WHEN YOU LEAST FUCKING EXPECT IT.

THAT IS, IF YOU HAVEN'T KICKED THE BUCKET YET, YOU LOOK LIKE FUCKIN SHIT MAN.

FUCK YOU

TAKE MY SITE DOWN YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT

THE GREAT FRANK BEST FRIENDS WITH LINTON

COCKSUCKER

SO THAT'S IT RIGHT - I MEAN THAT'S WHAT YOU DO, YOU JERK OFF FUCKING WITH PEOPLE.

WOW YOU ARE SO BRAVE !!!! WHAT A MAN !!! OH MY, HE THINKS HE'S A GOD !!!

FUCK YOU YOU PIG

AND FUCK YOUR FAMILY TOO - ARE THEY ALL LIKE YOU, YOU KNOW ASSHOLES ???

AND YOUR FUCKIN DOG. CHRIST DOES HE LICK YOUR DICK?

PROBABLY YOU ARE AFTERALL A FUCKING PERVERT.

AND I BET YOUR FAMILY SITS THERE AND WATCHES, WOW !!!!

COCKSUCKER

And you fuckin sat there and laughed and laughed while fulano just obliterated me. well fuck you someone is going to obliterate you and your fucking family.

and then I will be the one who is laughing.

can't wait.

YOU'RE A PIG