Sunday, September 11, 2011

11.S '011: The Rising

Having spent most of the last four months contributing to - and the last 24 hours running away from - the orgy of September 11 remembrance, we're having a hard time mustering anything meaningful to say about S.11 '011. So we'll just rerun this post from a year and a half ago, which pretty much sums up everything we love about the US of A.

May 31, 2010
America: Our Hot, Horny Girls Are Waiting to Talk to You LIVE!

We were striding through the streets of midtown Manhattan a few days ago, when we came across this bumper sticker on the back of a vintage Detroit gas-guzzler:


Our first thought, of course, was, gosh, what an arrogant, combative dickhead, driving around New York picking fights with imaginary adversaries for whom the mere sight of an American flag bumper sticker would be offensive -  a cohort of New Yorkers we'd number at approximately zero (or, if there happens to be an active al Qaeda cell in town, maybe as high as six). Either way, douchey in the extreme.

But we were nevertheless intrigued by the 800 number, since we did in fact LEAVE-THE-USA on at least one occasion, and wished at the time that there had been a toll-free number we could have called for advice. So we pulled out our cellphone and dialed 1-800-53283-84(etc), and were connected to a recording informing us that "the best live talk is at 1-800-353-3300!" "Best live talk" seems a weird way of phrasing "to speak to an operator," but we've spent enough time dealing with Bangalori call centers that it's not, frankly, the worst attempt at conversational English we've ever heard.

So we hung up and dialed 1-800-353-3300, and found ourselves in Menu Option Hell:

"Hey there, sexy guy, are you ready to talk one-on-one with hot, horny girls? Lie back, and starting talking to local students, housewives and working girls...Press 1 now for live, nasty girls who'll do anything you want for just $2.99!

"Now it's time to stick...it...in! Enter your credit or debit card number..."

As far as practical advice for relocating outside the US goes, this was pretty thin gruel, but we still hung up feeling better about our beautiful homeland. Think you can stick it in to a live, nasty Canadian girl for just $2.99 a minute? Or chat up a horny working girl in Iran? No, friends, as our gas-guzzling patriot with the twin bumper stickers pairing the fallen heroes of 9/11 with a sleazy offer of masturbatory phone sex reminds us, the USA is the greatest country on Earth, and you'd have to be crazy to even think about leaving it. Having to lay eyes on the Stars and Stripes from time to time is really a small price to pay, when you think about it.

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