Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Hell on Wheels

The pope's coming to Querétaro! No, not the Nazi one, the dead one. Okay, not really the whole dead one, but a little piece of him nonetheless.
Queretanos will be able to venerate the relics of the beatified John Paul II as of December 12, according to the archdiocese spokesman Saúl Ragoitia Vega. The presence of a vial of the pope's blood will inspire the population to travel with him on the road to sainthood.
That the relics of the world's biggest Guadalupe-groupie will arrive here on the Virgen's Feast Day is a point of special pride for the city. It turns out, the papal platelets have been on tour around Mexico since mid-August, when they were apparently sent here by the Vatican to fight crime.
AFP (10 Aug 2011) - A vial containing the late pope John Paul II's blood will soon be winging its way to Mexico in a bid to help bring down crimes rates in the largely Catholic country, Vatican Radio reported Wednesday. An episcopal conference in Mexico has requested that the relic be sent over and, the official radio reported, the 'relic' will arrive in the country on August 17...
We don't mean to appear ungrateful, but since the holy hemoglobin arrived in Mexico, there have been approximately 5,300 homicides. Perhaps the Vatican has another bucketful they could ship over?

Unless television has been lying to us all these years, the key to successful crime-fighting is a sweet-ass set of wheels, and in this, the immaculate immune-globulin is all hooked up.  We thought it'd be coming in the stylish silver chalice we saw at the beatification this year, but in fact it's encased in a life-sized wax sculpture of his dead body, mounted in a rolling, all-glass coffin like the one the long-dead Don Bosco rode into town a year ago.

As anyone from Madam Tussaud's can tell you, anyone crafting a replica of a long-lived celebrity encounters what we'd call the "skinny Elvis / fat Elvis" conundrum.  We have no idea where one goes to have something like this made, but the artists seem to have split the difference and gone with a distinguished late-mid-career look - think Godfather-era Brando. 

We're planning to visit Wojtyła's white cells just as soon as their tour schedule is made public.  That could be a while, though.  The Querétaro archdiocese is planning to form a "commission" to plan the vampiric vessel's visit.  (Agenda Item #1: Enormous blood-filled likeness of pope coming to town; what to do?  Item #2: Lunch.)

We assume the commission has yet to be formed because (a) Dec 12 is still eight weeks away and this is Mexico, and (b) because we haven't been contacted to serve on it.   Surely the archdiocese is aware that the executive editor of this blog is himself a "quaternary relic" of His Late Holiness.  To proceed without the benefit of our wise council would be galling indeed.  (Though, now that we think of it, that may be a bodily fluid better suited to our temperament.)


Amiga del Lorax said...

For all things there is a pug solution. I mean, bring on the PUG!

I realize you may be beginning to find my calls for more pugs cloying, however, I will bet bucks your pug relishes his starring role on Burro Hall, occasional as it may be.

Burro Hall said...

There's no reason both those comments can't be true...


jennifer j rose said...

He'll be here in Morelia this week. If you absolutely cannot wait, it could be worth the 2-hour drive. And I'll even buy your coffee.

If someone sees enough papal and sanctified body parts to make up a whole human, do you win a prize like maybe a copy of the Operation game?

Crazy Rita said...

Papal blood inside a wax dummy? Surely, you can't be serious

Dave said...

You're having way too much fun with words on this one. I forgot...did you do His Hematological Holiness?

Charles Pergiel said...

The sacred vial is inside the sacred wax dummy? How do you know? Did you see them put it in there? I'll bet it's not even really in there, that's why they are sending the dummy. They lost the vial and are too scared to admit it. Or they are in cahoots with the gunslingers who want more dead bodies, so they deliberately didn't put the vial in the dummy. I want to see the vial, gol durn it.