Next Stop, "Celebrity Rehab."

Perro's hitting rock bottom. We'll be packing up out of this town soon.

Statue of Limitations

Yesterday we were forced to walk the three miles to The Man's sweatshop because the subways were still recovering from Hurricane Tropical Storm Irene (specifically, they were recovering from the city's decision to shut down the subway for fear that the trains might get wet). But we're glad we did, otherwise we might never have seen the only statue of a Mexican in New York City: this life-size casting of Benito Juárez in Byrant Park.

Admittedly, in Juárez's case, "life-size" and "almost insultingly tiny" are more or less the same, since he was famously elected president as part of Mexico's successful bid to capture the Guinness record for World's Shortest Head of State. (Interestingly, Juárez also holds the record for World's Tallest Fully-Indigenous President of Mexico.) But before you accuse us of "going native" by adopting our adopted country's hypersensitivity to slights from Uncle Sam - "Hey," we can hear you saying, "Juárez was a total midget...of course his statue is pint-sized!" - we would refer you to the neighboring statue, 50 feet away, of José Bonifácio de Andrada e Silva, who the Wikipedias tell us was some kind of Brazilian statesman, naturalist, professor and poet.

True, the article says nothing about Andrada's height, but if he were in fact nine feet tall, it seems like the kind of thing biographers might take care to note.

Protesters should report to NYC Parks Department Headquarters at 830 Fifth Avenue.

City Adrift

Some heart-wrenching images have been coming in to the Burro Hall Storm Center in the aftermath of Hurricane Tropical Storm Irene, all of them taken by our intrepid interns within 100 meters of our New York City Bureau.

Tree damage on W72nd St.

Officials declined to estimate how long it would take maids to remove duct-tape residue from the Dakota's windows.

Evidence of the presence of looters near Amsterdam Ave.

Desperate Columbus Ave. residents escaped to higher ground.  As of 2:52 pm no one from FEMA had arrived.

As predicted by several leading paleontologists, dozens of dinosaurs escaped the Museum of Natural History in search of food.  In a stroke of good luck for weary residents, most of the giant beasts were herbivores, like this flower-eater above.

Shortages of fatty tuna have led to rationing, with residents waiting up to 15 minutes for an outdoor table at Tenzan.

The prayers of the entire Burro Hall family go out to the victims. Our nonprofit wing, Burro Hall Cares!, will be establishing a relief fund as soon as our attorney gets back from Shelter Island.

Spa Wars

Update from the Burro Hall Storm Center: We headed out a while ago to join in the looting, and discovered that there are only two businesses open within a three-block radius of Burro Hall Norte. Those would be Bonnie's Nail & Spa...

...and, directly across the street, An's Nail & Spa.

We're running low on food, water and other necessities, but not only can we get a pedicure today, we can actually comparison-shop for one.

Rock You Like a Hurricane

We've been hunkering down at Burro Hall Norte for the past several weeks while our AV Division puts the finishing touches on a documentary intended to raise awareness of our need to pay the rent on our Querétaro offices. BH Norte, located in a 20-story high-rise near New York's Central Park, has been moistened considerably over the past 18 hours by Hurricane Irene.

We took all the usual precautions - stocked up on Xanax and gin, filled the fridge with takeout sushi, picked up the Sunday Times as soon as it came out on Saturday, sketched our a few pithy bon mots for our Twitter feed - and have so far managed to survive the ordeal. The weak link, as always, is the perro. After several hours of trying to coax him to pee on the kitchen floor, we've come to realize we'll probably have to take him outside in the 75mph winds. He's heavy enough that he won't blow away, but we're worried that his flapping tongue might take down a power line, leaving us stranded without a working espresso machine. Pray for us.

If, for some reason, the view out your window does not include a hurricane, you can watch it live here:

Burro Hall Book Club

For the past five nightmarish years, anyone who wished to read the bestselling Sudario Trilogy, by our friends, neighbors and Burro Hall Norte landlords Leonard Foglia and David Richards had to be fluent in Spanish, Brazilian or Polish, since those were the only languages it it had been published in. Technically adept readers could run the book through Google Translate, as we've done here with first paragraph of Volume One, but it probably wouldn't make you hungry for another 800 pages...

How lucky I was! The last forty years of your priesthood had been spent in the cathedral, between the gilded carvings, high arches, the beautiful sculptures of stone, which had acquired over the centuries, gray velvet appearance. So much beauty kept touched with the passage of time.

The nightmare ends now, with the publication in English - the Official Language of Geno's Cheesesteaks™ - of The Sudarium Trilogy! It's the perfect three-part beach read, released just in time for the end of summer (as you might expect from a publisher that took five years to publish the books in the language they were originally written in, but hey, what do we know about business?).

The first five readers to mail us their receipt for all three volumes will receive a photo of the perro posing with the authors' perro, destined to become the canine version of the Elvis/Nixon handshake.

[Of interest to our local readers: One of the books (we won't say which - you gotta buy them all) is set partly in Querétaro, with one supporting character ("God") based loosely on the Executive Editor of this site.]

When Addressing Sr. Peter "Speak Aramaic"

A sad day here in the Burro Hall family. Philly cheesesteak king Joey Anthony Vento (of the Mayflower Ventos), the first nativist knucklehead mocked on this blog back in 2006, has died of a massive coronary brought on by a lifetime of eating Philly cheesesteaks.

Obituaries seem to be painting him as some kind of straight-talkin', colorful crank, so we thought we'd link to Michael Currie Schaffer's excellent 2007 New Republic piece:

A born showman, Vento mugged for the cameras all the while. He told a reporter that Mexicans carry disease into the U.S. because they "play and drink out of the same water." He defended himself against critics with a quick recourse to that last refuge of the demagogue: "I say what everybody's thinking but is afraid to say." When the cameras finally left his restaurant, he took his show on the road, traveling to a rally in the northeast Pennsylvania town of Hazleton, where GOP mayor Lou Barletta championed anti-immigrant ordinances that have since been struck down in federal court.

...Before he put up his English-only sign, Vento's most prominent political statement came in outfitting Geno's staffers in t-shirts calling for Mumia Abu-Jamaal's execution. In interviews, Vento has maintained that his own ancestors were disadvantaged because no one ever forced them to learn English on arrival from Italy. A veteran big-city pol like Giuliani might well have admired his ability to waltz from white ethnic griping to high-minded public policy reasoning. A little staff work, though, ought to have demonstrated that Vento was more than just another simple restaurateur with his mind helpfully focused on integrating non-English speaking immigrants into the modern U.S. economy. They might, for instance, have simply checked out his arm, which has a tattoo of the confederate flag. Vento says it's an homage to the old cartoon character Johnny Yuma, the rebel. He must have liked that show a lot, because he also had the flag on several of the Harley-Davidsons he keeps across the street from his restaurant.

The Burro Hall Editorial Board never wishes death on anyone. But we don't mourn every death, either.

Tacos Coreanos

Caught sight of the Kimchi Taco truck around the corner from our Audio/Visual Division's headquarters today.

We didn't sample the fare because 10AM is too early for kimchi or tacos individually, let alone in concert. But we're thinking we're just the people to bring this idea to Querétaro.

Grim Policia

Mugshot del Día:

Now, sure, the guy [allegedly though very probably] killed a guy and threatened a pregnant woman with a knife, but still. Either the police here drag their perps before the media before they've been arraigned, or the police station bathroom needs to put some non-slip tiles on the floor.

This Pork Chop Has Seconds To Live

Sábado Gigante

* As you may have noticed (or probably didn't, since we barely pay attention to this site ourselves, and so don't really expect you to), we haven't bothered to post our weekly roundup of stuff we can't be bothered to write full posts on. Sorry, it's just been that kind of summer here. We hope you've taken the opportunity to go outside and enjoy yourselves, or at least visited some of Our Far-Flung Correspondents. We haven't updated that list in a while, so if there's anything good out there that we should be reading but aren't leave us a link in comments. Now get outta here. Summer's waning...

* Actual journalist Jan-Albert Hootsen, whose blog is in Dutch, and therefore hilarious, has just launched The Voice of Mexico, a site whose mission statement sounds like our kind of manifesto, so bookmark it:

The roots of The Voice of Mexico lie in its founders’ discontent with the flow of information in a country we love dearly.... We feel frustrated with the singular focus on organized crime, corruption and migratory issues. We feel frustrated with the lack of context and meaning the (inter)national media offer us. We feel that, by reading the current reporting on this country, you might hear a lot about it, but learn very little.

* Like, take for example...oh, say, Greta Van Susteren, Fox News's answer to Jocelyn Wildenstein, whose latest internet word-collage laments the way the media has "ignored" the violence in Mexico, and the way those dastardly Mexicans' "drugs are exported to our street," where, reluctantly, we are forced to purchase and ingest them.

* Mexico: Land of the formaldehyde-preserved fairies.

* Failed State of Arizona Roundup: Man shoots self in penis with official state gun; FSoAZers are on an anti-haboobs jihad - 'cuz ya can't give a Biblical storm a Koranic name; Local woman dreams of the day an Arizonan #1 at something;

* This just in: Batshit crazy Michele Bachmann is the favored candidate of the batshit-crazies - which of course hasn't dissuaded her from pandering hilariously to the Hispanic vote. We'll bet her Spanish is better than Rick Perry's, though.

* Speaking of Michele Bachmann...

* "Median wealth of whites is now 18 times that of Hispanic households." Presumably, when it hits 20, we can stop freaking out about Hispanics threatening the American Way of Life.

* Some nice promotions for the people who brought you Fast & Furious.

* Being mayor of Querétaro requires you to do some weird stuff.

* Meanwhile, the governor's family comes out at night to feed on the living.

* We're shocked to learn that QRO Airport is big enough to land a 747. Why do we always have to fly to the US seated between Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper?

* Malcolm Beith talking some sense in Foreign Policy.

* Chomsky has some lucid moments as well.

* Holy shit, even GE's top global-growth guy is talking non-crazy! Maybe they're reading The Voice of Mexico.

* Any Mexican who would steal the golden crown off the Virgin of the Macarena is the kind of no-fear motherfucker we don't ever want to run into.

* Gorgeous photos of Cabo Pulmo Marine Park, located in the non-shithole part of Baja. Also, check out the mammoth crystals of Naica, Chihuahua.

* News from Mexican Shark Week: Scorpion deaths down; vampire bat deaths up.

* Also, killings by people on the rise.

* Fences Make Good Neighbors: Is there any way to keep gringo child molesters out of Mexico? In return, Mexico could keep banditos like this guy out of the US.

* It should be no surprise that in Amealco, Querétaro, the most alcoholic town in Mexico, 50 percent of the people consume too much pulque. And by "people," we of course mean, "children."

* The PRI certainly understands how government stimulus is supposed to work.

* Limited Edition Emiliano Zapata Ruger, if you're looking for a little Old school Gangsta action. Sure, you'll be cut in half by your rival's Uzi, but they probably won't shoot you in the face, out of respect.

* Nice to see our favorite-named drug gang, the Knights Templar, actually starting to dress like the Knights Templar.

* The Zetas ruin a perfectly good letter. Costa-Gavras better watch his back.

* A shameless plug for our friends at Casa del Atrio.

* As long as we're plugging, our friend Dan Margolies' new book, Spaces of Law in American Foreign Relations: Extradition and Extraterritoriality in the Borderlands and Beyond, 1877-1898 is finally out in paperback. Don't be put off by the tabloidy title - the publisher wants to sell books, obviously.

* We can't imagine there's a place in Mexico with more surveillance cameras per square meter than Querétaro, yet somehow we're not on the Webcams of Mexico site. (Incidentally, does anyone know of any QRO webcams?)

* Here's something for the anti-bullfight crowd.

* Speaking of unfair fights, a team of Mexican toastmasters (yes, that's really a job) just claimed the world record for Longest Marathon Speech. Amazing.

* The local rag's cover story in today's Fine Dining section:

* "A cityscape with the color and curves of a tortilla."

* Via Tex[t]-Mex, Mexakitsch. (We love that that's really a sentence.)

* Cantinflas, the Lucille Ball of Mexico, turned 100 this month - just like Lucille Ball! He's also dead, just like Ball. And, just like "ball," his name is actually a dictionary word.

* If you need us, we'll be in the toilet horesman's.

* Can we just posit that any chica who would trade her virginity for Justin Beiber tickets is probably not a virgin?

* Cheesecake Week Grand Finale: All the bikini photos of this years Miss Mexico contestants right here. This year's theme appears to be "A Salute to Rhinoplasty."

Cheesecake Week: One For The Ladies

Here's a gaggle of hardbodied male strippers gyrating away at an office party in Guadalajara last month. Which office, you ask?



Duh! The Sex Crimes Unit of the Mexican Justice Dept. Haven't you learned anything about Mexico from reading this site?

(Thanks to Erin for sending this weeks ago. We've had something of a backlog.)

Cheesecake Week Continues

We think we know how Miss Querétaro 2008 spent her winnings...

These Enormous Silicone Breasts Are, In Fact, Genuinely Relevant to This Post About Books and Chess

It's Cheesecake Week here at Burro Hall, a transparent attempt to apologize for having posted that video of dozens of sanmiguelenses frolicking naked. It's in that spirit of reconciliation that we bring you the news of Britain's Greatest Living Author, Katie "Jordan" Price, and her recent failed attempt to break the world record for the Largest-Ever Book Signing. Ms. Price's loss is Mexico's gain, as we retain retain the record, set in 2006, when chess champ Anatoly Karpov signed 1,951 copies of his book in an eight-hour sitting here.

We of course can't quite believe there's an official world record for this, but even more baffling is that 1,951 Mexicans lined up to (a) buy a book (b) by Anatoly Karpov. We haven't been able to find out which book it is, but a check of his titles leads us to believe it was either Caro Kann Defence: Advance Variation and Gambit System, or Chess and the Art of Negotiation, which makes the whole "1,951 Mexicans standing in line for eight hours" thing that much more remarkable.(Except that there was a chance to break a world record involved, so maybe not.)

Elderly, Toothless, Drooling and Naked

Yet not quite as soul-chilling as the previous post, right?

Where the Wild Things Are

Are you getting sick of cute perro pictures yet? Really? Okay, well here's something completely different. If you're still a regular reader of this site, it means you've stuck with us through three cringe-inducing postings about "San Miguel Flash mob" this winter, and you can be forgiven for thinking this next item is specifically designed to drive you away from Burro Hall forever. All we can say is, no, that's not our intention. It is, however, probably what will happen, and we can't really say that we'd blame you.

What could be so horrible? Our old traveling-companion Spencer Tunick paid a visit to San Miguel de Allende recently. And there's video. Seriously NSFW video. And when you see it, you'll never be able to unsee it.



Still want to complain about the perro's droopy tongue?

Failed State, Unable to Care for Itself, Pleads for Help from Better-Educated Neighbor

We'd been referring to the Failed State of Arizona as the "Venom Belt" for months (before deciding that "Bile Belt" was funnier), unaware that toxicologists had long been using the term. Apparently, in addition to all the other things that make the FSoAZ the worst place to live in America, it's also the scorpioniest state in the union. We're as amazed as you are to find them #1 at anything.

Of course, even Arizonans - a people not known for their abundance of common sense - agree that fatal scorpion stings are a bad thing. But, having been let down by the free market in their quest for an effective antivenom, and failing to leech more research dollars from the federal gub'mint, they turned to the one place that can help them:

"Mexico has been in the antivenom field for many years, and over many years we have accumulated a big experience on how to make good antivenoms," says Dr. Alejandro Alagon, a professor of biochemistry at Mexico's Autonomous National University....

"We discovered that our Mexican colleagues had pushed the technology of antivenom development way beyond what we had done in the U.S.," Boyer says....

"It's allowed us to treat patients who either could have died or been seriously ill and would have been sent to the intensive care unit," Fox says. "Now we can treat them and actually send them home from here."

Scorpion stings are only one problem, however. Across the U.S., there is a severe shortage of antivenom against all kinds of venomous animals from spiders to snakes. Currently, hospitals across the country are testing two more drugs from Instituto Bioclon. One is an antivenom to treat black widow spider bites; the other, to treat rattlesnake bites.

It's not clear to us how the anti-scorpion serum makes it over the border and into the heavily-fortified Failed State. Presumably Instituto Bioclon employs a squadron of blond, blue-eyed couriers with their papers conspicuously in order. We would never wish a deadly scorpion sting on anyone, of course, but it would be funny to watch Sheriff Arpaio trying to decide whether to take the antidote or not.

Upside Down World

Root, Root, Root for the Home Team

Seems to us that anyone who can lose $6.7 billion in a week has got "honorary Red Sox fan" written all over him.

And who do we get hanging around the Sox clubhouse late in the afternoon?

Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim. The richest man in the world.

Carlos loaned the New York Times $250 million in January of 2009, which the Times is soon to repay in full. Until the debt is settled, Slim is indirectly connected to Red Sox ownership. The Times still owns 7.3 percent of the Sox, so you might say Carlos has a piece of John Henry’s team.

Slim was the man sitting closest to Terry Francona when Reddick blasted a shot into the left-field corner off Phil Hughes to win the game and the series, and give the Sox sole possession of first place in the American League East.

He actually seems to have an impressively encyclopedic knowledge of the game.

Your Lyin' Eyes

Our friends over at Gancho send along this reassuring interview with the new commander of the 17th Military Zone, who wants to make absolutely clear that there is no narco activity in Querétaro:

"Querétaro: Free of Organized Crime, Says Military"

Presumably the comandante is excluding the 840 tons of meth precursors seized in Querétaro just two weeks ago by...wait for it...soldiers from the 17th Military Zone.

Other than that, though, no. No drug trade in Querétaro. Nothing to see here folks. Return to your homes.

Bicentennial Fever 2011!

A big Burro Hall shout-out to the glass, steel and translucent stone monument to the Bicentennial known as the "Trail of Light," for capturing the essence of Mexico circa 2011.

Spectacularly over budget, embarrassingly behind schedule (the Bicentennial was last September), excessively reliant on foreign suppliers, surrounded by defensive and incompetent bureaucrats, laughed at by its countrymen and, like the Torre Latinoamericana before it, basically a rip-off of a New York City landmark, "Trail of Light" is, in our opinion, the apotheosis of Mexicanismo, right down to the misguided foreign press coverage.

More here.

Bonus Crowbar Award Nominee: Kudos to the Beeb for this:

The Trail of Light... is meant to be a legacy for future generations, a symbol of hope in a country troubled by gang-related violence.

The drug conflict that has killed more than 30,000 people since late 2006, when the Mexican government launched a war on the cartels.

Awesome.

Kicking It Up a Notch

Our Photo Department recently increased its budget (though not its talent) by 1000 percent, so while we're still filling space with cute dog pix while slaving for The Man, we're going to be filling it with better cute dog pix.

Better Filler: That's our promise to you.

Dept. of Redundancy Department

Querétaro held a Zombie Walk this weekend, in case anyone was wondering what a Mexican city full of bloody, decomposing corpses might look like.

inqro.com photo