What Happens When You Build Your Country Atop An Old Indian Burial Ground

Quick: Mexican news photo or storefront Halloween display?

Tough one, isn't it? When you live in a country where they dig up skeletons every day, where fear is constant, the ghosts of the past are ever-present and people hold family outings in the local graveyard; in a city teeming with 18th Century historical reenactors, Don Quixote impersonators, mariachis, luchadors, cowboys on horseback, Indians in feathers and loincloths, and streets that are overrun with children begging for treats, about the only way you notice it's Halloween is that suddenly, one night, some kids are dressed as vampires.

Happy Sexyween

It's Halloween again! Seems like every year it catches on a little more here, but the whole "women dress like extra slutty" rule is definitely not in full effect. If you want slutty Mexican senoritas, it's best to do your Halloween shopping in the US...

Probably the most unsettling thing about the "Miss Matador" costume is how much it resembles the actual costume bullfighters wear in the ring. We never realized quite how flimsy they are.

Miss Matador

The image of what Emiliano Zapata would look like as a sexy chick is so alluring, it sold out.

Sexy Senorita

"Shooting" isn't quite as sexy on this side of the border, but okay.

Sexy Shooter

We're not certain what a "Mexican Princess" is, since there's no royal family here, but we admire the honesty of filing this costume under "cheap."

Cheap Mexican Princess

Did we mention it's snowing in New York right now?

Mexican Flag Bikini

"Dame of the Dead." Mmmm...necrophilia!
 

The Dame of the Dead

We're pretty sure this is the worst flamenco costume ever.

Flamenco Dancer

And of course our favorite, the "Fat Gay Nazi Gringo Hotel Promoter."

Sh*t My Dad Says

Sweet Justice

The big news here in Smallville today is the discovery and seizure by federal agents of 40 tons of contraband sugar. We assumed "sugar" was some Mexican street term for Peruvian marching powder, but no, someone actually robbed forty (40) tons of sugar, and was brought down by a federal investigation., at it's on the front page of the newspaper.

Sometimes, the only way we can tell Querétaro from Springfield is by the number of fingers people have.



 Update: Same paper, different page. A three-eyed fish is found in the water near a nuke plant in Argentina... just like in The Simpsons!
 

Going Bearback

Amusingly, this has nothing to do with Halloween.

Dept. of Corrections

A few years ago we wrote about a statue of Ignacio Peréz [right], the Pablo Revere of Mexico, who rode from Querétaro to Dolores to warn Miguel Hidalgo that the independence plot had been compromised. For this act of amazing heroism in service of the Mexican nation, Peréz is largely forgotten today, save for this one statute.  And, as we wrote:

Adding insult to injury, he's facing the wrong way - unless the statue commemorates his slinking back into Querétaro a few days later.

Well, we're happy to report that at least one historical wrong has been righted. The traffic island upon which the statute sat was recently torn up and replaced as part of Gov. Calzada's "Let's Spend All The Money In the Treasury!" initiative. The statue's base got the full "Pimp My Plinth" treatment, and when Peréz was returned to it last week, someone had the bright idea to face him the right way, towards the state of Guanajuato.

Unfortunately, the view from Querétaro's Centro Historico is now of a horse's ass in full flight, right about eye-level (he was no filly, if youknowwhatimean!), but sometimes the truth isn't pretty.

The Great Gig in The Bajío

We're not sure if this is beyond awesome or the worst idea ever, but tonight the Querétaro Philharmonic Orchestra is playing the works of Pink Floyd.

We think we'll wait for the inevitable cellphone videos to be posted. In the meantime, here's our coverage of "QSO Does Queen" from 2007.

What Could Possibly Go Wrong? (Follow-up)

Yes, that's an extension ladder resting on a plank suspended between a parapet and a scaffold tower, about 30 feet off the ground. We swear, they're just doing this to make us write about them.

But hey, credit where it's due. Since we're always pointing out how wretchedly inefficient the Mexican workforce can be, we're proud to report that two guys, using buckets and paintbrushes, did the entire front of the church in like a day and a half. It was amazing. And then, because it's Mexico, they repainted it four times over the next two weeks, just to keep the project behind schedule.

Mole Men

Sorry for the lack of what the corporate shills call "content," but The Man's been guilty of unnecessary roughness this week.  We'll try to claw our way back to normal soon.  So, we're a couple days late noting this piece from the hometown paper, which picks up on a thought we had during the whole (Totally Awesome) Zetas/Iran thingy, where a guy wanted to hire a Zeta hitman but instead hired a DEA informant working inside the Zetas - and we thought, "Weeping Jesus, the DEA has informants inside the fucking Zetas?"

Yes.  Yes, they do.

American law enforcement agencies have significantly built up networks of Mexican informants that have allowed them to secretly infiltrate some of that country’s most powerful and dangerous criminal organizations, according to security officials on both sides of the border.

...Typically, the officials said, Mexico is kept in the dark about the United States’ contacts with its most secret informants — including Mexican law enforcement officers, elected officials and cartel operatives — partly because of concerns about corruption among the Mexican police, and partly because of laws prohibiting American security forces from operating on Mexican soil.

Holy living fuck.  Not only are these guys wedged deep inside some of the most sociopathic organizations in the entire world (click here for video of two guys getting their heads chainsawed off [caveat: don't]), but the government of Mexico doesn't know they're there, and (presumably) if shit goes down, the US government will deny they're on our team?  Holy living fuck.  You'd think these guys would be easy to make because the clanking of their enormous brass balls would give them away.

It's ironic: these guys are probably more deserving of a narcocorrido than any of the jefes, but no one would write them one for fear of having their heads chainsawed off.

Getcha Motor Runnin'...

Testosterone Alert! Querétaro has a bike gang! (Actually, two - there's another called the Vikings.) Unlike American bike gangs, Japanese bikes are apparently allowed, helmet laws are strictly obeyed, and poll-cue beatings are kept to a bare minimum.

Sh*t My Dad Says

An Embarrassing Admission

Apologies for the long break here - two reasons: (1) the trip from Boston to Querétaro takes about as long as the Shackleton Expedition, though without the sub-zero temperatures and the relentless diet of seal meat, and (2) what, you're not getting your money's worth out of this blog?  Fuck you.

So, the Carrera Panamericana is passing through the region right now.  We've written a few things about this before, and have taken a casual interest in auto racing[*],  but we were a little surprised when driving through the state of Guanajuato today to suddenly find ourselves being passed on the shoulder by a series of barely street-legal Porsches held together with corporate decals.

The road to Celeya, 2PM

"Hmm," we said to ourselves, "I assumed they took the precaution of closing the roads to traffic during this transnational, 300-car auto race."  Then we laughed and laughed and laughed and felt slightly embarrassed.  Of course they run the race right through civilian traffic in the middle of the day, with no police escort or traffic detours whatsoever.  This is Mexico!  Honestly, we can't even begin to explain why we would have assumed this.  It's like we haven't been awake a single moment of the last five years. 

* Personal History Bonus: We take a casual interest in auto racing only because our very first job in TV was cobbling together scripts for a Nashville Network series called Winners, starting racing legend Neil Bonnett, who's ill-advised return to the track after a devastating narcolepsy-inducing head injury ended the way anyone not suffering from a narcolepsy-inducing head injury might have predicted.  Anyway, thanks to the magic of YouTube, you can marvel at the wordcraft we applied to Winners: Jeff Gordon back when George Bush Sr. was still president.

Hora Isn't Just the Spanish Word for 'Hour'

Sábado Gigante will be preempted today while we attend a bat mitzvah - which, for our Mexican readers unfamiliar with the 0.04% of their Hebraic countrymen, is like a First Communion for Jews (you can read more here). We tried to bring along our favorite accordionist, but we couldn't get him an artist's visa, and frankly, the kid couldn't find his way around a klezmer tune if you moved his fingers over the keyboard and squeezed the bellows for him.

Hasta pronto.

Polopalooza

About six months ago we went shopping for cheap knockoffs of Ralph Lauren's "Narco-Polo" rags (we were hoping to start our own little wannabe cartel), but balked at the absurd $30 asking price - more than we would normally pay for a shirt, let alone a made-in-China counterfeit purchased in the Mexican tianguis.   But then today in a shopping mall in Massachusetts we saw the real thing on sale in Macy's for $145.  We simply had no idea one could purchase a polo shirt for $145.  No wonder these things are a favorite of the narcos (though we assume they're buying cheap Mexican knockoffs themselves).  They're probably made of pure cocaine.

Travel Day

We're heading to El Norte for the quarterly meeting of fat gay Nazi hotel/condo promoters, so posting might be light for a couple of days. The perro, who aside from his usual urine-soaked paws problem had managed the almost unprecedented (for a dog) feat of stepping in dog poop (triple bonus points: it was his own) needed a vigorous bathing before he could be handed off to the sitter. Here he is staring out from the shower door while waiting for someone to bring him a towel. And a carrot daiquiri.

A Drunkard's Dream If I Ever Did See One

Congratulations, ladies of Querétaro, for being the most alcoholic in all of Mexico! At least according to the state Secretary of Health, who cites no data, and seems to confuse "alcohol consumption" and "alcoholism," which is the kind of mistake maybe a layman would make, but you'd hope maybe not the Secretary of Health. Anyway, we could split hairs from now until last call. The point is, y'all drink way more than you ought to. Salud!

Great Moments in Composition & Layout

The conservative Mayor of Querétaro, the Director of Public Works, and the other luminaries photographed at the opening of some architectural project in town probably wish their photo were further away from the front-page "THEY CALL FOR GAY MARRIAGE" headline in today's Diario de Querétaro.

Hell on Wheels

The pope's coming to Querétaro! No, not the Nazi one, the dead one. Okay, not really the whole dead one, but a little piece of him nonetheless.

Queretanos will be able to venerate the relics of the beatified John Paul II as of December 12, according to the archdiocese spokesman Saúl Ragoitia Vega. The presence of a vial of the pope's blood will inspire the population to travel with him on the road to sainthood.

That the relics of the world's biggest Guadalupe-groupie will arrive here on the Virgen's Feast Day is a point of special pride for the city. It turns out, the papal platelets have been on tour around Mexico since mid-August, when they were apparently sent here by the Vatican to fight crime.

AFP (10 Aug 2011) - A vial containing the late pope John Paul II's blood will soon be winging its way to Mexico in a bid to help bring down crimes rates in the largely Catholic country, Vatican Radio reported Wednesday. An episcopal conference in Mexico has requested that the relic be sent over and, the official radio reported, the 'relic' will arrive in the country on August 17...

We don't mean to appear ungrateful, but since the holy hemoglobin arrived in Mexico, there have been approximately 5,300 homicides. Perhaps the Vatican has another bucketful they could ship over?

Unless television has been lying to us all these years, the key to successful crime-fighting is a sweet-ass set of wheels, and in this, the immaculate immune-globulin is all hooked up.  We thought it'd be coming in the stylish silver chalice we saw at the beatification this year, but in fact it's encased in a life-sized wax sculpture of his dead body, mounted in a rolling, all-glass coffin like the one the long-dead Don Bosco rode into town a year ago.

As anyone from Madam Tussaud's can tell you, anyone crafting a replica of a long-lived celebrity encounters what we'd call the "skinny Elvis / fat Elvis" conundrum.  We have no idea where one goes to have something like this made, but the artists seem to have split the difference and gone with a distinguished late-mid-career look - think Godfather-era Brando. 

We're planning to visit Wojtyła's white cells just as soon as their tour schedule is made public.  That could be a while, though.  The Querétaro archdiocese is planning to form a "commission" to plan the vampiric vessel's visit.  (Agenda Item #1: Enormous blood-filled likeness of pope coming to town; what to do?  Item #2: Lunch.)

We assume the commission has yet to be formed because (a) Dec 12 is still eight weeks away and this is Mexico, and (b) because we haven't been contacted to serve on it.   Surely the archdiocese is aware that the executive editor of this blog is himself a "quaternary relic" of His Late Holiness.  To proceed without the benefit of our wise council would be galling indeed.  (Though, now that we think of it, that may be a bodily fluid better suited to our temperament.)

Sh*t My Dad Says

Great Moments in Image Management

And the award for the Convenience Store Least Likely to Be Held Up at Gunpoint goes to...

Crazy in Cuernavaca

Sigh.  We promised ourselves we wouldn't waste any more time on this stuff, but it turns out our ululating commenter from Baja has a blog of her own, upon which she has posted a keening jeremiad about us because... well, it's not exactly clear why. She wants it to be known that she has never read this site (though she has commented here 13 times), and that she's going to tell the world - or at least the LA Times and San Diego Union Tribune - how we are "business associates" of two people we've never met, though what business she thinks we're engaged in is not exactly clear. (She does at one point call us "bullshit promoters" - which, if the first word is meant as a noun, we may have to cop to.)

After a few paragraphs of that read like they were written first in Elvish and then run through Google Translate, she unleashes her devastating indictment (which we'll admit has kind of an enjoyable, Beat-poetic feel to it):

check out this article he writes for a travel site which was used by a Cuernavaca Hotel site for marketing purposes for a Hotel in Cuernavaca, and I wonder how much Frank was paid to write this...

Busted, Daddy-O!  Okay, we confess.  Back in the winter of 2009 we contributed a piece, remuneration-free (it was really just two pasted-together blog posts), riffing on the US State Dept.'s statistics on American deaths in Mexico, to a site called "The Truth About Mexico." Apparently, like a year and a half later, some bed & breakfast in Cuernavaca linked to it on their website. Ergo, ipso-facto and may it please the court... well, something.

But then... the Perry Mason moment!

And yet during this time period this is what was happening in Cuernavaca...

And here follow links to BBC, LA Times, and MSNBC articles about violence in Cuernavaca - two of which were written more than a year after our piece (which, as would be obvious to anyone not smoking crack, had nothing to do with Cuernavaca in the first place). Above this she copies a picture of a suspect being 'detained by Marines' in Cuernavaca from the MSNBC story, and captions it:

Oh, SNAP! Actually, crazy person, we linked to that very article earlier this year - which was the second time we'd mentioned that particular story. And we beat the BBC to the "people being hanged in Cuernavaca" story by a good four months, posting a rather graphic image that, wow, we guess you kind of missed, huh?

Actually, we know she missed it because her blog, which has been around for over five years and concerns itself almost exclusively with stories of murder and mayhem, has never before mentioned the word "Cuernavaca" until she took out her fingerpaints and wrote a post accusing us of being paid shills for the city.

The only conclusion we can draw from this is that her "blog" is in fact a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Cuernavaca Tourist Board, created at the behest of the powerful bed & breakfast lobby for the express purpose of deflecting attention away from the city's dangers by focusing on Baja California.  We won't allow our respected brand to be associated with hustlers like that, and would ask her to stop writing about us immediately, lest we be tarred by association with her money-making "bullshit-promotion" schemes.

Update: Sorry... we just can't let go.  We should, but we can't.

So, after making the point repeatedly, in this post and elsewhere that we, unlike her, are secretly ultra-conservative right-wing fascists (gay Nazis, in fact) who are only pretending to have liberal leanings (which, if true, should leave everyone agog at the length and breadth of the con we've been running, starting with our seventh grade social studies teacher), she ends her critique of our critique of the State Dept.'s critique of Mexico with:

How could someone... contend that they know what's better for everyone than the U.S. State Department?

How, indeed? Why, from Condi Rice to Abrahms, Negroponte & friends, to Kissinger, John Foster Dulles, Henry Lane Wilson, to Nicholas Trist and all the way back to Joel Poinsett - has there ever been a greater assemblage of intellectual and ideological brain power focused on doing what's good and right for Latin America than the United States Department of State? Anyone who would question their collective wisdom and authority has simply got to be a right-wing stooge.

And with that, Clio, the Muse of History, retires to the bath with a bottle of bourbon and locks the door behind her. 

UPDATE #2: The Cuernavaca Tourist Board has apparently ordered our right-wing friend to type many words in response to this post, some of which you will recognize as being in English. We've reprinted those many words in comments.

Flipping Out

A while back, we remarked on the prevalence of volcaduras - cars flipping over in accidents. In all our years in the US, we can probably count on our fingers the number of completely overturned cars we saw, not counting the times the Celtics won the NBA title. Here, we see them all the time. Case in point, a picture from our local paper from a one-car accident in the university parking lot:

Seriously? In a parking lot? We've done some reckless driving in our day, but is it even possible to exceed 20 miles per hour in a parking lot? We'd have to wait for the research interns to come in on Monday, but we're tentatively prepared to say this in the only recorded instance of a car flipping over in an enclosed parking lot. Even in Mexico.

Sábado Gigante

* Querétaro understands that if you want people to be comfortable living in a police state, you've got to get them acclimated from an early age, so the city is distributing transparent backpacks to schoolkids to help facilitate drug-and-firearms inspections, even though we're not aware of any such problem in the elementary schools around here. Meanwhile, as local scandals go, "State Police Coordinator accused of rape" is a pretty juicy one.

* “A multimedia team from UNC-Chapel Hill collaborated with students from Monterrey Tec University to create an online documentary project that explores the untold stories of a country know for its dangerous reputation."

* On the other hand: "Among state societies, the most violent appears to have been Aztec Mexico, in which 5 percent of people were killed by others."

* We're big fans of Laura Carlsen, but we think she's working too hard here trying to prove that the Zetas had nothing to do with the Iranian terror plot. The proof that they had no dealings with Iran is the fact that, well, they had no dealings with Iran. (Unlike, say, the guys who bankroll the Tea Party.)

* Mexican American drug lord "La Barbie" is on a hunger strike over paperwork problems that are hampering his conjugal visits. We're not sure we've ever seen a more perfect distillation of the Mexican justice system than the preceding sentence.

* There's corruption here! Round up the usual suspects.

* Juárez tries promoting its sunnier side. It's going as well as you'd expect.

* Jefe Diego announces he's not running for president, thus wasting a perfectly good fake kidnapping.

* Rick Perry, job-creation machine: "Mexican drug cartels recruiting Texas teens."

* Texas border congressmen deny the border is a war-zone. Though now that Machete's Steven Seagal is patrolling it, there'll probably be a lot of bloodshed.

* That famous arsenal in Juárez turns out to contain some pieces from the ATF's "Fast and Furious" collection. Buy American!

* Enrique Krauze: "Can This Poet Save Mexico?" Probably not, but worth reading.

* Krauze's Clio.tv video archive is here.

* Awesome - more gringos! Mexican tourism up 1.8%.

* "2 severed heads found in Mexico City with message." Really, isn't two severed heads enough of a message on its own?

* The Comment of the Week comes via email from someone who enjoys reading our blog:

I enjoy reading your blog! But you usually think it's better to point out bad things about Mexico instead of the good. You think we're a stupid and ignorant country... you could always go back to your own."

* Last week's Commenter of the Week writes in to reiterate the fact that we're really, really fat, and to clarify one point: "YOU'RE A FUCKIN LIAR I NEVER SAID I WAS GOING TO KILL YOUR CHILDREN, I SAID I HOPE THEY GET OBLITERATED." Burro Hall regrets the error. And being fat.

* Behold, the "Earthscraper."

* Carlos Santana is playing a benefit in León tonight, if you're in the area.

* Mexican immigrant in Chicago launches first Latino microbrewery in the US. Something tells us this stuff would never sell here.

* Failed-State-of-Arizonans unable to pronounce Spanish name correctly. This probably explains why they got rid of the accent police.

* Meanwhile, the FSoAZ's real police get outsmarted by a scam right out of the Bugs Bunny playbook.

* Plaza Mexico announces the 2011-12 bullfight season.

* Dept. of Freak Injuries: Bull kills guy who isn't a bullfighter; bullfighter gored by thing that isn't a bull.

* South Park imagines an America without Messicans.

* Drunk Florida Man Tries to Use Taco as ID After His Car Catches Fire at Taco Bell.

* America in simpler, whiter times:

What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

This is gonna end badly.

Worlds Collide; Nudity Ensues

Our first job out of college 20 years ago was an internship that mostly involved fetching not-yet-famous author Michael Pollan's lunch (usually a three-pack of Hostess Sno-Balls and a 16 oz. Coke, to which he would add two packets of Sweet'N Low before shaking vigorously). Sure, the job sucked, but it paid zero dollars a week, and launched us on a sporadic magazine-writing career that would net us almost $8,000 over the next two decades. Anyway, we were out gettin' all cultured an' stuff the other day, and were amused to see one of our old boss's biggest-sellers incorporated into this tasteful nude hanging in Querétaro's Galeria Libertad.

We don't know art, but we know what we like.

Shoot to Thrill

No trip to Culiacán is complete without a tour through the army's cache of confiscated weapons. This takes up the better part of a large warehouse in the zona militar. A lot of it looks like captured booty from Pancho Villa's day.

But that's because the keep the good stuff locked up in a caged area off to the side.

We have big fancy guns in the US, of course (where do you think most of these came from?) But it's the smaller, more personal pieces that are the most interesting. Chances are, if the person across from you pulls out a gold-embossed pistol, you're going to die in the next few minutes.

And if they pull out a piece engraved with iconic quotations from "Scarface," you're definitely about to die. And probably have the video posted on YouTube.

Finally it's Burro Hall Xmas Gift Suggestion time! For the assassin who has everything, why not a solid-gold silencer? Order now, while supplies last.

"Silencer is golden."

Republican Candidate Sees Non-Mexican Terror Plot Foiled By Mexican As Excellent Reason to Crack Down on Mexicans

Well, this didn't take long....

Perry Says Iranian Terror Plot Proves America Must Secure Its Southern Border

Texas Gov. Rick Perry said Wednesday an Iranian-backed terror plot coordinated in Mexico proves the U.S. must secure its southern border, an attempt to shore up his standing among Republicans on immigration.

The Republican presidential hopeful used Tuesday’s announcement that Iranian forces had sought to assassinate the Saudi ambassador to the U.S. to call for more border troops, improved fencing along the Mexican border and increased border patrols including the use of predator drone surveillance.

...Perry appeared to use the terror plot as a chance to pivot on his key stumbling point with Republican voters: immigration. Perry has slid in national polling since he spent the better part of last month defending his approval of in-state college tuition for illegal immigrants in Texas.

(To answer the famous billboard's question: In the context of Texas governors with presidential aspirations, yes.)

Mascotas Perdidas

It's been a while since we've posted some of the lost pet fliers taped up around town. The number crunchers downstairs in our Reader Demographics Dept. tell us this is a waste of time, since the vast majority of you live well outside of Querétaro, but, hey... you never know.

"Camila," a West Highland Terrier missing since Aug 2. She has a microchip, which tells you all you need to know about the efficacy of microchips. The note at the bottom says, "Imagine if a member of your family disappeared.  How would you feel? [frowny face]"

"Muñeca" the chihuahua has been missing since July 25 - long enough for her photo to have faded off the page.

"Frijol" - "I have kidney problems.... I will be happy to get home"

Seriously? A dog the size of a fucking Shetland pony is missing? The sign says he has one blue eye and one brown, so that's how you can distinguish him from all the other unaccompanied Great Danes wandering around town. Sorry guys, this one left home on purpose. We kind of want to imagine he's teamed up with one of the chihuahuas and they're riding the rails together. Disney screenwriters take note.

And one for humans:

Lisset - the phone numbers are for Baja, so we can understand why she ran away.  But if you see her, call. 

Boom Boom, Out Go The Lights

Yikes! Semana Culiacana is running way behind schedule. Sorry about that. Anyway, having done several posts about how safe (if a bit creepy) the town was, we should probably point out that there were 18 murders the week we were there. (Querétaro, which is about the same size, had zero.) But of course these things never seem to happen when you're standing around with a tv camera, so the closest we got was the aftermath of a hit about two miles from where we were staying. Here's the riveting narrative:

Dude was driving down the street. Pickup truck was driving the other way. As they passed each other, pickup truck emptied a clip in the dude's head. Dude's dead.

Nice grouping!

Readers seeking snuff-porn (you know who you are) will have to go elsewhere. (Okay, fine - here. Sheesh.) We arrived on the scene a little less than an hour after the shooting, by which point the body was gone, the car was hitched to a tow truck, the broken glass had been swept up and the cops' primary concern was getting traffic flowing again.

Anything resembling a "forensic investigation" had either been completed and cleaned up with out a trace in less than an hour, or never happened in the first place. Amazingly, four weeks later, there don't appear to have been any breaks in the case.

Can't Blame Fox News This Time

We warned yesterday that some media outlets would probably (through either malice or carelessness) make it look like Mexican criminals were involved in a terror plot on US soil. But we really didn't think our shitty local paper would be among them. Today's banner headline: "US Foils Zeta Attack."

Sigh. And El Universal's "US Links Narco To Terrorist Plot" isn't much better.

Mexbollah

Over the past couple of years we've had occasion to push back against the idea that Middle Eastern terrorists are establishing bases in Mexico.  This has been pimped by such intellectual luminaries as Mike Huckabee, Rep. Sue Myrick, the Heritage Foundation, unnamed "former intelligence agents," and the Failed State of Arizona's Tuscon Police Dept., which issued a fantastic memo [pdf] explaining how any Latino with a machine gun tattoo should be considered Hezbollah.

A lot of this "Mexbollah" stuff seems to hang on a July 2010 Kuwaiti news report claiming a Hezbollah operative named Jameel Nasr had been arrested in Tijuana. Okay, first of all, who hasn't been arrested in Tijuana once or twice? But also, neither US nor Mexican officials have ever confirmed such an arrest took place, according to, of all places, Fox News.

So we were ready to eat a big helping of sauteed crow this afternoon when the news broke that the U.S. Accuses Iranians of Plotting to Kill Saudi Envoy!

Mr. Holder said the plot began with a meeting in Mexico in May, “the first of a series that would result in an international conspiracy by elements of the Iranian government” to pay $1.5 million to murder the ambassador on United States soil.

...Details offered by the Justice Department painted a picture of a dizzying international plot involving Mexican drug cartels, murder-for-hire and large sums of money being transferred from unknown locations.

Uh-oh.

Of course, what actually happened is exactly the opposite of a Mexico-Hezbollah axis, and the Paper of Record really needs to clean up its sloppy language, if only to appease the Lebanese-Mexican guy who owns 8% of the company.

According to the complaint, other conspirators based in Iran were aware of and approved the plan, which involved hiring men connected to a Mexican drug cartel to carry out the killing.

Yes, that was the plan. But according to the actual complaint [pdf], the plan bore no relation to reality because the "Mexican drug cartel" connection the Iranian was dealing with was in fact a DEA informant, who tipped the FBI off to the whole scheme.

Keep this in mind of the next few days (or a year or two from now when it comes up again) whenever you hear about Iran plotting to use Mexican drug cartel assassins to launch terror attacks in the US: the only "Mexican" involved was the guy who exposed the plot while on the US government's payroll.

Judging from the complaint, the cartel in question would appear to be the Zetas (which ABC News seems to have confirmed). The Zetas - excuse us, the TOTALLY AWESOME Zetas!! - are kinda ubiquitous around here. They're in the news every day, either because they killed a couple dozen people or a couple dozen of them got killed by the Army or another gang, or because they've branched out into some other criminal enterprise like extortion or bootleg DVDs. You need a Zeta? Hold on a minute, we'll go get you one. Shit, we probably talked to three or four today without even knowing it. Maybe that's where the spare cat went.

But Manssor Arbabsiar, (allegedly) on a mission from the Iranian government to hire a Zeta to kill the Saudi Ambassador to the US, goes deep into Zeta country looking for a Zeta, and walks right up to a DEA informant. Thank you, Mr. Arbabsiar, for reminding us all that "evil" and "genius" are a rare combination indeed.

Plus, seriously - it's a little too soon for these two countries to put the bad feelings behind them and conduct joint terrorist operations:

Update: It would seem that as we were writing this, Mr. Slim put in a call to the NY Times copy desk, since much of the language we quote above has been modified.