Wednesday, June 13, 2012

A Modest Proposal: Fuck You, Mexico

[UPDATE, For people who have only read halfway and gotten the wrong idea: The perro's fine. Our thanks to the self-correcting blogosphere.  We continue.]

We've written over 2,900 posts here over the years, just about all of them complimentary of Mexico - or, at worst, playfully antagonistic.  (We're not counting the early-morning-fireworks posts; those are written with a heart full of hate.)  That's why we never thought we'd find ourselves saying this.  But here goes:

Fuck you, Mexico.  Fuck you so fucking hard.  ¿Y tú Mamá?  Fuck her, tambien

Are we forgetting anyone?  Oh, yeah - every fucking airline that fucking flies to Mexico: fuck you, too.



Okay, let us back up a bit.  A couple of recent comments here by CM Mayo - our go-to expert for all things Mexican pug-related - alerted us to the fact that United (one of the two airlines serving Querétaro "International" Airport) no longer allows in-cabin pets.  But we had just flown from Houston to Newark sandwiched between two people with in-cabin dogs, so we just assumed that, like most of our commenters here, she was drunk or crazy or both.  Sadly - and we knew this in our hearts - Madame Mayo is never wrong.

We're standing at the intersection of corporate America and official Mexico, so we're dealing with the informational equivalent of a 50 car pileup, but basically, sometime in the last few weeks, the Mexican government passed a new rule; or started to enforce an old rule; or completely ignored the existence of an old rule, which was then discovered by the airlines and exploited to maximize profits; or just woke up one morning and said, "Hey, how can we make the folks at Burro Hall hate our fucking guts?"  Whatever happened, the bottom line at the moment is that pets are no longer able to fly in the cabin on any flight to or from Mexico.

(An heroic attempt at untangling this clusterfuck can be found here.  The anti-corporate take on it is here.)

Regular readers will be familiar with our rather tedious ability to make an enormous fucking deal out of any small problem, but this is no small problem.  For the perro, there are now just two ways out of Mexico.  The first is to to take this elderly, highly neurotic creature, who suffers from some DSM-IV-level separation anxiety issues, and put him in a cage in the baggage hold of the plane.  The fact that most airlines will not guarantee your pet's survival is irrelevant: he would die of a massive heart attack the minute we put him on the conveyer belt.

The second is to travel over land, which, aside from the hassle of increasing travel time to New York from six hours to six days, would involve traversing a stretch of road now affectionately referred to as "The Highway of Death." Needless to say, we would die of a massive heart attack the minute we saw an SUV with tinted windows.  And the perro would die in the ensuing crash. 

So there we are.  Unless we hire a coyote to walk him through the Failed State of Arizona desert - a plan that would be more promising if he were able to circle the block without sitting down -  the perro will remain in Mexico forever.  Don't get us wrong, he loves it here, but it's better when that sort of thing is voluntary.

Did we mention fuck you, Mexico?


Dave said...

Eloquence fails me at the moment...that just sucks.

Pobre perro ;o(

Anonymous said...

Hundreds, maybe a thousand, winter residents here in Southern Baja are equally freaking out. Perhaps in time, enough noise will again... change the rules. Until that time, Que lastima!

Anonymous said...

If you read the United Airlines Pet Policy, they also restrict pugs from travel between 15 May to 15 September as cargo due to heat concerns.

You're missing the obvious solution: Get some really dark shades and a white cane, and take Pugsley with you onboard as your guide dog. We want photos when this happens!

Byron said...

You need a dog sitter. El Perro will be okay with enough treats and enough pointers prior to your departure, such as he likes his belly rubbed after he pees on his feet, etc.
We're available, let us know your sked.

Come on. You can beat these guys at their game without getting your FM3 pulled

Anonymous said...

A little pajarito just told me that it might be good for all flying gringos & Mexicans with pets who want / need to go in-cabin on international flights to tweet politely (skip the scary words, OK?) but insistently (English OK) to this address ASAP:!/DionisioPerezJ

In other words,

Check it out, folks. This is the twitter for the
Secretario de Comunicaciones y Transportes de México
México ·

Get some hashtags going!

Anonymous said...

Anonymous #2, "If you read the United Airlines Pet Policy..." you are wrong, the enforcement / interpretation of the rule in Mexico changed a couple of weeks ago for international flights. This really is the deal, you really cannot take your pet in-cabin at all anywhere in or out of Mexico, and it really is a huge problem for many people who used to be able to come and go for the season with their small / elderly pets.

Amiga del Lorax said...

Anonymous replying to Anonymous #2, reads to me like you needed a little coffee before hitting the send button. What he was saying is, no pets in cargo in the summer months. Yep, that is so. So! It is either we tweet (etc etc) our protest or (I hate to say "and/or") prepare to convoy to and from the border.

Truly the ban on pets-in-cabin in and out of Mexico is an incomprehensible policy.

Burro Hall said...

We appreciate the vigorous conversation, but just to restate, the cargo-hold policies are irrelevant here. Eyes on the ball, people.

Anonymous said...

Seemingly the piece of law that prohibits animals in cabin in all flights in Mexico dates back from 1950, but it was never rigorously enforced. Perro will be fine in a cage.

Anonymous said...

In reply to above comment: A cage!!!! Below!!!! R U MAD?!?!?

Anonymous said...

Suggestion: find a private pilot going your way and let the pet chip in for fuel

Miami Mimi said...

The unending hell. But at least there are pugs.