Sunday, June 24, 2012

The Patsy

Yes, Marina is a girl's name, but in Mexico it means "Marines," and they're basically the shock troops in the War on Drugs.  They move in hard and they move in fast, and when they get their man, their man stays got.  When they took down Arturo Beltrán Leyva in Cuernavaca a few years ago, they rolled in 200 strong and set off a two-hour firefight that left four dead.

"This can not be happening..."
We can only imagine how the shit went down when the Marina captured the son of Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzmán a couple days ago.

Jesus Guzman and the other detainee, Kevin Beltran Rios, also accused of belonging to the Sinaloa cartel, were transferred to Mexico City, and paraded in front of the media.

A spokesman for the Mexican Navy, Jose Luis Vergara, said Jesus Guzman - known as "El Gordo", or "The Fat One" - was a growing force within the organisation.

"He controlled most of the Sinaloa cartel's illegal drug trade between Mexico and the United States," he said.

It is unclear whether Jesus Guzman Salazar will be tried in Mexico or extradited to the US.

Stop us if you can see where this is going, but of course the man they captured - with the help of DEA intelligence - and paraded before the assembled media (a practice that would surely be abolished in a more civilized country) was actually just a used car salesman

The man arrested Thursday as the presumed son of Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman is really Felix Beltran Leon, 23, and not Alfredo Guzman Salazar, as the Mexican Navy had presented him, the Attorney General’s Office said Friday.

...Beltran Leon’s wife, Karla Pacheco, said he is the father of a toddler and works with his mother-in-law at a used car dealership.

Like a lot of foreigners here, we have a bit of a phobia about being arrested for a crime we didn't commit, but this is Kafka as written by Woody Allen. "N-n-n-but-but you got it all wrong!  My name is-is-is-is Felix Beltrán Leon!  Drug kingpin?!?  I run a used car dealership with my mother-in-law - a horrible, horrible woman, yes, but she'd never dump a pile of headless corpses in the middle of a highway.  Hey, you fellas ever thought about how you'd look behind the wheel of a previously-owned Cadillac Escalade?  Cuz-cuz-cuz one came in yesterday, and, y'know - just when you guys burst in and threw a bag over my head and put me in manacles - so I didn't even have time to enter it into inventory.  Keys are still right there in the ignition!  Hey, where are we going? Fellas - no, really, I've got this thing about helicopters..."

Really, the only guy who had a worse couple of days than Beltrán was El Chapo himself, stuck in his heavily-fortified mountain hideaway, yelling, "Honey, I swear to God, I have no idea who this kid's father is, but it's not me!  Look at him - he doesn't even look like me!" while Mrs. Guzmán (who we imagine to be a younger, hotter version of Penelope Cruz), smashes every talavera plate in the house before moving on to the crystal champagne flutes.  

4 comments:

ElleCancun said...

things that make you go "hmmmm"...

Anonymous said...

The detainee talking about his suegra and the youngr, hotter penelope Cruz may be the funniest things I've ever read.
Sincerely yours,
Brian Dunne

Anonymous said...

What's a used car salesman doing with grenade launchers?

Burro Hall said...

I imagine he's wondering exactly the same thing. "Where did these grenade launchers come from?"