Monday, February 03, 2014

In Defense of Coca-Cola

The Super Bowl exists for exactly one reason, and that's to sell commercial space to advertisers. Apparently last night one of the advertisements was about America and included some non-white Americans singing an American song in non-American languages, upon which America's sizable population of dumb rightwingers took to their electric-powered Twitter machines (which just last week they were using to excoriate MSNBC for suggesting that dumb rightwingers might be offended by a multi-racial advertisement) to let the the Coca-Cola Company know how offended they were by their multi-racial advertisement.

We may not build things in America anymore, but we build dumb rightwingers better than most countries, don't we?  There's a movement among dumb rightwingers now to boycott Coke in favor of Pepsi.  We're not sure how Pepsico feels being the carbonated beverage maker of choice for dumb rightwingers, but once the dumb rightwingers realize that they're flocking to a company whose executive board would have been rejected from the Coke ad for being "too ethnic," and which is the parent company of Taco Bell - a company whose four word slogan contained three Spanish words! - they'll probably start dying of thirst while they try to figure out what to do.

(And for the sake of staying on topic, we'll ignore the fact that his great anti-Mexican backlash [and, really, that's what it is - you don't think they're all upset at the sound of Tagalog, do you?] happened on the 166th Anniversary of the Treaty of Guadalupe, in which America took half of Mexico's territory in a war ginned up expressly for that purpose.  But, Jesus H. Fuck, dum-dums - there's such a thing as being a sore winner, you know.)

Because we're worried that a successful Coke boycott would cause a drastic drop in diabetes and obesity among dumb rightwingers, causing them to live through more election cycles than they otherwise would have, we'd like to take the opportunity to point out a few things our dumb rightwing friend may not know about Coca-Cola.

* For years, Mexican Coke Zero contained an ingredient banned in America, that caused, among other things, "testicular atrophy." Smaller Mexican testes = fewer Mexicans.

* Mexico is the number one consumer of Coke.  By complete coincidence, it is also the fattest nation on Earth, and its number one cause of death is - gangland slayings? No. Dying in the desert while stealing American jobs? No - diabetes!  Support for Coca-Cola = fewer Mexicans!

* It seems like it was just a few weeks ago that dumb rightwingers were engaged in one of their favorite dumb causes - fighting back against the "War on Christmas."  Dumb friends, when it comes to fighting for publicly-funded Nativity scenes, you have no greater ally than your Mexican counterparts! And in Mexico, Christmas has no greater ally than Coca-Cola. Why, in the town plaza just a few hundred yards from the Burro Hall offices, Coca-Cola is literally synonymous with Christmas.

You see, dumb rightwingers, if you want fewer Mexicans singing in Super Bowl commercials, the first thing you need is fewer Mexicans.  Coke is one of - if not the #1 - enemies of Mexican public health. when you boycott them, you deprive them of the resources they need to produce more death syrup, grease the palms of corrupt local officials, and fight against laws that would curb consumption (see this excellent news report here), all of which can have only one result: more Mexicans in your Super Bowl! Did you enjoy that Chrysler ad with Bob Dylan?  Now imagine it starring Vicente Fernandez.  That's your future if you continue being dumb.

So drink up!  For AMERICA!!  (And if you can, get your hands on some of the made-in-Mexico stuff. It's way better than that corn-syrup concoction you slurp up north.)


Rick said...

Wonderful post -

DonAlbertoDoyle said...

Good to have you back, hermano. This is classic Burro Hall primo skunky bud smoke. Surprised you didn't sneak in any encomia for Richard Sherman.

Re newer post above it, just returned last night, and Ole Frijole, Ah Chihuahua, y Ay Caramba, it is LOCKDOWN CENTRAL here in the centro. Creepy and cool at the same time.