Sunday, April 27, 2014

It's Hard to Be a Saint In the City

Early this morning, Mexico's favorite child-rapist enabler was granted a full, free, and absolute pardon by Pope Francis, and was beatified as Santo Juan Pablo II.  We reposting this item from three years ago to remind you, our humble readers, that this blog is written by Holy Men, and we expect to be treated accordingly.


Yesterday we mentioned how, through the magic of papal corner-cutting, what had once been an old used skullcap laying around in a drawer here in Querétaro was now a secondary relic of the soon-to-be-Saint Juan Pablo II. We put a couple of interns on the case and learned that "primary relics" are parts of the body of the saint, while "secondary relics" are objects that have been in contact with and/or used by the saint. And "tertiary relics" are those that have touched a primary or secondary relic.

Which reminded us of this picture of our executive editor's late grandfather touching the primary relics (i.e., body parts - specifically the right hand) of His Beatitude.

Gramps - or, as we'll now be referring to him, "The Tertiary Relic" - has been laid to rest... um, somewhere in the northeast United States. (We don't want to encourage pilgrims.) But in the years after this mystical exchange of holy mojo took place, our executive editor came into physical contact with him on a number of occasions, thus becoming, if our Latin serves us correctly, a "quaternary relic" (an object that has come in contact with a primary, secondary or tertiary relic) of the man who will one day supplant the Virgen de Guadalupe as Patron Saint of Mexico. And if you don't think we plan to abuse this, you should pray for a miraculous cure for your insanity. Spread the word, people: even trying to charge us for a drink will earn you a quick 500 years in Limbo. And that's for the first offense.

We're awaiting a ruling on whether or not reading this blog makes you a "quinary relic," but don't get your hopes up, mortals.

1 comment:

Brick said...

Doesn't this also make you an accessory after the fact? Don't worry though, the church has your back.